Thursday, 10 December 2009
since I posted
since I weighed
since I restricted
since I fasted
since I achieved
Let's change all that now. I've just come home from uni for the end of term and
I know for a fact that I've put on weight. It was inevitable with THAT amount of alcohol, parties and that awful party food. I've got a month at home now. I've lost 20lbs in a month before, there's no reason why I couldn't do it again. Plan? I trust you guys to work this out with me.
ABC? I miss that one. Might be a bit difficult with everyone around me, as I'm just back and so am interesting for a while. I'll see what I can do. Ah, hiding food, pretending to get snacks by rustling in the cupboards... I missed the old tricks.
Tomorrow: 500 cals
Saturday: 300 cals
We'll see how it goes from there. If I can't make two days then I need a serious wake up call.
How's everyone been doing? If you're still reading this... Uni has been absolutely crazy. Wonderful and awful in equal amounts. Some amazing experiences and some I just can't wait to forget. I went through a hell of a lot, and part of me wants to cut off that and just live in my little ana world for the holidays. I can't enjoy vacation when I'm having to deal with the guilt of putting all that disgusting fat into my body, so something has to change.
How awesome was New Moon? A rather fantastic friend got me a Robert Pattinson calendar for xmas, which is going up right now as the start of my thinspo. Tonight is my first night at home, and I'm dedicating it to finding some thinspo to help me through this month. Oh, and the new film sort of pushed me towards Team Jacob, which has shocked me more than most things this month. He was seriously hot, and had that smouldering good looks combined with kindness and sexiness that just WORKS.... whereas Edward was being all emo and pouty all the way through. Hmmm...
Robert Pattinson is still, obviously, incredibly hot though.
My friend bought me wee grey soft indoor boots for Christmas which are soooo nice. I never want to take them off. Perhaps I shan't. Take that!
Miss you guys. Take care.
Thursday, 29 October 2009
Hello hello HELLO! How is everyone doing? :D
Having such an amazing time at the moment! Uni is SO much fun. The work's good, difficult but it means I'm learning, and the social life is fantastic! Making
friends is NOT hard... everyone wants to meet new people so as long as you smile you're grand!
Halloween tomorrow!! Can't wait. Got my outfit sorted. There's so much gossip over what everyone's wearing. I was in an accessory shop and saw a guy from my college buying long satin gloves and fishnet tights, so I'm guessing there's at least one drag act to come! Others include a mad scientist, a doctor, scooby doo and michael jackson... It's gona be awesome. We're having a formal (in full costume) while they're dressing up the big hall like hogwarts, with big banners :D what's everyone else doing for halloween? You BETTER be dressing up!!
So, other things... had dinner with the "Master" (president, headmaster of college etc) last night, which was hilarious. He told me a story about how when he was in Poland he took a photo of something he wasn't allowed to take a photo of, then had to tape the film to his scrotum to get it into the English Embassy... fantastic night.
ALSO, EVERYONE IS NAKED. I'm on a staircase with 10 boys and 2 girls, and all the boys walk out of the shower with only a wee towel on. There are at least 6 of them I've never seen with clothes on. Good, good times. The photo in this entry is of one such night, where we decided to take our nakedness to the street.
Admit it, you're jealous. :P
I've far too much gossip to tell you! What do you want to know? Scandal? Hot boys? As far as eating goes, cutting down is NOT a problem... when your student loan can buy either alcohol and club entry or food, it's not a difficult choice! :P
Wednesday, 14 October 2009
Omg Cambridge is amazing. Sorry I haven't updated before now, but I've been soooo busy. Never worked and partied so hard at the same time. Sleep is rare, and I really miss it, but you can't have everything! I've lost weight for sure since I've got here. Walking for about 2 hours per day is unavoidable, so no matter what I eat I can't put on weight. Missing a lot of mealtimes too because lectures are scheduled over them, so that's helping! Aw we have a uni card too, which we use at the bar. It's like a credit card but JUST for alcohol. Waaaaa. It's seriously been sooo good. I'm wrecked but loving it. Must dash now, I've a philosophy essay to write. I've never done philosophy before, it's probably going to sound like complete bollocks. Oh, I had a minor freak out today. Had to do a 30 minute walk in 15 minutes to get from a lecture to a supervision, got lost, found the right way but then the gates were locked, had to reverse around the back of the college and make my way through a fucking labyrinth of corridors to get to my class, eventually 45 mins late. On top of that, my student loan hasn't come through yet so I'm all worried about money and shit like that. Trying not to let it get to me though, even though I was fairly close to tears earlier. My solution was to get a nice bun, which I then burnt off by running to the library to return a late book haha.
This is the messiest blog entry ever but oh well! How's everyone been doing? Thank you to my last commenter for asking where I was, that's why I wrote this :)
Speak soon!! xx
Thursday, 1 October 2009
I leave Ireland for uni on Saturday. 2 days from now. I'm scared. What if they don't like me? What if I'm a loner? What if I'm not good enough? What if I get a tiny room? What if I'm judged for being gay/poor/quiet/state school/dressed differently? What if I f
ade into the background? What if no one speaks to me? What if I miss home? What if I can't keep up?
I bought new clothes for going away. Spent sooo much money but I've got enough to do me for a good while now. I feel more confident in them. Got some stuff that I'd never ever have considered before my weight loss. I'm proud of myself. I just need to stop
doubting myself and it'll be fine. I'm not difficult to get on with I don't think. I can talk easily enough, as long as the other person is making an effort too. If they're not making an effort then they're not someone you'd want as a friend.
Everyone wants to make friends at freshers so no one's going to intentionally make it more difficult. First conversations shouldn't be too hard. Where they're from, how they are, what they're doing as a subject and why, what they'd like to d
o in freshers, how they're finding the city, how their rooms are, how their summer was... during all of that, with however many people I get to talk to, there's bound to be something that interests me and sparks further conversation. It's happened already with a few people I've talked to online who like certain types of music, or certain tv programmes, or certain actors.
They've given us college parents and a college sibling. My sister is really nice, and we seem t o get on pretty well. Plus we've already met so she will be someone I can approach without hesitation. Her and this other girl from Ireland who I foun
d on a forum. She talks really well, she's funny and interesting from what I've seen and she's been very friendly thus far. We've also met at a summer school but I don'
t remember her... which is quite bad but oh well lol. That'll be a shared experience to talk about too.
You can see how much I'm worrying about this then, yeah? haha.
I was meant to be going to see some friends in the city tomorrow, but I don't think it's working out. Everyone's already started lectures and they're all busy, plus the whole goodbyes thing was over a few weeks ago, when most unis started. I'm going to make do with a few phone calls and a visit to one guy who's been a really good loyal friend. I just wish I knew he was friends for the right reason. When I met him I was getting together with my bf, but the friend didn't know. He told me he liked me a while later and kept it up for about 6 months, after which he got with someone else, but kept complaining about things that were going wrong and always came to me to talk about it. I'd like to believe he's over it and that he's just a loyal friend. That
'd be really nice. I will miss him I think. Well, the only person I've ever properly missed is my bf (I miss him like hell right now) but it'll be good to see the friend again anyway.
It looks like there's going to be a lot on during Freshers; not only the obvious pub crawls and club nights, but also a ghost hunting trip, a barbeque and sports event, quiz night, jazz and cocktails night, comedy and acoustic night, freshers debate, freshers ball... shit, what do I wear? Same as for matriculation? Ball means dancing yeah? Shit, I can't dance. I seriously have no rhythm whatsoever. Any tips on getting out of dancing without looking weird?
Ahhh, I'm so nervous!
Friday, 25 September 2009
We're so doing this. Haha. I'm ready for the next fast. Starting right now, at midnight. Fed up of being fat. Aren't we all? I've been eating normally since the last one, but it's really not enough. I want to reach that point where no matter where you pinch on your body, you can't feel fat. I want that so much. I'm writing this now also because I need a break from all the fucking work I've been doing! First performance of the play was tonight. It went great and I got wolf-whistled at... twice haha. Some girls were asking me to sign their programmes (and body parts) afterwards which was quite weird and, fortunately, of no interest to me whatsoever... awkward silences are hard to avoid when a girl asks you for your number and you have to get out of it without going "I'm in theatre, I'm wearing make up, I'm surrounded by girls but I'm not looking down your top... could it be any MORE obvious that I'm gay??"
This make up actually won't come off.
But yeah, I want to be thinner! FUCK if it wasn't for that I'd have such an easier time of it... Imagine being able to wear anything and knowing you look great in it? What would that actually be LIKE?
Oh jesus, I need to tell you all. Has anyone seen Skins? It's a British teen drama, on Channel 4 if you're over here... There's a character in it called Cassie who is anorexic (here's a video of her explaining how she avoids eating meals http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tGIiPraHUDc )but anyway, the point is I just found out that the actress who plays her is going to the same uni as me... so I NEED to cut down. That girl is tiny!
Okay so, I want to do this for 20 hours, then I'll eat something for some energy before the performance, and the same every day. If I can cut down to one meal per day (which I'll burn off on stage) I'll hopefully lose a fair bit by the end of the week. What's everyone else's plan? Are you joining me? Thinking thin. xx
EDIT: Fuck food whatsoever. I just saw a photo of myself on the school site and I feel so so so fat now. I got lazy. I need to fix this and I will.
Tuesday, 22 September 2009
Girls or boys?
Pepsi or Coke?
Night or morning?
Up or down?
Winter or summer?
Scream or cry?
Wet or dry?
Lose or cheat?
Good or bad?
Sunrise or sunset?Edward or Jacob?
SKINNY or FAT?
There's no in between any more. I can't let myself keep saying "I look fine..." because that's not good enough. People don't make history for being "fine". It's perfect or nothing. I've made my decision. I'm not letting myself away with anything anymore. I always talk myself around it. Pathetic reasoning, "I've earned this", "It's only a few extra calories", "I'll do better tomorrow."
Fuck me. Fuck my weakness. Fuck my attitude. Fuck my greed. Fuck my fat thighs. Fuck my fat cheeks. Fuck my fat calves. Fuck my flabby arms. Fuck my bulging stomach. Fuck it all, I want a new body. I want people to stare. I want people to worry. I want people to be shocked but secretly want it too. I will not be normal. I will not settle for "ok" or "fine" or "average". I'm better than that. All of you girls are too.
DECISIONS. Make yours now.
Who had a successful fast? Mine wasn't bad but I gave in afterwards and ate what was given to me. Can't wait to get out of here where my parents won't be forcing food on me. 2 weeks and I'll be in uni. In Cambridge, where everyone is 99% perfect. As a fattie I'll be at the bottom of the heap. 2 weeks to lose... as much as I can. My boyfriend left for uni today. It's depressed me. From my last few posts you'll know how close we are. My best friend for the last 3 years, never gone more than 2 days without speaking. I'm lost without him. I need a focus, and it's now this.
Let's have some thinspo. I want your comments too. Show me your determination. The fasts went so much better when we all worked together. 15
comments on the last post tells me you're in this with me. The reason I've been going easy on myself has a lot to do with my thinspo. I post guys with nice clothes, and I use them to hide behind. I rely on clothes to cover up imperfections. So this weeks thinspo is nudes, or close to that. No covering it up, no hiding from the truth.
It's fat or skinny. One decision. I've made mine.
Sunday, 20 September 2009
The play starts this week. I'm excited, up late learning my lines whilst everyone else is sleeping. I've got some sexy outfits and my scenes are all passionate and energetic, so it'll be a good bit of emotional purging.
So like I said, let's fast and be pretty. Who's with me? Post your starting time, your reasons for fasting and come back here and update if you slip up. I find it's easier to fast when I know there's someone waiting to see if I succeed. I'm starting at 4:30 am. My excuse which I'll tell my parents for avoiding food is that I've got a sore throat and it hurts to eat (I was out partying a little too hard). I want to lose a few lbs before I get on stage and before I meet new people at uni. Thinking thin. Good luck girls. xx
Friday, 18 September 2009
That's two posts in a row which have started with ":)". Loving life right now.
Today I had a day off, and spent it with my bf. He drove round to mine and took us to this really calm, peaceful area just next to the river. Heatwave is still going (it's not Aussie heat, but we're enjoying it and my bf is australian anyway :) ) and the sunlight filtering through the trees just made it look so peaceful. We had a little adventure there, walking up tiny little twisting paths in the forest and ducking under branches, holding onto each other in the rocky bits (I trip too often, he knows it...) and then went back to his gloriously empty house where we spent the afternoon making fudge and watching disney movies in his room.
It's really messy at the moment because we're getting ready to move for uni (leaving Ireland in 2 weeks!) We went through all his boxes together and found an old journal of his, from 2005 when he was 15, and found an entry about me in it!! I was so shocked, because I hadn't even talked to him very much back then... but he says he was already falling for me, back then when he wasn't even sure of his sexuality. It was soo sweet.
The day went shockingly quickly, and I had to leave at 9:30pm because of my mum calling and insisting I go home straight away. Bf walked me as far as he could, but stopped just around the corner from her car so she couldn't see. She doesn't know about us so we have to be careful. He pulled me back and ended a great day with a sweet kiss and a too-long hug that showed that neither of us wanted to let go. I was smiling all the way home.
Needless to say, I'm fairly high at the moment. All I'm thinking about is him. He makes me feel so confident and secure. He called me beautiful today at random points when I caught him just looking at me for no reason and smiling to himself. He makes me believe it too. I feel secure with my body now. I wouldn't have felt anywhere near this content 30lbs ago. Now I know he can be proud of me, when the day comes to show the world that we're together. Hope you all reach that point too. It's worth it.
Thank you for the comments, I loved them all, you lovely people. :)
PS. Head bowed in the photo to subtly cover the black eye... which is healing nicely, thanks very much! :) I'll post some more singing soon as it was so sweetly requested! xx
Monday, 14 September 2009
I wasn't punched because I did something wrong! Haha. The guy who punched me was REALLY drunk. He'd drank so much vodka (straight, no mixer) and does NOT know how to handle himself. Started rambling "tell me I'm a bad person!" then lashed out at EVERYONE who tried to help him. Guy has issues. He's still, however, a dickhead for drinking so much when he knows it makes him an asshole. My face is okay today. Still sore, more blue and going purple I believe. Got a fair few looks but I wasn't bothered :) and my friend is okay as well. Sore but getting better, just bruised above her jaw on the right side.
The picnic was with my bf. It was lovely. There's a heatwave in Ireland at the moment and it's so so nice. We sat out on the pier at a little secluded lake with a loaf of bread and fed it to the ducks and swans. I threw one bit into the middle of a little crowd of ducks, and one of them actually jumped up to catch it before the others could get to it. It was the cutest thing. Apart from the boy with me of course :) he watched out for the smaller ducks who weren't able to swim fast enough to beat the bigger ducks to the bread, and threw some straight to them so they could eat too. Then we had our own picnic and brought some back to his to watch some dvds. Sat wrapped up warm in his living room with cushions and drinks and the curtains drawn with little warm lights making the room all cosy.
Ah, happy days.
So last night I got punched in the face. As did 2 of my friends, including a girl who got KICKED in the face. Worst thing is, I know the guy who did it. We used to be friends. Today was spent running around trying to sort everyone out whilst the bruise on my face started fully flourishing. It's blue at the moment and is aching. Lots of exercise today though. Running around for 4 hours and skipped a meal as I was too busy. I am going to bed sore but tired enough to sleep really well. Picnic with the boy tomorrow. Such nice weather, tartan blanket and ice cream. Night everyone, hope you're all blemish free. Thinking thin. xx
(Photo: I'm in a gay mood. That's Jack and Ianto. Yum.)
Saturday, 12 September 2009
So who's flying with me?
I just had lunch. First meal of the day, and hopefully my last. That's my goal for the day anyway. Everyone's at work now and won't be home til 12 midnight, so I'll be able to just jump into bed when they get home and hopefully be really tired (no energy from food, plus I barely slept last night) and fall asleep straight away.
I absolutely hate not sleeping. I wonder if I'm an actual medical insomniac, or if I've just got some sort of psychological thing going on with it. I hate going to bed. Hate lying in the dark doing nothing. It seems like such a waste. I'd say however that it's more of a waste being like a zombie the entire day cos you stayed up til 6am on Facebook...
Sprite Zero and diluted juice to take me through the day.
It's fucking freezing here. We're meant to be in a "heatwave" currently, but I'm sitting in bed wrapped up in a massive hoodie. I've decided for sure that I'm not living here when I'm older. My other half and I want to live in the southern hemisphere, or at least one of the warmer european countries. I want a tan, for christs sake. Pale is often beautiful but for ONCE I want to have a healthy colour! There's my bit of vanity for the day haha
So I've got a lot of my thinspo back. There's one guy in particular who fully makes me ashamed of ever eating. Thanks to the wonder that is Facebook, I've got loads of photos of him and have put them on my desktop for thinspiration. Stalkerrrrr... but whatever works haha
That's going to be my attitude for today. I've had one meal (300 cals), I do not need more. Would he eat? Probably, but he can afford to. Skinny bastard. If I want to look like that, I have to work for it. It should be the easiest work ever - just NOT doing something. Don't eat, get skinny. Simples.
Anyone think I can go the rest of the day without food? Place your bets :P hope you're all doing well, it is great to be back!! Thinking thin xx
Wednesday, 9 September 2009
Update: Life has been shiiit. I've coped though, and proved to myself that I'm pretty fucking strong. Tonight was a shocker, and it's given me all my thinspo back. I've been lazy. Lazy and FAT, but now I'm back in the game.
Work as hard as possible.
Sleep through hunger pains.
I need food for energy, yeah? Sleep = rest = renewed energy.
HOW HAVE YOU ALL BEEN DOING? I'm so sorry for being away for so long! I know I posted one or two photos.... but I wasn't blogging properly, just letting you know I was still alive! Life just got awful, then kicked me when I was down. It's probably still going to be hard for a good while, but I'm ready to tackle it, and I hope you guys are still willing to tackle it with me! Please let me know what's been happening with you, even if you haven't commented before. I can't go through my backlog of blogs, but I'll be back into reading now as much as I can.
Missed you all! Soooo good to be back! I'm off for a drink of water and some reading :) take care and THINK THIN. We've done so well but we've got sooo far still to go!
LETS FUCKING FLY.
Friday, 4 September 2009
Wednesday, 2 September 2009
Thursday, 27 August 2009
I've got someone close supporting me now. Shan't say who, but it's gonna be so much easier now. We're starting from tomorrow, cutting out all snacks and exercising. Can't wait =D
I've been eating way too much recently, but I've had a great time with it. There were so many parties that just couldn't be ignored and I have put on 2lbs because of it. That's just given me a short term goal to sort out. I'm not getting down about it, I'm just getting focused.
I saw the photos from results day in the paper this morning. The photographer is SO untalented, it's unreal. He took all the photos from an angle below everyone's face, so it's like CHINCHINCHIN city. I'm glad I only have one of them now, but still... really. I know the photos look a lot better than they would have done last year, and I can see progress but I can also see a fair bit to go yet. I'll get there though. For sure.
This MacBook is divine, by the way.
I'm so fucking tired these days. A few times I've just been eating to have the energy to move... More sleep is in order. Trying not to go down the line of caffeine instead of the hours in bed. Very tempting though. Getting into uni is stressful. I've a DoS to email, a payment schedule to send, a bank account to set up... argh, stress! If this is what adult life is like...
Anyway, enough of that haha. Leave me a comment please, I love reading them :) especially if they're long and rambly. Those are the best ones. Slag me off, tell me I've been lazy, support me, encourage me, or post something totally unrelated. If you haven't before, don't be shy! I'm really... very lovely.
Have lovely productive days everyone :] this bambino's off to sleep. xx
Tuesday, 25 August 2009
I'm getting a macbook today ^_^ and I have a helium balloon. Life is therefore good. Going up to the city with one parent, an uncle and an aunt (but hopefuilly sneaking away with a friend asap.)My iPod is being fully charged to make that journey more bearable...
They're doing this deal at the moment where you get 13% off if you have a confirmed place at uni, so I'm getting like a £100 discount =D plus you get an iPod touch for £20 through the same deal. YAY I just sounded like an advert.
Thanks everyone for the tips on the letter. I addressed it to Ms. ----- and my step mum helped me write out a formal cover letter so it looks really good. Slowly starting to get used to the whole "formal" thing... though I have to order a gown soon, and that's gonna be a bit far I think. Gown as in Harry Potter style robes...
I said I'd post a "ribs" photo when I got to 100 followers, so there it is. Soo need to work on my tummy, aaa! But there's the starting point :) it's really reminding me of how many sit ups I need to be doing... and blame xthinforever for the jigsaw pieces. It was her fault :)
Let me know how you're all doing, and let me know if you're doing a ribs photo too. I wanna see who else is being brave :P. Thinking thin (and MAC! =D ) xx
One last thing... tell me what song you're listening to right now, or start up itunes and pick one to recommend. I want new music, and I want to know if my followers have good taste... ^_^
Monday, 24 August 2009
I'm fasting today. I've a feeling it won't be difficult. Don't know how long I want to fast for. If I end up eating I'll make sure I keep it below 500 for the second day of ABC.
Being skinny will obviously not make anything easier, but it's something to focus on. If I'm thinking about not eating all day I won't be able to think about anything else.
Thank you for all the comments. I really appreciated them. I know everyone has something like this in life. It's shit for all of us so I won't feel sorry for myself. Just keep going til it's forgotten about.
I started exercising again last night. It really helps to avoid eating. When you feel how sore it is to work the calories off you know that eating that unnecessary snack is just not worth it. I only got 70 sit ups done before all the stuff last night happened, but it's a start.
Got my reading lists from Cambridge this morning. I have to email my director of studies telling her what papers I want to study this year. I like the sound of French Literature and German History and Thought since 1750 so I think that's what I'll be doing. Anyone got any tips on writing formal emails? She used "Dear" and my first name to start it off, and seems really friendly, told me not to hesitate to ask her if I needed anything, and I think she's only the Director of Studies for a small number of students, so I'm not sure whether to use her first name or call her Ms. ------.
Hope everyone's having a good day. Thanks for the support again. xx
Sunday, 23 August 2009
Saturday, 22 August 2009
I'm starving. I don't know how to eat anymore. When I do eat, I try to do it as quickly as possible. Gulp food without chewing so it doesn't feel like eating. I don't really enjoy it anymore. It's mechanical, not a pleasure like it used to be. I feel sick after almost every meal and have to struggle not to throw up. I refuse to throw up. I'm terrified of it for no reason other than I hate how it feels.
The problem then is that I'm going out for a meal with friends tonight, which will probably involve starter and dessert as well as main. I'm eating with people who range from about a UK size 8 to a size 18, so I'll be somewhere in the middle. Since I've started losing weight, I've been so much more aware of their sizes. Sometimes I wish I could work out an excuse to check the label of their clothes to see if they're bigger or smaller than me... cos I've really no idea of where I am. My mum always made me buy clothes that were far too big for me (before I was able to buy them with my own money) so I had no idea what my actual size was. In the last while people have started calling me slim, but I still don't know HOW slim. How I actually look :S what if they're just being nice... ?
The solution is clearly that I need to lose more. Enough until I can say that I AM skinny without the slightest doubt. I am wearing shorts now though, so I guess that's progress. I can't wait to go for some shopping next week. Going to the city where I'll be trying on some smaller sizes again to finally work out where I am. Then I can work out my next weight loss goal. As for today, I'm gonna try get over an hour of exercise in to make up slightly for the meal later. Diet starts in earnest again tomorrow. Anyone have any ideas? 5 bites, ABC, fast? Might let my followers decide... almost 100 of you now! Thanks everyone for the support. Hope you're all having good days. Keep updating me :) Thinking thin. xx
EDIT: Starting ABC with Ana's Girl on Sunday, so 500 cals for the first day :). You're free to join us if you want, just let me know!
Friday, 21 August 2009
New shirt makes me happy < keepin' it green to retain some national pride after having been accepted to an English uni :P
Thank you all for the lovely comments on my last post ^_^ I'm still just so so happy about it all. Thinking about how long I've wanted it... working so hard for 4 years and putting so much effort and worry into the interviews and exams... and it paid off! It feels an absolute honour to be part of it and I honestly just feel so much more secure with life now. Cambridge has felt like home ever since I spent time there for the interviews. There is a higher rate of EDs at there than at most other unis too. Everyone pushes themselves to be the best they can in every way. At Cambridge I will be normal, not the guy with 4As and a tendency to skip meals... I can't wait.
I need to take time to reply to your lovely comments. Firstly, someone posted anonymously; if you're worried about starting your own blog I'd encourage you to do it :) you don't have to put a name up and there's no way anyone can identify you if you limit how much personal stuff you post. I don't believe there's any chance anyone I know could find this. But yeah, I appreciate the comment and thank you for reading :) it would be nice to be able to comment and support you in return though!
Thanks for all the congratulations and hugs and the offers to buy me a drink too ;) haha and WELL DONE to Hanz who got AAA and got into her university too =D!
For anyone who asked about the course I'm doing, it starts in the first week of October and I won't post details about the course because that would narrow me down to about 50 people.. haha. It's a fantastic course though. Something I really enjoy and am really looking forward to. Work is a whole lot easier when you're passionate about it.
Cassi is a new blogger who commented for the first time yesterday. She has such a nice writing style and seems super sweet. Cassi, I tried to comment on your blog to tell you that, but it won't let me! The advert at the bottom covers the tab where you put the security word in... if anyone else can work out how to do it, leave a comment on my behalf or let me know haha.
She talked about "finally having the courage to post a comment" on my blog. I hope no one else is hesitating! I love comments and it's the only way to get yourself noticed here :) I want to be able to see how you're all getting on!
To make yesterday even better, I felt thin. First time ever, I think. I got so many compliments and had the word "slim" applied to me. Never before haha. My French teacher said I looked like "a new man" which was great to hear. We got our school hoodies too. 2 months ago I ordered a small size, which I was nowhere near fitting into, but I was determined to get there. It now fits me perfectly :)
So today, I'm still on a high which I can imagine lasting for some time. I've got so much to do (forms, i hate forms) but I'm not stressing out about it! Not yet anyway.. haha. It's my cousins' birthday tonight (a different cousin to the one in previous posts) so I'll be going to that with the whole family. If you're a new reader and read a few posts back you'll understand why tonight will be very interesting... they reacted awfully to my sexuality, but they were full of congratulations about my exam results. We'll see which wins over tonight, prejudice or pride.
Might get a 60 cal yogurt for breakfast to start my metabolism and stop my stomach rumbling through the photographs which are being taken (for the paper, omg D: ) at 1pm, then I'm not eating anything until the party. 500 cals is my limit for today. Can't exercise as there are a lot of people at home at the minute, but I will as soon as I can.
Hope everyone's having a good day! Let me know. Thinking thin :] xx
Thursday, 20 August 2009
Tuesday, 18 August 2009
So here's what I'm planning on wearing for results day. I said a few posts ago that I wanted something white when I'm thinner, so this is a first attempt :) tried it on this morning so I could show you all before. I think this will be my last post before then, so I should be updating some time on Friday, once I've recovered from my hangover and managed to find my way home...
I'm bound to have put on weight by the end of the week. Going out shopping tomorrow with a friend who I know will insist on getting Subway for lunch with a take away meal for dinner and ice cream in between if she can manage it... and going out to the cinema the night after... and drinking a considerable amount of calories on Thursday night if all goes to plan. So this week is an official holiday from weight loss :P I've been managing to maintain this weight for a few days so I'm really pleased with that. Still need to lose more though, and I'm afraid of getting complacent. Another 10lbs should do for now. I'll see what I'm like at that weight and then decide.
Once I get my results I'm starting into the exercise plan I've set out. Running, aerobics, weights. I was seriously into it in June and the weight dropped off so quickly, so I'm excited about starting that again. I've also got my eyes on a new diet which Victoria pointed out to me. It sounds fantastic (and it's working for her) so I'll be shopping for that soon. Thank you! She's new and super sweet btw, so you should check her out and support if you've time :)
Buy a Wii. Buy Wii Sport. Box. I never realised how great a work out boxing is. On the Wii it doesn't let you stop until you've knocked the other person out, so you can't go easy on yourself and take a rest, as you have an active opponent trying to knock you out at the same time. When your opponent is your skinny little sister who has an apparently endless source of energy and is actually giggling at your struggles, there's a hell of a lot of motivation to keep going...
EXAM RESULTS ON THURSDAY. I have an offer from Cambridge (for new followers who haven't read back.) If I get AAA I get in. I'm scared, but I think most people are too. Can't wait to know. Thinking about it has actually scared me so much that I've lost the ability to keep writing...
Hope everyone's having good days and keeping healthy. Let me know how you're getting on, as per :) I'll be back soon with news! xx
Sunday, 16 August 2009
Photo taken 2 weeks ago (and about 7lbs ago), at a costume fitting for A Streetcar Named Desire. I'm playing Stanley, a really masculine, harsh, sexual character. I love him (he's not nice, but so interesting) and can't wait to get into it. Loving the 50's hairdo. I don't think we should restrict ourselves to dressing how our society at the moment prefers... so I'm totally going out looking like this soon haha. I also think it's really funny that, after finding out I'm gay and rejecting me for it, my family are going to see me play the most heterosexual character ever. The clothes are still way too big to me, even though those were the smallest they had to suit the character. It's my own fault though, the costume department had no idea I was going on a weight loss quest... if anyone's interested in what the character is like, here's a clip from the Marlon Brando version :] www.youtube.com/watch?v=o_lToyPAUyE he takes his shirt off around 1:15 I think... SO glad I'm 30lbs lighter now! haha. Gonna be concentrating on weights and push ups for my arms and chest til then (performances in late september, script already learnt because I love the play.)
Basically all else that's on my mind at the minute is exam results on Thursday. I'm fasting today (Sunday, 7am til Monday 7am) to see how that goes, and I'll decide my plan for the next few days up til results day after then. I'm excited and nervous and tense and scared and lots of emotions bundled into one. I'll see if that keeps my mind too busy for food. Hopefully it does.
Planning a trip to the city on Monday for some pure shopping, the first time since my weight loss. I'm so excited at the prospect of going into popular shops and buying SMALL sizes. A lot smaller than I used to buy anyway. I also really want to treat myself to something expensive. I've never done it before and I think I've earned it now. Something to keep me occupied with until results day anyway. I'm thinking of some Kurt Geiger shoes. Yummm. I've got £100 left in my bank account and I'm planning on spending it :] I'll hopefully manage to get £150 of the money my friend owes me on Monday morning so more for treats :]! The problem with buying clothes atm is that I'm still losing weight, so I don't want to spend money on clothes that aren't going to fit me in a month's time. It's happened with a shirt I bought in June that I really like... it looks huge on me now!
Thanks for all your lovely comments on my last post :) support means so much and if you're looking an update... I've not spoken to any of my family (apart from a few words to my mum as we live in the same house) since that day. They're all back in from the beach appartment and living within 5 miles of me again, though, so I won't be able to avoid them for too long. There's a family party on Friday for another cousin's birthday and (if I'm actually invited) I'll have to go to that. I would get depressed about it but, fuck it, I love a good fight. I'll be lovely and polite to everyone, but if anyone is rude to me it's only fair that I be rude back. "Treat others as you wish to be treated" is, after all, one of their Christian principles. :P
Thinking positive :) xx
Thursday, 13 August 2009
I had the most awful day today. We were at my aunt and uncle's holiday appartment. I was getting lots of attention because I was full of stories from holidays and my relatives kept commenting on how much weight I'd lost. My cousin didn't like it. He's put on more than I've lost, and has such a pot belly now. We went to buy some winter coats in the sale in town and both tried on the same size. It was too roomy on me so I bought a size lower, but it wouldn't zip up on him at all so he had to size up. It was really obvious too, right in the middle of the shop. The first time I've ever been smaller than him. He's always enjoyed making me feel inferior, putting me down at every opportunity. This time, I was winning.
He put a stop to it by announcing my sexuality to all of my relatives. So I had to sit through a lecture from my aunt telling me what an awful person I am. How I'm a disgrace and have disappointed everyone. I should be ashamed of myself, apparently. My mum was there and didn't even defend me. "I hoped he wouldn't get into things like this." More disapproving looks, insulting comments, while I just sat there trying so hard not to cry. They even took the opportunity to have a go at my dad. Apparently I'm betraying the family by keeping in contact with him. They're Christians, and claim to be good people, yet i've never felt so attacked, so victimised, and by people who should be taking care of me. That's about 15 members of the family who are guaranteed never to look at me in the same way again, I doubt I'll hear another word from them. I'm out of the family. It's just me and my dad now, but I don't even live with him.
That's part of the reason why I'm awake at 8am and writing this. I'm staying awake all night and morning so I can sleep during the day and avoid contact with any of them. Yesterday was a bad day for eating. They treated me like such a child, wouldn't even let me order for myself. I was just so fed up and drained by the whole day that I let it go. Today will be different. I have a fruit based diet planned out for the day which should be easy to stick to, in my current mood at least. Such a "fuck my life" mood that I don't want to eat in the slightest. Sorry that I haven't kept up with blogs recently. Life has just been taking over. I'll get to them as soon as poss.
Hopefully still getting a new laptop soon so that's something to look forward to. Also, Results Day is now only 1 week away. 7 days. Excited, nervous, exhausted. Need sleep very very soon.
Thanks for all the lovely lovely comments on my last post. You're all far too kind and I appreciated every one of them :) I should point out again (as some people weren't sure last time) that the photo in this post is me. Me exhausted and about to fall asleep right there, with arms that need a serious workout. Welcomes to the new followers too. Feel free to comment even if you haven't before! How's everyone's day going? Hope you've got positive news. If you haven't, tomorrow is another day. Just keep swimming xx
Tuesday, 11 August 2009
So that's me <<<<< :) Just a little sneak peak of how far I've come. Total lost so far: 31lbs. I'm pretty proud but I know I've a while to go yet. This post is just to show that I'm on my way! Oh, 31lbs and a major hair makeover. I just was not working the black... plus a bit of my French tan is left =D WOOP. I'm starting to notice the difference now :)
Today is EXERCISE day. Aerobics and as much movement as possible. Going out for an hour long walk tonight too with a friend. Thank fuck I'm not the only insomniac around here.
9 days til results day! WAAAAAA. Can I lose 5lbs in that time? That's my goal for now. I've lost all the chubchub from around my face but I'd still love a bt more off my stomach. Crunches and sit ups to be done tonight for some toning. If anyone has any tips they'd like to share, feel free!
Ok so this is a bit of a busy post so I'll just get on with it...
So here's the video. This was me, 31lbs ago. I'm not proud of how I looked, but I'm proud of how far I've come. Our whole family had a take out today, which I couldn't avoid. That's 600 cals damage as I didn't finish my meal and kept to diet drinks. I can burn that off in 2 hours or so and I'm getting on to that now. 15 mins done already :) hope everyone's having a good day. I'm not a great singer/pianist btw! BE NICE :P It was just a bit of fun and I thought it would be a good way to record my weight before starting this blog. So this is my before. The old Fat Me is now my own reverse thinspo =D
Any thoughts? Hope everyone's having a good day :] let me knoww! Thinking THINNER xx
So the dentist was lovely. He couldn't find a thing wrong with my teeth, so the last dentist had me panicking for nothing. After I got over being cross about all the worry he'd put me through, I just cheered up about the fact that I still have all my teeth! *toothy grin* It also made me really glad that I'm no where near being Mia... not gonna damage my teeth because of my issues.
So I haven't done this whole calorie listing thing in a while...
Breakfast: 1 packet of Snackajacks (low fat crisps) : 100 cals
Lunch: Granola bar : 200 cals (shouldn't have had that but it may have helped me avoid a binge)
Dinner: 1 + 1/4 slices of brown bread + lean chicken : 200 cals
Midnight snack: 1 Starburst chew sweet: 20 cals
Total intake: 520 cals
Attitude: pleased. at least a 1000 cal deficit today.
Such bad hunger pangs tonight. I'm taking a positive attitude about it though. Hopefully these mean that I'll be 1lb lighter in the morning. That would make me so happy and give me such a good start to the day. I'm trying not to give in to snacking by looking at xthinforever's latest post of thinspo. It's such a good collection and has been SUCH a help so far. I'm not going to give in. Tomorrow night I'll let myself be weak and take a small snack, but tonight I won't. I wonder if I'm awake long enough, will the hunger pangs just pass? I'll make tonight an experiment.
Comments suggest that you DO want to hear me sing. I shall be posting it tomorrow. Prepare your poor wee ears! :P
So tomorrow I'm feeling like having a 300 cal day. I can't remember if I've anything planned... but everyone's away at work from 10 am so I have plenty of time to exercise if I want. There seem to be plans to get a chinese though, which I won't be able to get out of if it happens. There will definitely be fast food on the days before results day. On the 19th they've planned to take a bus up to this massive club in the city... With more alcohol than Ireland has ever seen before. Gonna have to do some super restricting to make up for that in advance...
I'm starting to see ribs! :D I CANT WAIT. I'm the lowest weight now that I've ever been aware of. Starting to feel that my effort is finally showing results. I've been looking at my before photos and how I look now and I hope there's a good difference. I think there is. I know now what my goal is. I want to lose 30lbs more, so I'm half way there. :) I am however really FUCKING FED UP OF THIS BLOODY PLATEAU. :) Hope you're all having good days. Stay strong, keep focused, think thin. xx
Monday, 10 August 2009
I have to go to the dentist tomorrow. :( Might be getting a tooth out, or getting one treated. Not sure what the second option involves but they both sound painful. I'm so so scared of the dentist! I had a traumatic experience with one when I was small. Was getting a tooth out and they went to put that mask over my face so I could breathe in the anesthetic to knock me out, but they didn't explain what they were doing. I just knew that I couldn't breathe and panicked so so much. It was terrifying. Two nurses pinning my arms down to my side while the dentist forced that mask on to my face...
So yeah, I'm obviously shittin myself about tomorrow... I know it's not that bad and I'm making a fuss but yeah. Bad times.
On the good times side, I'll have a full excuse not to eat tomorrow for mum. "I was at the dentist, I can't eat." etc etc
DOES ANYONE WANNA HEAR ME SING?
I made a video of me playing piano and singing Poker Face when I had the idea of making a blog. That was about... 30lbs ago (I lost 5lbs before, but so slowly that I'm not counting it as part of the weight loss for this blog.)
So in other words, does anyone wanna see Fat Me sing? hahaha
Thinking thin (when I'm not thinking IT'S RESULTS DAY IN 10 DAYS)
Sunday, 9 August 2009
Yesterday was awful. I wrote a long post about it but deleted it because I didn't want to share my depression. I really need to thank xthinforever. She was really great, there for me when I needed someone to talk to and cheered me up a serious amount. If you're not following her, do so please. She's such a sweet person, and so much fun and super supportive. Bitch has like 6 more followers than me. She deserves it though :] Thank you so much to those who made comments on my lack of posting/my deleted post. I appreciate it a lot :) sorry I haven't been able to comment on your blogs as much in the last few days. I just hadn't the headspace to deal with it. I'm back now though so things should be back to normal soon I hope.
I'm so glad yesterday is over. I ate so much. Comfort food I suppose. It's over now though and I'm feeling positive again. Just weighed myself and the comfort food hasn't shown on the scales. I've maintained my weight so I'm excited about starting losing again.
I decided that today is going to be a fast day. We have no nice drinks in the house though, so I'm going to go for a walk into town to buy something low cal or some bottled water. I don't know how I'll get around not eating a meal though, as mum is here all day. Possibly just gonna have to ask for someting that I can easily throw out. Or I could pull the whole "I ate so much last night... I feel so sick today" trick. That reminds me; someone in my little sister's class at school has swine flu... So if I fuck off for a few days, assume I'm pigging it up somewhere too..
I'm having an anti thigh night. Sitting in my pjs (boxers and a sleeveless tshirt thing tonight... don't get excited) looking at my legs. Yuckkk. I want them SLIM. Slim and toned. Gonna try get some running in tomorrow. I went for a walk tonight for an hour to clear my head. I got SO many looks from the few cars that passed as I was wandering around on my own at like 2am... I'm going to be the subject of so much gossip in the morning I bet :P
OOOH. I saw someone today who completely didn't recognise me! "And who's this lovely young man you're with?!" they said to my friend :] this was a woman who has known me for 2 years but hadn't seen me since I started losing weight. Apparently 25lbs makes a hell of a lot of difference...
SO did anyone recognise me in the top photo? Hahaha... kept it purposefully blurry :P proper photos to be posted after a few more lbs and before my results day! Hope you're all doing well. comment comment let me knowww :] fasting today. 3 hours into it and feeling good! Thinking thin xx
Thursday, 6 August 2009
Oh my god. I'm SO excited. I just got an invite to a massssive fashion thing that I'm SO SO SO excited about. OMG. OMG. I HAVE to be skinny for it. HAVE TO. EEEE I'm so excited! This was JUST what I needed. Fuck snacks, fuck comfort food, fuck weakness. EVERY. CALORIE. COUNTS. I'm going to do this, I don't give a shit how much it hurts. I will be skinny and I will look fucking good for it. I guess this means I'm pro ana for two weeks. I've never, ever been that. It's always scared me but then... I do love a challenge. For the next two weeks Snacking is Sin. Skinny is God.
WOWOW It's so weird to have something else to aim for other than results day!! Now I know I HAVE to achieve. EEEEEE hhehehehehe. I want a 2000 cal deficit per day, which means at least 2 hours of exercise. I'm going to do my first hour around 9am this morning and my second at midday, instead of a meal. I'm having one meal per day. 300 cals of pasta/sauce (small portion). Then I'm loooking forward to hunger pangs in the evening. I want to test myself, push myself. Being thin is a prize, not something I'm gonna get by being lazy. I have to work. We have to suffer.
So I'm also going to see some family members I haven't seen in ages (including the cousin who recently put on about 20lbs apparently...) in their apartment at the beach so that'll be interesting. Sort of a practice for seeing my classmates on Results Day. I hope they notice!! I'm wearing my best fitting top, in white (wow - new confidence?) with my smallest pair of jeans, 2 sizes lower than when I started. They're now the only pair I have left that fit me! It's great but seriously... what the fuck am I going to wear now? lmao. Planning a bit of a day out shopping with my dad obviously...
My dad's great by the way. Little interval here haha. He's so supportive of everything I do. Really kind and generous and funny. Everyone loves him. He's always there, willing to drive 100 miles to pick me up if I've missed a bus home, always willing to take an hour out of his schedule to talk to me if I have a problem. We have such a good sense of humour together. He'll constantly make fun of me and I do the same to him. Luckily we're equally matched so it goes on all day and no one ever wins. When it matters though, he knows how to be serious. He knows when to stop and tell me that he's proud of me and that he loves me. I love him too.
Excuse me ^_^ so yeah, 300 cals at most tomorrow with the little bit of pasta to keep my mum happy. I'm now looking up some thinspiration on youtube to pull out at any point during the day in which I'm tempted to binge. I also have some thinspo photos to share with you. I'll probably end up putting them throughout this post. The guy is my main thinspo. I think he looks amazing. The worst thing is - I KNOW HIM. He lives just a short train ride from me... completely stands out in his area. It's not a very fashionable part of the country, yet he looks like THAT. All eyes on him wherever he goes. I want to be like that, this time because I'm the pretty, skinny one, not the fatty that people stare at. Yuck. THINSPO =D I really want to print some of this out. I think I could get away with it too because most of it is quite arty...
Thanks everyone for the input on the guy situation in my last post. You all seemed to come to the same conclusion which confirmed what I thought. I should get the opportunity to speak to him on the day but I just might not bother. He missed his chance and he will have to stick that. I will, however, conveniently stand close enough to him so he can fully appreciate the new me... and regret his decision. ^_^
Hehehehehe I'm in such a good mood! I'm not sleeping today. It's 4am and I'm simply too excited to go to bed. I'll be up all morning looking at thinspo and planning my outfit for the fashion thing (details to come in a later post) and perhaps kicking out some exercise =D Is anyone else having a fantastic day? Let's share some positive stories today! Your proudest moment of your weight loss, your aims and goals and rewards, new confidence, new outfits, new compliments, anything :D
PS. What are your thoughts on the new header at the top of my blog? I wasn't sure. Felt like a wee bit of colour :] I'll return to the old photo if you like. Advice, input! :D THINKING THIN AND RIDICULOUSLY HAPPY :D xx!
I almost fainted in town today, ironically in the middle of shopping for food that I hadn't planned to eat. I had to eat something. I don't get a kick out of feeling faint and I get the most excruciating migraines. It's just not worth it. So I had a pasta meal, but could not finish the portion. It seemed absolutely huge to me but my mum kept insisting that it was normal (I checked the packet and it was, indeed, only enough for 1 serving.)
So after the almost fainting thing and the threat of a headache coming on, I had a "normal" eating day, eating a dessert after the pasta dinner. I figured that I've done well enough with losing the last 5lbs in such a short period, and that my body should have a normal eating day to settle it again, so my body wouldn't be under too much stress. Not sure if that makes sense but it seemed to at the time. I also just wanted a break. Losing over 20lbs took a lot of determination, and if I'm going to continue this I don't want to wear myself out so much that I want to quit.
I AM going to continue this. I was so close to giving up earlier but then I thought it through. The reason I'm feeling so ill is because I was so fat. I deserve this for being so greedy in the past. For shoveling food into me with no thought of what I was doing to my body. For being so unaware of myself and how others perceive me. I need to go through this to finally reach a healthy weight. One that's good for my body and my mind. I want to feel good. Confidence is inextricably linked to body image for me. While I try to get to know people before making a judgement on them, I know it's not always so easy. Every day we're forced to develop opinions on people in very short periods of time, and first impressions mean more than I would like. I'm already starting to feel happier with how I look, but I know that with 10lbs more lost, I'll be even more content.
here comes the gossipy sexual tension bit...
2 weeks left til results day. I want to have lost as much weight as possible, and I'm going to give it as much as I can. I'm in a very stable relationship (thought I will not to talk about it in my blog, to respect the privacy of my other half) so when I talk about the guy at school I want to impress, you know I don't want "anything" to come from it. He's an academic rival but there was always a tension between us before I got into a relationship. He's so obviously gay but has not come out yet. He was always playing those childish little games that people do in school when they fancy each other. He'd walk up to someone I was talking to and begin talking to them, making sure he got my attention yet not speaking to me. Making jokes really loudly when I came near. Awkward smiles in the corridor. He almost never spoke to me but I was told on various occasions of him starting conversations about me with other people, asking about random things about me. We spent one day together when he signed up for a university open day that only I was going to, out of the entire year group. He made such an effort. Made jokes, kept up interesting conversation, pointed out things that he thought I would be interested in, even poured me a drink at the table (at which he kept me a seat) and waited with me, without me asking, to make sure I got a lift home safely.
I went home from that feeling excited about this new friendship and what it could lead to (he IS really hot... captain of the sports teams and all that...) but the next day he completely blanked me. It was as if we'd never spoken and the weekend after that I hear he's going out with the bimbo of the year group. I don't know - maybe he wasn't interested in me really, maybe he was just trying to cover his feelings (and sexuality) by going out with the most obvious target (sports captain + bimbo = classic combo, yeah? ... he's never had a girlfriend as far as I know, and turned down really pretty girls in the past) or... well I'm not sure. Throw me a theory if you'd like.
I questioned myself as much as him after that day. Regardless of what was going on in his head, he fucked me over. Led me on and dropped me for the school bike. His mistake, his loss. I want to look fucking fantastic next time he sees me just to rub that in a little bit more and to prove to myself that it WAS his loss and that I'm not just trying to make myself feel better.
Aw I feel like I've mentally purged. Thanks guys for listening to all that. It feels so good to be able to vent. If anyone needs to do the same feel free to leave a comment and I'll listen in return :) It was so good to get comments from some new bloggers as well as my good friends :) Rena, I can't view your blog by the way, it says I need an invite. A few of you mentioned my thinspo in the last post. The first guy looks like an angel I think. Tall and elegant and beautiful. I hope someday I could look something close to that. It's a dream. As far as photos of me are concerned, I'll be posting the old photos again for anyone who missed them, plus my friend (she's into photography) is going to take some of me on the morning before we get our results, so hopefully I'll have lost a fair bit more by then!
So I'm back to the diet tomorrow. 15 bites, as many of them being low cal as possible. I tried on my Results Day outfit today. It's so close to fitting. 5lbs and it should fit really well I think. 10lbs and it should be baggy. I saw the cutest waistcoat in town today, so tempted to treat myself to it. I think that if I reach my goal I'll get it for results day. It's quite casual so I could wear it over a checky shirt or something to smarten it up. I've always wanted one of those but I knew it would look so stupid on Fat Me. I'm going to wait til the last minute and buy one in the smaller size. Eeee more motivation!
Is anyone else treating themselves with something special when they reach their goal(s)? And does anyone have any events coming up that they're preparing for? I know there are a few more waiting for results :) (2 weeks! TWO WEEKS!!) Thinking THIN and sexy ;) xx
PS. Please check out skinnybusiness! She's a new blogger with only one follower so far (meeee) and just left me a super sweet comment. For any of you on ABC, she's just started so pass on your tips and help each other :)
Wednesday, 5 August 2009
I can't actually believe this. I weighed myself a few times to make sure.
I've lost 3lbs. THREE POUNDS! :D YESSSS!
No idea how it happened but fuck it feels good. I felt so much better today. I'm starting to think I can see a difference and I was so much more confident in town too. That's 5/15 lbs lost so far. 10 more to go by the 20th of august... eeeee... I'm excited and much more confident now. Even if I don't get the 15... another 5 would be so good. It wasn't so difficult either. I don't feel like I was starving. Hmm. Oh well, no complaints from me lol...
^_^ Thanks everyone for the help with the fast yesterday. It's so good to have one over with, and to get a 3lb loss as a result is great. I'm still not happy with what I've done though. I keep wanting to lose more and forgetting how much I've achieved. I read this on sorry_i_cant_be_perfect's blog and it really helped make things clear...
"When you aim for perfection, you discover it's a moving target. They say that nobody is perfect. Then they tell you practice makes perfect. I wish they'd make up their minds :/ Perfection is achieved, not when there is nothing more to add, but when there is nothing left to take away..."
It's so true. We're chasing after a moving target. It takes the encouraging comments of our followers and friends to help us realise how far we've come. On that note, check out her blog and support! Another new blogger is lovelybones who was encouraged not to binge this morning after reading one comment that I left. We can all help each other and share in our success. Let's be a proper community :) I love finding and following new blogs. I can tell from what I did today that when you've got blogs to read and comments to make it really keeps you focused, out of loyalty and also by keeping your hands busy. Typing has got to be better than eating (and it burns like 100 cals per hour... haha)
How's everyone's days going? Anyone got any weight loss to report? I'd love to hear about it! I wanna know if anyone else is taking the plunge of posting photos too. I've got like 20 new followers since the last time I posted photos... should I post before and afters for those who didn't see or just the afters? I'm not sure I could bear the shame of posting the old one's again...
haha. So I hope you guys remember enough! :P
I'm getting really nervous about my exam results. (Is anyone else?) In a way, I'm so glad I have weight loss to concentrate on. Planning out my days is keeping me occupied and stopping me obsessively trying to work out how I've done... It's 15 days to go! EEEE. There WILL be a party the night before... and hopefully one the night after if all goes well. I remember the rule last year was "1 shot per A". You can get a maximum of 12 As (4 subjects, 3 exam papers for each) so I will hopefully end up getting pretty hammered haha
Skinny people always look elegant when they're drunk though, don't they? Hopefully I'll be one of them by then... lol. Oh yeah, I saw some photos today of some people from school. I always felt so physically inferior to them (they used to tease me about my weight) but it looks like they've done the opposite to me over the summer and put on loads of weight... I'm shocked and feeling a bit more confident about meeting them again on the 20th, especially for the photos haha
Fuck sake. I want to look skinny NOW. Damn impatience. I've never been skinny and it seems so close... I will get there! And I'll learn determination and self control along the way :) good luck with your day everyone. Thinking thin. xx