Friday, 31 July 2009


HELLO! WOOOWWW! That was without a shadow of a doubt the BEST WEEK EVER. I'm actually in shock at how much fun I had... met LOADS of new gorgeous exciting people, went to two house parties with them, invented a new and amazing cocktail with a great friend, saw the sights, took about 32901895 hilarious photos (including a sexy set dancing in the shower ;) hahaha), went to so many cool bars - cute little quirky ones and big full on party clubs, lay and rested in the park in the beautiful sun, went on a rowing boat ride with some of my best friends, ate some wonderful food and drank more alcohol than I ever thought possible...

Weight loss was SO far from my mind. As I said, I wanted to maintain my weight but as I realised how much I was eating (I had a proper meal every day - pasta and protein and dessert along with some french things like cheese and bread and wine at random points) and how many calories I was taking in through alcohol I knew there was no way I wouldn't put on weight. For example on one night a friend and I drank an entire bottle of vodka, the same of rum, gin, two cocktails, 10+ shots, 1 pint of beer and fuck knows what else...

But then I got home, weighed myself and realised i've lost 1lb!! I've no idea how it happened. I guess I was exercising a fair bit, as our apartment was up 4 flights of stairs and we explored the city every day so walked a lot, plus we developed a habit of ordering and drinking loads of cocktails then leaving without paying the bill... which involved a LOT of running... haha. So a healthy diet (full meals with occasional snacks) worked for me. The biggest meals we ate were in the morning, so our bodies had worked off all the calories by the end of the day. Also I was not tempted to binge at all because I was so busy and interested in what was going on around me that I didn't even think about food. Plus the fact that everyone I met was skinny and beautiful helped to keep me focused. So there are a few tips in case anyone was looking - keep busy, don't deny yourself foods completely (that tends to lead to binges) and keep your thinspo in mind (those sexy skinny ones at the party) : )

My goal still stands at 15lbs lost by 20th August. I wasn't meant to start until tomorrow as I thought I'd put on weight over my holiday but I'm already 1lb on my way there! xthinforever, mark it down! Tomorrow, I'm restricting and having a go at my 15 bites diet. I've not tried it before so it'll be an interesting day to see how that goes. I'm going into the city with my dad (he's great and we have a similar sense of humour so it'll be fine) so that will involve some more exercise with walking around shops and such :) he doesn't mind me buying diet coke either as he picked me up from the airport and bought me it plus my favourite sweets (low cal, don't worry haha) as a welcome home gift :]]]

Aw I have so many little stories to tell you all!! I think I look thinner in the photos, and I certainly FELT a LOT more confident. I wore my new clothes in the smaller sizes and I think they looked really flattering so I'm so pleased, especially as I was meeting some people for the first time. It felt great to know that they started off with a better impression of me than they would have done a month ago.

So the confidence just made everything so much more fun. Me and my friend decided to skip across the main bridge of the city and two guys saw us and shouted in French "Pouvons nous vous accompagner??" (Can we join in??) so they did and we all skipped around the city, tipsy and dancing and happy ^_^!

The city was beautiful, the company was even more so. I loved it so much and I'm so happy and refreshed and rejuvenated now. Apart from that I'm also really fucking wrecked from lack of sleep and too much partying so I'll be heading off to bed now! Hope you're all having a good week so far. Thank you to my new followers too! I'll be checking out your blogs as soon as poss : ) and the comments on my post were sooo nice to come back to! Well done Nic on reaching your lowest weight last week! Samantha asked really nicely if she could feature me in her blog so I thought I'd feature her here. She's got a really nice mix of useful facts and personal experiences and I think she'd really benefit from the motivation you guys provide :) let's help her out! Stay healthy girl x Also got a comment from someone calling themselves Sunny Mc.FatFace (girl, I want you to develop some confidence and a more positive screen name!). She's just starting out too, with a cool trippy blog that leaves me feeling slightly bemused but happy. These are the last two lines of a poem she's put up...

We watch one another. I fight the hunger
And I close the fucking refridgerator door.

I love it... go read the rest on her blog if you can ^_^

Annnnd I shall go now before I fall asleep! A bientot tout le monde! : ) xx

Saturday, 25 July 2009

Quick Update / New Diet

You would not believe the drama going on! I'll fill you all in soon... Thursday night if we ever make it home haha

So I just had a thought. I'm fed up of wishing I could be one of those skinny fuckers every time I see one of them in the street. Most of the time they aren't even pretty... but we all admire them and THINK they are because they look so good in their clothes. Clothes just LOOK better, regardless of where they're from or how much they cost, when they're hanging off a skinny frame. I want that frame. I want to shock everyone on results day. Our bodies are getting fucked up every day with the amount of chemicals in food and the amount of fat we're putting into them. It's going to stop. Extreme restricting for the rest of the summer will not harm my body any more than I'm currently doing.

I've maintained my weight loss of 21lbs so far, which I'm really pleased about. I said a while ago that I wanted to lose another 15lbs by the 20th of August. I get back on the 30th of July, giving me 22 days (I won't have to eat much on the 30th so that will count) to lose 15. That's going to be difficult. I've only managed 1lb every 2 days (any more than that per day appeared to be water weight which went back on quickly) so far so I'm not sure how it's going to happen.

The only answer is to fully go for it. Restriction, fast. I'm going to make an extreme plan and stick to it. I'm determined. And if I'm ever tempted to break a fast, I'm going to come on to this blog and write about it instead of eating. Summer's bound to have made me sloppy. No deadlines, no early starts, no assignments to complete, no exams to push myself for. Going onto this diet, and completing it, will prove to myself that I'm capable of working as hard as I did all year.

Thinking about a "15 Bite Diet". I thought of it this morning but I'm sure it exists already. 15 bites per day, so regardless of what I eat, I can keep the calories low. Say I had breakfast (yogurt), lunch (scrambled egg) and dinner (pasta) I could only have 5 bites each time. That's bound to keep the calories low. Drinks will either be water or diet drinks (diet coke, 7up free), I know they're unhealthy but yeah... It'll help me stick to the diet cos of the taste. Also, exercise. I must do more than 1 hour per day. 1 hour is the recommended amount, and I obviously want to go further than that. Running, walking, aerobics with weights. I can go for runs and walks with my little cousin. She loves spending time with me and I like it too, she's so cute and looks up to me, which I appreciate a lot. She's a really energetic kid and is content to run around all day if you let her. She also eats loads (but has such a good figure on her, healthy for her age (she's almost my height and she's only 12... I swear she could be a model) so I give her some of the treats which my mum insists on filling the cupboards with. We went for a three hour walk/run/badminton session a few weeks ago and when I get back from holidays I'll be able to do similar, as I'll have nothing else major to plan.

Any thoughts on this so far? Hope you're all doing well. Update me in a comment if you can, cos I can't access other blogs atm. Here's a bit of thinspo, must dash now tho. Back on Thursday!

Wednesday, 22 July 2009

Another 1lb Down

Title says it all. I'm so pleased! Now I'm going on hols 21lbs lighter than at the start of summer. Damn proud of myself. Still got about 29 days left to lost the 15lbs I want before I get my school results. I also got a new coat today, borrowed from a cousin of mine who has ALWAYS been skinnier than me. I've always felt sort of self conscious around him because of it as we're near the same age so are often compared (academically, physically, etc). It's actually 3 sizes smaller than the size I was wearing at the start of my weight loss, which is so so encouraging.

I can't wait to be in those extra small sizes. At the end of the school year I ordered a school leavers hoody in a size Medium. Most of us ordered Medium or Large, and my low self confidence was screaming at me to order a large to cover myself up... but then I became so determined to succeed at my weight loss that I changed mine to a medium at the last minute and I'm so glad I did now. I was doubting then whether it would fit me or not but now I'm sure it will, and if I keep going it should be fairly baggy by then too.

Turns out that in the last few months since I've seen that cousin he's put on 3 stone... so I'm now getting his clothes (they're actually really nice and way more expensive than I could afford) which, frankly, is fucking brilliant haha. This blog clearly brings out my inner bitch, but in my defense, he's not a very nice cousin. ^_^

This post is going to be fairly short. I've been in bed most of the day with a migraine which feels like it's doing its best to tear my head in two. I've had to eat to try get rid of it as it's one of the only things that works. I'm still not binging though, so should just maintain my weight today. I always take the attitude with things like this that being skinny will NEVER be more important than being healthy and happy. I'm trying to find a balance between the two, which is why most of my posts so are positive. Putting on 1lb is not going to kill me. It does not make me a bad person. It does not make me ugly. Losing weight is however making me feel more confident in myself, which is what I'm aiming for, and it's definitely worth sacrificing a few treats and working out. I'll be much healthier at a lower weight than I am now. My organs and bones under less stress and all that. Getting fit in the process of losing weight will be so good for me too.

Btw, the photo is because it's raining REALLY hard here... but apparently the weather is lovely where I'm going on hols! I'll try take some pics and post them when I'm back. If I'm not feeling confident enough with my weight loss then you'll at least get some lovely sightseeing photos haha. Thanks for all the comments on my last blog. The one about press ups was really good as I've not thought about doing those before. It's also good to see that someone's sharing my fucked up mood patterns haha. My head's too sore to link to your pages atm (I'm typing this without proper sight as my migraine's given me tunnel vision lol) but I'll credit you when I get back :).

I'm really looking forward to August, cos by then I'll know that results day is coming up and I'm planning a really strong effort to get those lbs lost. Right now I'm off to bed, after a fresh set of painkillers, to lay in the dark til my head gets better. In case I don't get to post before I leave for my holidays (quite early tomorrow so this will probably be my last post til I get back) good luck to everyone while I'm away. Take care of yourselves and stay strong. :) xx

Tuesday, 21 July 2009


So far I've had such a nice day. Staying in with some very special people talking, singing, playing star wars (them, not me haha). It was so nice. Intake so far has been fairly low. 1 low fat mousse (60 cals) and tomato soup (200 cals) so I've room for a treat tonight (low fat crisps - 100 cals). Good day. Just off for some exercise now. Feeling motivated and positive and rather lacking in news haha.

I thought some of you might find this site VERY useful for calculating calories burned in exercise. It has a list of 222 activites and calculates how many calories you, personally, will burn doing them, after you fill in your weight and how long the activity is done. It also tells you how many calories your body burns naturally at rest, so when you're sleeping or sitting down. I thought this was SO useful to know, and means you don't have to feel guilty when you're sitting relaxing. Your body's still doing some of the work for you!

Exercise plan:

1 hour jogging with weights ~ 400 cals
1/2 hour vacuuming ~ 140 cals
1/2 hour aerobics ~ 200

calories burned through exercise ~ 740
calories burned naturally during the rest of the day ~ 1540
total calories burned ~ 2280

Meal plan:
Breakfast: low fat mousse ~ 60 cals
Lunch: soup ~ 200 cals
Supper: low fat crisps ~ 100 cals

total calorie intake ~ 360

calorie deficit = 1920

So if I keep this up over 2 days I should have an extra 1lb lost before I go on holiday :) I'm excited.

Jogging with weights is my favourite exercise. It's something I can do at home (jogging on the spot in my room) without raising too much suspicion. Also I can have a movie on whilst I'm doing it or listen to music so it doesn't get boring. I'm hoping the weights will help me tone my arms cos I'm quite self conscious about them (I do reps whilst running). Gonna also try to fit in some sit ups at some point today.

Is everyone having a good day so far? StickThin - I can't see your blog :( maybe you have to add me as a friend or something? I'm not sure how it works. Thanks for everyone's lovely comments and congratulations on my last post. I'm so glad I cheered some of you up and that you're sharing my positivity :D

OK I shall go off and start this exercise before I leave it too long then am too tired... that happens too often. Thinking happy xx.

Monday, 20 July 2009


So I managed to find my thinspiration again. I'm just home from shopping and I'm TWO SIZES SMALLER!


Aw I'm in such a good mood now, that was just what I needed to motivate me to work harder again. I'm so excited now. Got a new shirt and a tighter fitting top which are both so flattering. I'll be wearing them on holiday and I already feel much more confident about it :D I don't remember ever wearing the size I have now... it's opened up so much for me. I really love fashion (hi, i'm a stereotype, how are you?) but could never wear what I wanted to so now it seems like if I keep going I'll be able to fully express myself. Expression is so important to me. I hate when I don't have the words for something. Now I'll be able to do it through my clothes as well.

Well not "now", but in 15lbs or so. ^_^

Tonight I'm staying under 500 cals. It works for me without making me miserable. Any less and I tend to get really bad headaches which just aren't worth it for me. I want to see Harry Potter again, damn it. The guy in today's thinspo has the body I want when I've reached my goal weight. I will get there, I'm absolutely determined now. I'm about to have what could turn into a massive argument with a friend so I'll get that over with then do some exercise to calm me down. Lucks. xx

PS. Thanks to everyone who gave a book recommendation! I'll be Wikiing and Amazoning soon! :) and of course I've read Lord of the Rings! Amazing series. Merry and Pip are adorable. Like Fred and George. We all love a good bit of twinning. SkinnyBitch needs to stop doubting how hardcore I am with my reading haha. I'd recommend you read The Historian by Elizabeth Kostova btw. It's lovely and creepy and incredibly well written. And about vampires. Haha

Soren had a good point about me not noticing my weight loss. The longer I'm doing this, the more I'm going to be looking in the mirror, criticising how I look, so my standards are going to get higher and higher and I won't appreciate my body changing. I'm going to pay close attention to my measurements and the size of clothing I'm fitting into as a way of rewarding myself and feeling achievement for what I'm doing.

xthinforever had a lovely idea about treating myself and I hope everyone's paying attention. If you're working hard you deserve a reward! Not necessarily food (if you're afraid you're going to binge) but something small and sweet like a manicure, some new jewellery, new hair, new make up. For me my treat was the clothes today, and I do feel great after it. Make sure you're all looking after yourselves. Thinking happy. xx

EDIT: I got my first thin compliment!! "You look so slim!" - when I put on my new top that is actually the right size for me! EEE! Aw happy now...

2nd EDIT: I'm exercising and it feels fucking fantastic. I'm so motivated now. I can see that it's going to take effort to get as skinny as my thinspo today and I'm looking forward to it. It wouldn't be a worthwhile achievement if I didn't have to work for it. (40 mins of jogging with weights done so far)


First thing's first. FEATURE! Ana's Girl has a seriously unique take on a pro ana blog. She's written it in prose form instead of the usual journal idea, and it's so interesting to read. A really powerful expression of how she sees the world. Check it out for me, comment to let us know what you think and give her some support!

I had a really shit day today. Loads of arguments with parents and stress with a friend. I was so down in the morning I couldn't get out of bed for ages. So that turned into a bit of a binge day, about 800 cals. Not really bothered honestly, my body doesn't seem to care what I eat atm and I've got bigger problems to worry about, which I won't talk about cos I don't want to depress myself haha

So how do we cope? Alcohol. Not really lol. I submerge myself in a book and let those ideas replace all the stress I have. Currently working myself through Eclipse. I'll end up reading til about 4am this morning... Everyone here seems to be Team Edward. Fair enough, he's the obvious choice BUTTT... Jacob really cares about Bella, he's got fucking sexy in New Moon and his ATTITUDE! Jesus, it's like "you want me, we both know it" and there's something seriously hot about that confidence. I want to see that movie and I want to see it now. Haha.

Who am I kidding? Edward all the way. I'm back at the stage where I'm reading and going WHY ISN'T THIS REAL? hahah

I also can't believe there's never going to be a new Harry Potter book. Hmph. Anyone know any other good series? Read His Dark Materials by Philip Pullman if you haven't yet, it's brilliant and much better than that shitty movie they made of the first one.

I'm lacking in thinspiration. 21lbs in and I'm sort of just losing motivation. I haven't seen the results I want yet and with other stresses mounting up I just want to be weak and take comfort in nice food. It's something I relied on slightly during all the stress on study leave before my A Levels. Just a little system of treats to keep me going through it. I'm not sure what to replace that with now. Books and movies I suppose. I can't rely on the comfort of friends as far as this is concerned because I know I'll only be called selfish/arrogant/self interested or they'll warn me about becoming anorexic and make me eat or feel guilty about it. More guilt is NOT what I need.

So yeah, photos of me were requested so photos of me are here... will be taken down soonish so look quickly and then go get something soothing to heal your eyes with:

... (photos removed) ...

These were all taken before the weight loss... I'll post new ones when I feel i've achieved enough.

Sunday, 19 July 2009


1. I really love the Twilight series. I'm going to start reading one of them again tonight as I'll have less time for recreational reading when I'm at uni so should make use of my spare time now. I'm not sure which one yet though. I don't really want to read the first again because I like when the books get more complicated and I love the Jacob element of the story. I think I'll read Eclipse cos of all the sexual tension with Jacob and Bella. I love that bit. Then maybe Breaking Dawn again. I wonder how they're going to make that into a film without upsetting the 12 year old fangirls. Are we Team Edward or Team Jacob amongst my followers?

2. University? It's going to be crazy. Away from my family and further from my best friends than I would like. I'm going to be relying on facebook and a hell of a lot of phone calls so I won't miss them too much. They really are great. Anyway, as far as the food aspect goes I hope I learn self control at uni. Meals at my uni seem well balanced. Any times I've eaten there before there have been lots of vegetables and no processed food, so my taste buds will have to adapt but it will be a healthy development. I'll also ALWAYS be eating in front of other people so I won't be able to pig out, which is a really good thing. As long as I don't allow myself to have snacks in my room I'll be fine. Plus, walking to lectures and being too busy to eat out of boredom, which is something that used to happen me a lot. That and the need to keep trim for formal dinners and parties and generally wanting to look good in a more pressurised social setting should help. There's so little pressure here as I'm in the country and usually just surrounded by family members...

3. Weight loss. I've lost 21lbs so far (shall weigh again in the morning and see if that has changed) but I don't feel any different. Well, I can notice a slight change in my shape but not enough. I want it to come off, now. I want to look great, now. I've been told a few times recently "you look great" but not "you look thinner" which is what I want. Desperately want someone to mention, even in passing, that I've lost weight. My mum hasn't noticed a thing as far as I know and she LIVES with me... I've no idea where the weight is coming off. I wish I could SEE it. Maybe it's going to take ANOTHER 21lbs before anyone notices... If that's the case then fuck it, 42lbs here I come. haha

4. Followers. Thank you all for the comments on my last post! They kept me going throughout the day so I'm really grateful :) wanted to mention Marc as a fellow male blogger who could do with a little more attention! Also, heebeejebus and I have discovered a shared love of Lily Cole as thinspo. She looks absolutely amazing. Importantly also, she goes to the uni I'm hoping to go to in October... so that's the kind of people I'll be surrounded by :| definite thinspo there haha.

Hope everyone's doing well then. Give me a comment to let me know :) I'm having a shopping trip in the city on Monday. I'm hoping I might be able to try a size lower than usual this time. That would be such a confidence booster. Also need to get a few things for holidays. I don't actually own a pair of shorts... that's how bad I am about covering up my body haha. All to change soon! :) Thinking happy. xx

Saturday, 18 July 2009


Afternoon because, as my bf sneaked out to work at 11am this morning, I wasn't properly awake and slept another 4 hours til 3pm... :|

So that's half a day's fast already completed haha. I'm sort of addicted to the idea of fasting now. It never actually ends up as a full fast but the resolve to keep going means that at the end of the day I've only consumed about 200 cals, 300 at most so the weight comes off, even more cos of the wee bit of food to boost my metabolism.

21lbs loss has been maintained! I was so worried that I'd put it on again in the morning... that it'd be some sort of trick of the scales but no, I am actually 21lbs lighter now. I'm thinking of trying to make up that weight with really heavy books or something on the scales so I can physically feel how much I've lost. It's actually crazy to think that at the start of this I was carrying around all that...

Anyway, just had a low fat toffee yogurt (90 cals) to start off my day. I've actually no idea what I'm doing today. I was SO low last night... wrote a really depressing post but decided not to publish. This morning I'm feeling okay but not particularly motivated for anything. Hmph. At least I'm not motivated to eat... lol. Might see if I can stream Harry Potter online. It really is such a good movie, despite all the slagging it's getting for not being close to the book.

Desert Flower wants my body. What can I say, I'm looking better these days :P. Happy Mandela Day to her too. Hanz needs some followers, everyone let's support! She's got the same aim as me (20th of August results day - where are you applying to btw Hanz? My insurance is Kings London just in case it's there lol). Aw thanks, uni talk always cheers me up. Followers are amazing. ^_^ Thanks for all the encouraging positive comments too. The weight seems to be finally coming off but I was on a plateau for like 10 days, so if you're in a similar position, don't worry - it does end! Currently watching that Size Zero programme with Louise Redknapp. So interesting so far. Thinking happy. xx

EDIT: Off for an hour of aerobics cos I had to eat there and ate more than I should have... dessert was a choc chip cookie. Ouch. xx

Friday, 17 July 2009


2 more lbs lost in ONE day on my fast! After a night of eating ben and jerry's ice cream?! what the fuck body!?

That's 21lbs so far!!

WAAAAAAA!!! :D :D :D :D :D !!!


New goals!

Ok, so my goal day for weight loss is the 20th of August. It's when my school results come out and when I'm going to see my friends, my old enemies and my general peers together all at once for the first time in weeks. I want to look good and I want to have lost 15 more lbs. That's just a little bit more than the girls who are going for 10lbs in the same time so we're sort of in this bit together :)

So I've about 30 days to do it in. 1lb every 2 days. So I need a calorie deficit of 1750 per day. Hmm.. If I eat about 300 cals per day at most then that should be possible. Shouldn't be too hard and if I need a snack or something to keep my motivation up I'll just exercise a bit more to allow it. Throw in a few fast days and I SHOULD be able to make it. That would be 36lbs lost in 2 months. Sounds pretty good ^__^.

I wonder how tomorrow will go. It would be awful to wake up and have put on some weight. Scales seem so unreliable. But I'll stay positive for now. It's been quite a productive day and I'm almost finished making plans for my holidays (leaving on the 23rd til the 28th so no blogging :o which I will miss a lot... and no scales either for that matter :S and lots of tempting food...)

Shit haha. I'll use the excuse that I don't have much money and eat as little as possible whilst walking a LOT. Sightseeing and all that.

For the next few days before I leave I'm going to try to be as good as possible and lose as much weight as I can. Thanks for your support so far everyone :) It's been fucking amazing to finally break through that BLOODY PLATEAU. Ha!

Ho Hum

Today seems a bit of a slow day. I've a double 18th party I'm meant to be going to tonight but I'm not sure I will. Firstly I won't be able to fast, as it's in a really fancy Chinese restaurant (where would you start with the calories there?) and the cinema after. The cinema so far seems to be my greatest weakness...

So last night was really good. Harry Potter 6 is the best one yet. Draco's acting was divine (the crying scene in the toilets? awwww...), Harry was absolutely hilarious (Felix Felicis didn't make him drunk in my imagination...), the ending was really moving, and it packed in so much from the books. I know they can't stick religiously to the text but considering the time they had I think they did a kick ass job. Does anyone else LOVE the Ron and Hermione pairing? Aw I'm so excited about it. I might go read some fan fiction now! Aw it's so good! What other pairings do you think should happen? I can't give up on Draco/Harry yet... especially as Draco got so hot in the 6th film. ): haha

As far as food goes I did as expected. Nuts, Diet Coke and a bit of ice cream. No damage on the scales (I checked this morning). Seeing the fat friend made me feel that I deserved a bit of food and it felt good eating it knowing I'm so much lighter than she is. I swear, she must be a size 24 now. This would be nasty saying this but I know she won't read it and I need to get it out (forgive me?)... I was a size 18 equivalent at my highest (shameful, I know) but I realised eventually that I needed to take action and I did. I don't know how she does it.

Ok so, I couldn't be arsed with the chinese tonight. I'm still sick from the festival and I shouldn't be risking spreading it around, especially as the 18 year old to be is pregnant. Surely it's not a good idea to get her sick? (She's in a loving relationship and is getting married this year or next by the way, she's not some teenage tramp that sleeps around... haha)

How is everyone getting on with their fasts/restriction? sorry_i_cant_be_perfect apologised for writing me a long comment - don't! I love getting comments and the more there is to read the better! It really gives me a nice start to my day to get your input so feel free, even if you're saying something someone else has already said. Just go for it! Thanks for all the congrats about Cambridge from Soren, xthinforever, Dot, Nic and Yasmine. I love those names! Soren seems really majestical, Nic is the name of one of my best friends, Dot is just so cute and simple but memorable and comforting (seems like the name of a strong person) and Yasmine makes me think of the princess in Aladdin. That was my favourite movie as a kid. Check out each other's blogs! Have a look at TinyPerfection if you can too. She's just starting off and has 4 followers. We all know what it's like to feel that no one's listening... so let's help each other out.

I've had my 90 cals to kickstart my metabolism so I'm ready to go for the day. Really no interest in food at all. I can still feel that junk in me from yesterday and it's making me feel a bit queasy. Definitely not in the mood for food anyway. Might do a bit of exercise. I like doing about 1 hour of aerobics/jogging whilst lifting weights, concentrating on the number of reps rather than using heavy weights, as I want to give myself a workout and burn cals rather than build muscle.

I've not much other option as far as exercise is concerned. I can't afford a gym and if I go for a run EVERYONE will know. It's a wee neighbourhood and they all love to gossip. Especially as a lot of my family live in this area. A lot = all. None of them moved more than 1 mile from the house they grew up in. I don't get it. I want to travel and see new things and meet new people and learn from the world but they're happy staying here doing the same thing every day? A lot of them are very prejudiced and narrow minded. I'm not religious personally, but I'll save that debate for another time, but they take it so seriously and judge everyone the bible judges. In their eyes women are the second sex, gay people are disgusting sinners and even alcohol is the work of the devil. It disgusts me. Women should be honoured and respected for what they have to go through every fucking month just to keep this population going, not made to act as servants chained to the kitchen for men... ugh. I can't wait to leave.

I'm going to go search for some good fanfiction now ( if you've not read before, I hope you get hooked haha) and then maybe start to read my book which just arrived in the post (I Amazon) and get into some learning later. Just in the mood for it :) Thinking happy <3

Thursday, 16 July 2009

What The Fuck? WEIGHT LOSS!

I binged last night. Parental pressure again. Set everything out saying I hadn't eaten all day so I had to have something. Ate 4 sandwiches, 4 jaffa cakes (ashamed of that bit) and ice cream. That IS all I had all day (apart from the custard in the morning) so I suppose it's still not much but it's far from a fast. The "What the fuck" part of this comes when I stepped on the scale this morning and found...

I've lost another lb!!! That's 19lbs lost so far. I've a right to be proud of that, yeah? ^_^

I don't even WANT to eat today. I'm going to the cinema tonight with a friend who must be between size 18 and 22. Surely the sight of that will put me off food. She's a great girl but I really don't know how she could let herself get that far. I haven't seen her in a month (I was 19lbs heavier last time she saw me...) so I hope she notices! I just know I'll be sneaking looks at her arms and tummy all the time. Comparing them to my own and probably convincing myself that I'm just as big lol. Hello body dysmorphia...

Mum's here though so I'll have to plan some food in. A little bit of tomato soup will make her happy. I can always throw as much of it out as I want. She's always in and out of the house so the sight of the empty bowl will be enough for her. Then I'll have Diet Coke tonight (the only low cal drink at our cinema) and order some popcorn or nuts. I'm trusting that my fat friends will eat more than me and that the sight of it again will make me want to eat less. Also, regardless of how much I eat it'll still be under 500 cals, so it's fine. That seems to be a good amount for me. I really don't understand my body but it seems to be rewarding a little bit of food with weight loss...

Also HARRY POTTER! God I'm so excited. I love the series. It's what started me reading properly I think, which is such an important part of my life now. Lots of people commented on the uni photo in my last post, which was so so nice because you'd think that some people are just interested in how much you lose, rather than you as a person. So thank you everyone who made a comment <3

That uni means so much to me. It's Cambridge for those who didn't guess. I've wanted to go there since 4th year (age 15 for any non-UK/Eire residents) and have been working my ass off for it since. My college only accepts 3 people per year so I obviously thought I had no chance. Up against people from really expensive public schools who had been trained by experts in interview techniques and taught by brilliantly qualified teachers while I went through final year in school without a teacher in my main subject, in a really poor state school.

THE POINT OF THAT WAS - I was up against something I didn't think possible, and I succeeded. So this weight loss shouldn't be a problem, yeah? Just one more little goal to achieve. All we need to do is NOT eat. We don't have to even do ANYTHING. Just leave the food on it's own and do something else. Something fun. Something interesting. Something exciting. Something worthwhile. Not just stuffing our faces with food our body does NOT need. We CAN do this and we WILL!

EDIT: On a less positive note, my mother is driving me insane, standing over me, walking around my room inspecting it, watching my every move for something to criticise, shouting every time she sees me relaxing. I might just lose more weight now and not stop just to piss her off

SO far today: 200 cals - a little bit of soup and half a small bread roll. Considering just having diet coke tonight. Want to enjoy the film without my tummy rumbling away over Harry though...

YES! Mum just offered to go get me my FAVOURITE meal (Chinese food) and I said no, even though I've been looking one for days. This feeling right now, of winning over my cravings, is MUCH better than how the food would have tasted. By far.

Wednesday, 15 July 2009

Second Attempt

Woke up this morning feeling more determined. Exercise last night went well and I've a free afternoon to do whatever I want. I just ate half a small tub of custard (70 cals) to kick start my metabolism, under the advice of someone I know who got to size zero, from eating 90 cals per day in the morning and nothing else.

Mum's ranting about me spending too much now. It's my own money and I'm going to university in a few months (massive student loans) so I don't care and she shouldn't either. She's trying to do every single bit of mothering she can until I'm away, living in another country making my own decisions.

Jesus. That'll be nice. It'll be weird leaving Ireland. I really do love my country and feel so at home in Dublin. Not because of family connections or anything, I just naturally felt secure the first time I went there, and it's going to be unsettling to be a whole sea away from that. But I am really so excited about uni. If I get the A Level results I need (AAA) I'll be living here for the next 4 years...

I read that someone was using a car as thinspiration and they thought that was weird. Well there you go, I'm using a building as thinspo. Do I win? :P Food at uni is catered for us, so I've no need to have snacks in my room. Plus, I'll be walking to lectures every day and walking to the shop to buy random things and cycling around in my free time. Should be fine. Plus the idea of having to go to formals (there are quite a lot in my uni) and looking trim in my formal wear will keep me motivated. There's a year photo at the very start (4th of October) so I NEED to look good for that.

It's 1pm and my fast is going well. I feel like I can make it today. Watching Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix at the minute with my little sis, who is gladly chomping down crisps and chocolate. I'll keep the papers on my bed for when mum comes home. Going out around 6 to catch the new Harry Potter at the cinema, so I won't have to eat then either. I'll tell mum I'm eating out and I'll tell friends I'm ill/I've already eaten. Should be fine.

Hope everyone's going well. Thinking thin. xx

Tuesday, 14 July 2009

I'm A Failure

I just ate. My parents made me. I feel so sick. This close to throwing it all up.

EDIT: Fuck it. I'm exercising. 3 hours straight. Fuck. It. I'm going to be thin. I'm going to be incredibly, unbelievably, shockingly thin. Fuck them all.

2nd EDIT: Exercise started. 30 mins in (I'm off to get a drink before starting in again) and I feel empowered. Taking my life into my own hands again. It feels fucking great. Harry Potter audiobook is keeping me going too.

3rd EDIT: Just measured my waist and hips. I've lost 1" off each from the last time I measured, so even though my weight hasn't changed, the loss has shown on my body - YAY! but... fuck D: mum just woke up and caught me exercising. I swear I can't do a THING without being caught. Funny though how she still hasn't worked out that the "friend" who I'm constantly with, or constantly txting if he's not here, is my boyfriend... selective vision that woman has. Back to exercise. Thinking thin. xx

First Fast

I'm so so motivated to do it today! A lot of that has come from waking up to 10 comments, you're all so supportive and I appreciate them all! Also got a few people saying for photos. I took one last night when I was just home from the festival so I look pure wrecked in it but I'll post it tomorrow anyway haha. It'll be deleted very quickly in case anyone finds this blog, but I'll hopefully keep it up long enough for my followers to see.

Okay so - fasting. Never tried it before, don't know how possible it's gonna be with my mum here, but I'm gonna give it a go. Does anyone have any tips? haha

Here's what I'm thinking so far.
1. I've got a throat infection (true) which I picked up at the festival (kissing strangers) (that was a joke) so I can't eat cos it hurts.
2. "I've eaten already" (mum's in town - I'll set out some plates with sauce or something on them when I've written this and say I'm reaalllly full when she gets back)
3. Thinspiration - I'm gonna look at my thinspo and imagine myself like that. If I don't eat I'll achieve it so much sooner.
4. Reverse thinspiration - This seems to help me so much. Those videos on youtube of really fat people eating just make me so disgusted at the thought of food.
5. Distraction - DVDs! Harry Potter is coming up in 2 days. I'm thinking of a DVD marathon... all the Harry Potters in one day. Sound good? I bloody well think so. ha
6. Drinking - I was completely dehydrated throughout the festival. The only thing close to a healthy drink was Diet Coke. No water even. 1 Diet Coke was $3 as well so that wasn't happening... lol. So getting a good amount of water today will help make up for that and maybe move along the weight loss while keeping the hunger pangs down.

Right well that's my intention so we'll see if I'm strong enough to carry it out. Anyone else joining me? Let me know how you're getting on. Thinking thin xx

Monday, 13 July 2009

I'm Home!

Holy jesus mother of fucking mary. THAT WAS SO AMAZING! Holy. Christ.

Four days of absolute amazingness. The comment from Layla was so relevant. This was my big holiday with some great friends and weight loss wasn't my priority. I was going to eat as little as possible and I did so on the first day, but couldn't keep it up. The thought of fainting in the middle of 100,000 people, possibly at night when my friends couldn't find me, scared the shit out of me so I just ate as normal. Festival food is far from healthy - the only meal I could get to was chips, as my friends had ordered the same thing, but I did manage to stay away from most snacks. Sometimes snacking wasn't greed, it was just so necessary - I went 48 hours without sleep, then got 3 hours the next night, 4 hours the next and none last night, due to partying with friends and due to the other people partying around our tents until 8am...

So yeah, I was expecting to put on weight by the time I got home but I just weighed myself and I'm the same weight. All the exercise I was doing cancelled out the chips! Not a bad result, plus the festival itself was awesome.

Karah (new follower, HI!) was right to be jealous about the Killers. Awesome light show and set list. Lady Gaga totally owned the stage. Paolo Nutini was just pure hotness personified. SNOW PATROL! :D aaah! And they're Irish too. The Script - please please download them if you haven't heard them yet! They're fellow wee Dublin boys too. Dancing to Calvin Harris and Pendulum was so amazing. Saw Dead Mau5 and Boyz Noize in the Dance Arena too which was brilliant. Of Montreal and Florence and the Machine on top of a hill with hot chocolate and excellent company. The Ting Tings were fantastic as expected. Pet Shop Boys put on an amazing show too, I was totally shocked. We just wandered into their tent because it was raining and they had lights and props and dancers (including this gorgeous skinny toned black guy who just made me think thin even morrrre) which was so so good. More thinspo came in the form of Patrick Wolf who looked as good as he sounded (photo at the top of this post!).

Aw there was actually so much thinspo around. Almost everyone was skinny. I didn't see very many overweight people but it was really obvious when they were and that made me remember what I'm working for. So I've really come back more encouraged to work hard and not give up. I've seen some great bands and become inspired by music again. I'll set to downloading the new bands I've discovered and will have something else to exercise to this week!

I got so bloody sunburnt though. Wearing glasses (sun) at the time too so it's fairly obvious. I'm applying layer upon layer of Sudo Creme on my face hoping it turns to tan as I'm going out to the cinema tomorrow (to see Bruno) and on Wednesday (HARRY POTTER!) so I need to be able to look half decent for those.

Thanks for the comments and the new followers everyone. I was so excited about coming back to see if anyone had said anything and to update you all. I really appreciate it! I'll be reading your blogs when I've had a wee rest. I've no plan for the rest of the day. I'm fully wrecked so I plan to lay on my ASS and do nothing but catch up on the episodes of Torchwood I missed. Just gonna weigh myself in the morning and start fresh. Positivity :)

Anyone else excited about Harry Potter or am I just being cool on my own...? hahah hope you're all getting on well. Thinking thin. xx

Wednesday, 8 July 2009

See You in 4 Days!

It looks like last night's food didn't affect my weight loss. Lost the 1/2 lb back again this afternoon ^_^ I'm in rather a good mood.

So far today I've had a bite of a scone. I've got a bit of hayfever at the moment so I always have a box of tissues near. As soon as mum left the room I grabbed the scones, put most of them in two rolled up tissues, left a few big crumbs to make it look like I'd eaten almost everything and held the tissues up to my nose when she was looking, stood up and then cleared my plate away. Got away with it.

I might eat something later as it's the last meal I'm going to get for 4 days I imagine. Thank you so much Layla for your advice! Fainting would be shit, so I'll be packing a few low cal snacks as you suggested. The people going with us are pretty stick thin but I'm not sure if they're some of those people who can eat everything and not lose weight... I hope not. Too much temptation lol.

I should head off and do some packing now. No one seems fully prepared (surely you would have bought a sleeping bag before now?) but we'll get there. Beginner has joined the debate about male thinspo and has been brave enough to post a photo up. Sexy shoulders, seriously! I'm jealous!

Thanks Sarah too for your comment, it was really reassuring. Everyone's been so sweet with their support, and Desert Flower I hope your stress sorts itself out soon! :)

Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck! Away for four days!! WITH NO SHOWERS ;_; lmao... Aw dear. Last time was awesome so we'll see how it goes. Keeping positive and weight recorded for the last time. I'd love to lose 3lbs when I'm away. I'll be starting exercise when I get home anyway so I don't really mind. Anything will be appreciated, thinking thin, thinking positive.

Hope my followers don't lose interest while I'm gone... Take care, be healthy and look after yourselves. A bientot!

Night Out With Guilt

So this night out wasn't as successful as the last. Cinema (snacks) then friends demanded we get food. I ordered a small chip and diet coke, whilst everyone else ordered huge meals (something called a SUPER chip... it's massive, I couldn't even look at it). It was my second diet coke today and I got my first "What's going on with you?" comment. I made an excuse "I'm addicted to Diet Coke... feels like there's more caffeine in it don't you think?" which totally worked. My friend just laughed and rolled his eyes at me as I'm well known for always being busy and working so I would be needing the extra caffeine... got away with it for now.

ABC went out the window today then haha. But, as I stuck to it most of today and hardly ate anything (a few spoonfuls of tomato soup this morning) I won't have messed up too badly. To make up for it I'm cutting out more calories tomorrow. I did really well today before the night out so I think I will manage it. I'm not into the self hatred thing when something goes wrong with my diet. I get over it, move on, and determine to do better the next day. I WILL do better tomorrow. Positivity! It helps avoiding binges as well I find.

Plus - four days of hardly any food and LOTS of exercise ahead. 10 hours of dancing at least per day - I'll be wrecked but I do not care haha. I'll miss this blog though. I've got a few new followers which I am SO grateful for. Just knowing you're reading, even if you don't comment, is such an encouragement. I don't want to let you down as well as myself! We'll manage it together :)

Just weighed myself before bed. I'm 1/2 a pound heavier than I was this morning, but I always weigh more at night and, considering the fast food, it doesn't look too bad. Plus I saw a great film tonight (The Hangover - go see if you haven't already), had a laugh with mates and got asked to 2 parties - which I'm determined to look slimmer for.

I loved hearing your stories about Thinspo. Seems like we all have that outfit we want to fit into! My little brother tried on that sport's shirt I'm dying to fit into today and it fit him. He's 7 year's younger than me so it's good to know that I'm not far from being the same size as him... but about a foot taller haha

Oh there's a first stat then: I'm 5' 9". Fairly grateful for my height too, except on those occasions where I just want to hide but can't because I'm above everyone else in the crowd... argh.

Hope everyone's having a good ABC (or other plan). I'll be back on track tomorrow. One question though - all my followers seem to be female so far - if you like my thinspo, would you like me to post some photos of girls too? Thinking thin xx

Tuesday, 7 July 2009

Day 3 of ABC - My Thinspiration

Absolutely ecstatic this morning. 2 days of ABC completed and I've lost my 2nd lb!! 1lb per day seems fairly successful to me. Does that mean I could have lost 50lbs by the end of this? Eeeeeeee...

That would be amazing. The end of the 50 days diet happens to be the day I get my senior school results. That's the day I want to look great for. The last day I'll see everyone from school together; the people I've grown up with, the odd one's who've made me feel self conscious about my weight, the few who openly, aggressively teased me. That day means so much to me. It basically decides my future - which uni I'll be going to, which country I'll be spending my next 4 years of study in (Scotland, England or Ireland). I really hope I get good results but as well as that I'd love to look fucking good haha.

Other wee targets:
I think we've all got a piece of clothing we really want to be able to get into again. Personally, I have a few lol. A pair of trousers that fit me last year but are now a bit tight, that I wore during thet interview that won me an offer from my university, and a sports shirt in which I won my last sporting title for the school. Both successful periods of my life that I really want to get back to.

Anyone wanna share their thinspiration?
Thinking thin xx

Positive Note

I refuse to go to bed without making up for that miserable post haha. Aw life feels much better now. I'm really tired so I'll be off to share a nice warm bed as soon as this is written. I stuck to my 500 today (think I took in a little less) despite being encouraged to eat and being provided with desserts at every opportunity haha. We have a cupboard stacked full of snack foods that I would have chucked down me in a few days not too long ago. It seems like I've developed self restraint!

Excited about the weigh in tomorrow. I shouldn't have lost any more (1lb in 1 day without exercise doesn't make sense to me) but if I've maintained then hopefully I'll be down another by day 4 of ABC. Tomorrow I'm only allowed 300 cals. I've never done that before so it could be difficult. Firstly finding foods with so little calories that I can arrange into 2 meals (I can't get away with any less without raising suspicion from Mum) which is difficult because I'm not a health food person. Honestly I'd rather go without food than chomp on the veggies lol...

I guess I'll just see how it goes. I'm feeling optimistic anyway. Thinking thin. xx

Monday, 6 July 2009

Day 2 of ABC - Success!!

I've lost 1lb! he he heeee it's put me in such a good mood. It's quite scary how the number on the scales decides how I'm going to approach the day... but as long as the numbers are going down I'm happy for now. So I'm allowed 500 cals again today. Shouldn't be a problem :) The only thing keeping me back from losing weight at the minute is my ankle. I sprained it a few weeks ago and it's still stinging... I have to resist putting any strain on it so I can go to this festival this weekend. I don't want to have to limp around a field and not be able to dance to Lady Gaga, Boyz Noize, Friendly Fires, Paolo Nutini, Kings of Leon, Yeah Yeah Yeahs, The Killers, Lily Allen, Katy Perry and The Ting Tings...

It really should be so much fun!! Exercise, restricted food intake and some AMAZING music. Ahh, I'm determined to keep to my limit today. I feel GREAT for resisting the chocolate bar I was given yesterday. I've put it in my secret stash in my room. It's working great so far, it's above my wardrobe behind some photos where no one has any need to look.

On top of all that I have some great new followers! Thanks so much for supporting me! Check each other out so we can all help each other. I feel like some celebratory male thinspo is in order. Think thin!

I love love this one... I've seen it done so often by girls. We're all after the same thing! xx

Night out without guilt

Just had to get out of the house tonight, it was getting so claustrophobic. We have a family member in hospital at the moment and it seems that our family's way of coping is making huge amounts of food; remnants of which are scattered all around the house. Not good for the self control!!

So I went out for a bit of thinking time for a walk along the river. The usual drunk crowd singing away, providing enough amusement to keep my mind busy, while the cold night air provided that light, refreshing feeling that makes me feel I can do anything.

God, I love my city.

Sunday, 5 July 2009

500 cals

10:40 and i've my 500 calories for the day eaten. I feel disgusting for what I just ate. I'm within today's limit but it felt like such a binge. Probably because my mum forced the food on me (guilt if I don't eat what she made) and then I ate it so quickly I wanted to throw it all up again. Yuck, yuck, yuck. Nasty food.

More thinspo. I'll get there.

Day 1 of ABC

Day 1 of ABC. It's 2pm and I'm just up due to a late night. Two things have made me even more determined to do this diet. Firstly - I weighed myself this morning and I'm 1lb heavier. Should have expected it I suppose. Days out with friends aren't going to go unnoticed on the scales.

Secondly I've been reading the blogs of some of the people who've commented me and their determination has really encouraged me. It feels so much better to be doing this as a group and helping each other along.

So today I'm starting at 500 calories. I'm having something as soon as I finish this to get my metabolism started and then I'll leave the other 400 cals (or less if I can) for the evening meal, with NO snacks. Snacks at night are what really get me.

1: 500 calories
2: 500 calories
3: 300 calories
4: 400 calories

So that's my next 4 days planned out. After that I'm heading off to my music festival so I can't really plan so well, but judging from previous experiences, this is one of the few holidays which doesn't involve binging. Food is VERY expensive and hard to come by because of the huge queues. There will be a lot of alcohol going on but I can get past that by taking a drink and keeping it in my hand. There are 20 of us going altogether so it'll be difficult to notice if one person is drinking less than anyone else, especially in the dark. Plus LOADS of exercise - nowhere to sit down for 16 hours of the day, including about 5 hours of hard dancing and the rest spent walking, running, jumping around in excitement. Think of the calories burned.

Last year my friend lost a STONE. A whole 14lbs in 3 days. Now wouldn't that be a fantastic start to ABC?

Day Out

Days out never work out well. With friends I have to eat as they're all so conscious of people skipping meals. The two "recovering" anorexics in our friend group made sure of that.

Recovering really is no where near relevant. Both of them, I can say with complete certainty, do not regret their weight loss. They both look amazing now and are full of confidence. They go out, are part of a greater circle of friends, meet new people with no problems and are accepted, to a great extent, due to their looks. I'm sick of this "don't skip meals... you've seen what it does" attitude. Yeah i've seen; it's made people happy. Why should I not be allowed to have that too?

So today I had to eat a meal. Kept the portion small, but had a milkshake too (tradition among friends) and a chocolate bar. I ate little else the rest of the day though, apart from a low calorie snack which is how I'm justifying myself for the moment, even though I don't deserve it. I'm trying to keep a positive attitude.

Just agreed to do the ABC diet; my first step towards what my friends achieved and what I want to achieve too. I'm excited. Is anyone joining me?

Goal for the morning:
I'd love to be down 1lb, but realistically I'm hoping to have maintained my weight. Weight loss to begin from then on.

Total lost so far:

Thursday, 2 July 2009

First Post

1 month in and I've finally decided to stop just reading and start contributing. I weigh a lot more than most of the people I've seen blogging on here but I've made a decision to lose weight and I'm just as determined as anyone else to achieve my goal.

I'm certainly nowhere near ana. I don't think it's even possible right now with the amount my mother's watching what I eat. She's a complete hypocrite making me eat anyway as she is tiny herself and barely eats a thing, but that's off topic. She just made a huge plate of sandwiches which I currently have sitting in front of me, so she just made the decision for what I'm having today. 1/4 of a sandwich (the rest will be thrown out when she's not looking) and 1 small apple before bed.

I'm pretty content with my progress so far. I've been exercising from 1 to 3 hours per day, and taking in less than 500 calories on most, occasionally going over due to weakness or social occasions but always exercising to compensate. Due to this I've been losing 1lb every 2 days which is respectable I think. So far I've lost 17lbs. I should be proud of the weight loss but I know it's not enough so I won't be posting my stats yet.

My goals are focused on two events this summer. I'm going to a music festival in a week's time and I really want to look better in the photos than I did last year. Those things are full of skinny girls in little dresses and skinny boys looking amazing. At the end of the month also I'm going on holiday and yeah... the thought of what I'm going to look like over there is driving me to cut the snacks and behave myself.

Oh and the blog name. Poker Face - symbolises to me just how much I need to hide this. I'm dying to tell someone "I've lost over a stone!" but I know as soon as I do that I'll have people watching what I eat. In my group of friends, two have been diagnosed as anorexic so everyone knows what to look out for. I've seen how ill they've been in the past (although both are healthy and MUCH more happy now they're thin) so I hope I'm aware of when to stop.

I'll stop this now and maybe blog again later. If anyone reads this please comment and let me know you're out there. all the best xx