Friday, 17 September 2010

I'm really fucking proud of myself.

I finally did it. Found my self respect and told that waster to get out of my life. I don't know if I'll stick to it, and it hurt to do it, but I'm so proud I took that step. I'm leaving for uni in a few days and I'm excited as hell to get out of here and into a fresh start. I'm off for a drive now (bike license - love of my life) to clear my head so I'll write a proper blog soon. Anyone reading this on twitter? Just set up an account in case I can't update this as much as I want to. Follow me on www.twitter.com/mmckeo if you want the latest!

Later x

Tuesday, 3 August 2010

Weakness

You know those times where you're just dying to text your ex, tell him how much you miss him, how much he means to you, how little you are without him, how so many things in life still remind you of him and how you're awake at stupid o'clock in the morning because of him, and how you hate him for what he's done to you, how he's betrayed you and treated you like shit, how you know he's been playing you, he's been fucking around and being a general dickhead, yet you still love him, and you hate yourself for it, because if you were anyone else and you saw this situation you'd tell the pathetic individual involved to MOVE THE FUCK ON, yet you can't, and you don't know why, but you know that it's not going to go away?

Yeah.

Monday, 2 August 2010

Moving on, pulling boys, being happy.

The most amazing weekend started with one of the worst nights. I basically found out that my ex, who I'd been falling for again because he's been texting, calling, showing me heaps more attention and being like we used to be, has been sleeping around. I thought he'd cheated on me and then calmed down because of us breaking up and him being upset, but apparently not. So much so that he's booked himself in for a sexual health check. This was how I found out. So I realised that he has not deserved half of all the time, effort and thought I've been putting into him. So I stopped. I made that decision and I stuck to it. Didn't reply to his email about the health check, didn't reply to the random attention seeking text he sent me this morning, and barely thought about him all weekend.

That was because this weekend was fabulous - a night at the movies on Friday (Inception is amazing) followed by Belfast Gay Pride on Saturday. It was one of those occasions where you're like "shit, I can't go to this, I know literally ONE person, I will be lost and a loser and on my own and weird." So I went, knowing one person, and came home with like 10 new friends, most of which are male, gay and hot... but I'll get on to that bit in a minute ;)


Since being single my mind has been off sex. I just couldn't think about it out of loyalty to him. That snapped in my mind after I found out what he's been doing, and I just felt free. Free to have fun, be myself, meet new people, come on to hot boys and PULL. Which I did, with 4 guys. JUST KISSING, I'M NO HO. But yeah, MAJOR step for me considering how I've been for the last few months. Also, two of them were 20 year old blonde twins... I think that gets me extra points, yes? hahaha

I also got a MASSIVE catch up with some fantastic female friends who are just wonderful people. Laughed so much I had tears streaming down my face. Proper anchors in my life they are.



Very very drunk by the end of saturday night, very very hungover by Sunday afternoon. All of which made for an interesting train ride home. My backpack strewn across the table in the train, myself slumped back in my chair wearing yesterday's clothes, sunglasses to cover my lack-of-sleep eyes, and my face and hair plastered with glitter, whilst sober people walked past trying and failing not to stare/abuse. Can't say I didn't enjoy watching their reactions though... heee.

BUT YES. Lots of alcohol was VERY worth it, despite all the calories. Now I'm going for a FAST. Anyway, I DO need to drink pints and pints of water to make up for what was at least 25 units of alcohol...

Peace :)
J x

Tuesday, 27 July 2010

Intervention

I think that's what it was. A lot of family members just attacked me. Not for my eating issues, which could actually be dangerous, but for my sexuality. Disgusting, unnatural, disgraceful, "I'm ashamed of you." "Look at all we've done for you, and this is how you repay us?" "How could you?" "Have you no respect?" "You need to sort out your life or get out of this house."

I don't know what to do anymore.

Saturday, 17 July 2010

2 Day Challenge


In two days time I'm going on an adventure. A few of us are leaving Dublin at 9pm and bussing, training and boating our way to Scotland. It should be HEAPS of fun so I'm super excited about it, but I know there will be tons of photos taken so I need to take this opportunity to lose as many pounds as I can. I'm thinking a 2 day fast should do the trick. I'll have something to eat before we go to keep me awake, then rely on the adrenaline to keep me going for the rest of the roadtrip! Excellent.

I've started making proper use of thinspo again. For me, real life thinspo works so much better than celebrities, because magazines are so shit at photoshopping that you know straight away you're not seeing a real person. My desktop wallpaper is now a guy from town that I really envy. Everyone has one of those, right? He's naturally skinny and spends what seems like 90% of his time out in clubs having the time of his life because he's so confident about how he looks. Even when he's not dressed well, he seems to be able to carry it off because of that confidence. I want that. So for now, every time I want to eat I'm looking at that photo, asking myself if it's worth it, and finding that the answer is almost always no. It helps to get a bit of perspective.

If anyone's joining me, let me know. Always good to know you're not alone! I'm gonna set myself markers so I know I'm doing well. Like a line on my hand for every hour I do without food. It'll be like counting down the days left in a prison cell with a tally on the wall.

What would a post of mine be like without the usual schizo turn? I just spent an hour with some family members. I've never heard so much backstabbing and bitching in one room, and I've been to a hell of a lot of gay bars, so that's a fucking achievement. My grandmother slagging off her own granddaughter for being a "fat lump". My aunt slagging off her sister for eating too much. Then I found out my dad's been lying about me. They moved house whilst I was at uni, and everyone in the new area that they've met believes I'm straight. He's dropped hints about girlfriends so there's no doubt. With people like that behind me, I wouldn't be surprised if I took some psycho fit one day and committed some exciting crime. 

I promise I'll make it a good one.

Tuesday, 13 July 2010

Disgusted/Gossip


I really am. I'm disgusted with how many mindless idiots there are in this country. Some wankers in Belfast threw petrol bombs at the police yesterday. Rioting because of a parade commemorating a battle hundreds of years ago. 99% of them couldn't tell you what they were even fighting about. I'm disgusted with the wankers who went around slashing tents at the Oxegen festival in Dublin this weekend. I'm disgusted at the wankers who then stole everything they could from the tents, leaving my friends sitting in a field drenched in the cold overnight before they could get home. I'm disgusted at myself for being such a lazy piece of shit, for not being able to move on from my ex, from being pathetically dependent on my friends, for being so bloody morally corrupt, for disappointing my family (even though what they expect of me is a straight son, which I CANT be), and for having no self control.

and fuck it, i'm fasting. Because that's what I do when I'm in a shit mood. I'm too afraid to weigh myself. I have a friend who was able to fast for 5 days at a time. I admire that guy. What amazing self control that must have been. I've lost heaps of weight in the past, but I always did it the easy way. 200 cals per day, always allowing myself those 200 to make it easier. Frankly, I don't think I deserve them right now. Zero cals for as long as I can do it.

So I guess after all that angst there's time for a bit of gossip... the hot lecturer I mentioned a while back has emailed me since. He's offering to supervise me next year. That means me and him in a small room (one of his private rooms, to be exact) for an hour every week. What could I do other than accept? This could be VERY interesting.

Actually, FUCK the negativity. I have a heap of opportunities ahead of me. All I need is to commit to my goals and go for it. I CAN do this. I'm really fucking good at doing this. It's nothing but pathetic self destruction that's held me back so far. I'm fasting. I'm getting thin. I'm getting the hot guy.

End of. :)


... god, how schizo was that post? hahah

Tuesday, 1 June 2010

First failure.

2 days of such good restricting. I bought a low calorie snack for each day and put up with the rest of the hunger pains. Then yesterday happened. I was invited out for formal dinner with a friend. So excited about seeing her again and about meeting all her new friends that I couldn't turn the occasion down. But you know you CANT have a 3 course meal and keep below 400 cals... Three courses plus two alcoholic drinks came to 900 calories. Ashamed, appalled, and really fucking annoyed.


Today so far is going proper well. It's almost 1pm and I've eaten nothing so far. I haven't been hungry yet, but if the hunger pangs start I'm going to remind myself of everything I ate yesterday and tell myself that my body still needs to use that up before I can risk putting any more in. I think I'm going to make today a water day. It's been a while since I've tried to fill my stomach with water instead of food but I seem to remember it working.

I just saw a girl from school uploading photos on facebook. She's always been really fucking skinny and is having the time of her life (because of it..) which would be great if she weren't such a bitch. It'd be so much easier if good people were pretty and bitches were not.

Oh well. It's all thinspiration.

Sunday, 30 May 2010

My starting point.

OK. This is me. Exams finished. Stress sorted. Ready to go. AND I CANT WAIT to get all that yucky fat off me. I started yesterday and, for my first day restricting in AGES, I think I did pretty damn well. 250 calories at the most. I'm going to go for the same today. BEST thing about living in student accommodation and trying to restrict: if you don't BUY the food, you can't eat it. So no matter how weak my will is, I won't actually be able to reach ANY food, never mind high calorie junk. Very excited about this indeed. All my friends want to go out though. Suggesting meals here and there every other day and I'm not quite sure how to handle it. I suppose if I ate NOTHING the entire day, then went out for a meal in the late evening, that would be about an 800 calorie day, which I could offset by exercise in the morning and afternoon. It might also boost my metabolism to have a few very low calorie days then a medium calorie day like that...

God, exercise again. I feel SO self conscious doing it. This is perhaps the only reason why I'd really like to be at home right now. In the country, where I can exercise as much as I want without anyone seeing. I'll just have to restrict super hard untilI can get home and properly start into working those calories off.

My friend just invited me to make salad for lunch. She's super healthy and doesn't realise I'm trying to lose weight again, but just sees things like salad as normal. It's because of her allergies: the girl has NEVER eaten chocolate, nuts or sweets. Can you imagine that? On the one hand, POOR GIRL. On the other, she has so much temptation removed from her life. Skinny too. Without. Even. Trying.

The thought of doing this all again is kind of getting me down. I've SO far to go, and I've only just started. I'm not going to give up though. Thinking of everyone relaxing and getting their clothes off in summer, whilst I'm far too self conscious to even think about it is really motivating me. I really need to buy some scales as well. It's doing my absolute nut in not being able to see what weight I am. Anyway, by the time I get to France (mid August) I want to look GOOD. Whatever weight that may be.

So 250 calories today. Bring it on.

Tuesday, 18 May 2010

June Weight Loss Competition

God. Exams. Right, I'll have finished my last exam on the 29th of May so I'm saying see-you-later to blogger til then. CAMBRIDGE EXAMS. Holy shit. They're for clever people. Fuck fuck fuck. It'll be okay. It will. Aye.

Can't WAIT til they're over. I mentioned weight loss to a friend and she was very excited about joining me. She doesn't know I'll go ana, and I presume she'll just diet like normal, but we'll see. I'm going to buy scales, and we'll weigh every so often. I will weigh more often (it's addictive, isn't it?) and I WILL lose more than her, because I'll be eating as little as possible and exercising when I'm on my own. Competition helps. I was looking at photos of what I looked like in summer, and I was proud of myself back then, not now. I've gone through a massive lot in the last year and am a better person on the inside for that, but not so good on the outside. TIME TO CHANGE THAT. Badminton, squash, swimming, football, cricket, rowing (it is cambridge, after all...) and cycling is what we have planned so far. As the weather SHOULD be really nice by then, no one should suspect that we're trying to lose weight, but just think that we're taking advantage of the sunshine.


We've chosen our rooms for next year! I was SO lucky and got the biggest room in our house. There are 38 people living in (it's a pretty big house...) and my room is the first in the corridor, and has enough space to fit ALL of them in it... so I'm going to be holding the parties next year. Already met some of the new guys I'll be living with. They seem great so far, and it's given me more motivation to GET THIN. Especially one in particular, but I'll see where that goes first before I start spilling details... ;)

Anyone else got their tactics for June sorted out? Add your name in a comment on this if you want to join us. I'll be posting my weight loss as frequently as possible throughout the month and will collect everyone elses' at the end of each week. EXCITING. Post diets, tips, strategies, anything to show you're taking part!

Excited.
Til the 29th, skinnies.
xxx

Saturday, 15 May 2010

OMG, LUCK.

Right, my summer was looking pretty damn dull. Spending most of it at home, in the country, little to do and few people really to hang out with apart from my old school mates... THEN I went to the post room yesterday morning and found in my postbox the following letter;

Dear Josh,
I am pleased to let you know that you have been awarded a Cambridge Bursary of £3250 for the academic year 2009-2010. I should like to take this opportunity of wishing you every success in your studies and express the hope that this bursary will be of some help.
Yours sincerely,
Professor J P Parry

FUCK YES. I have never had so much money in my life... maybe this is karma. Lower class upbringing, pretty fucking poor family, but get into a good uni, wiggle the smarts about a bit and get THAT.

SO, SUMMER. Plans are being made and I'm very excited about them. France with two mates who invited me over, so I can properly practice my French for a month with them, as well as getting in with the French student clubbing scene. Then Spain with another mate, then London, then Glasgow, then Sheffield (best mates from there) then I DO NOT KNOW. So many ideas!! I've also got spare money left over from this term, because I was determined not to spend much money on food (if it's not there, you CANT eat it...) so ana has done the job for me too :D

There's no way I can do all that though, at the weight I am now. Especially cos of certain people who will be there... (including the guy in the photo, whaaaat. skinny friends. he's gay too...) So, I'm giving myself June to lose weight. Starting on the 29th of May in the evening, as my final exam will be over. Traveling then starts in July, when I know I'll be able to wear what I want without looking like a fatty. You guys with me? Anyone on for a massive June weight loss plan?

Lets do it.
J

PS. Thanks for the comments on the last post, especially the ones who haven't posted before. It makes SUCH a difference to know you've been reading for so long! Your opinion matters, don't hide it :D