Thursday, 16 July 2009

What The Fuck? WEIGHT LOSS!

I binged last night. Parental pressure again. Set everything out saying I hadn't eaten all day so I had to have something. Ate 4 sandwiches, 4 jaffa cakes (ashamed of that bit) and ice cream. That IS all I had all day (apart from the custard in the morning) so I suppose it's still not much but it's far from a fast. The "What the fuck" part of this comes when I stepped on the scale this morning and found...

I've lost another lb!!! That's 19lbs lost so far. I've a right to be proud of that, yeah? ^_^

I don't even WANT to eat today. I'm going to the cinema tonight with a friend who must be between size 18 and 22. Surely the sight of that will put me off food. She's a great girl but I really don't know how she could let herself get that far. I haven't seen her in a month (I was 19lbs heavier last time she saw me...) so I hope she notices! I just know I'll be sneaking looks at her arms and tummy all the time. Comparing them to my own and probably convincing myself that I'm just as big lol. Hello body dysmorphia...

Mum's here though so I'll have to plan some food in. A little bit of tomato soup will make her happy. I can always throw as much of it out as I want. She's always in and out of the house so the sight of the empty bowl will be enough for her. Then I'll have Diet Coke tonight (the only low cal drink at our cinema) and order some popcorn or nuts. I'm trusting that my fat friends will eat more than me and that the sight of it again will make me want to eat less. Also, regardless of how much I eat it'll still be under 500 cals, so it's fine. That seems to be a good amount for me. I really don't understand my body but it seems to be rewarding a little bit of food with weight loss...

Also HARRY POTTER! God I'm so excited. I love the series. It's what started me reading properly I think, which is such an important part of my life now. Lots of people commented on the uni photo in my last post, which was so so nice because you'd think that some people are just interested in how much you lose, rather than you as a person. So thank you everyone who made a comment <3

That uni means so much to me. It's Cambridge for those who didn't guess. I've wanted to go there since 4th year (age 15 for any non-UK/Eire residents) and have been working my ass off for it since. My college only accepts 3 people per year so I obviously thought I had no chance. Up against people from really expensive public schools who had been trained by experts in interview techniques and taught by brilliantly qualified teachers while I went through final year in school without a teacher in my main subject, in a really poor state school.

THE POINT OF THAT WAS - I was up against something I didn't think possible, and I succeeded. So this weight loss shouldn't be a problem, yeah? Just one more little goal to achieve. All we need to do is NOT eat. We don't have to even do ANYTHING. Just leave the food on it's own and do something else. Something fun. Something interesting. Something exciting. Something worthwhile. Not just stuffing our faces with food our body does NOT need. We CAN do this and we WILL!

EDIT: On a less positive note, my mother is driving me insane, standing over me, walking around my room inspecting it, watching my every move for something to criticise, shouting every time she sees me relaxing. I might just lose more weight now and not stop just to piss her off

SO far today: 200 cals - a little bit of soup and half a small bread roll. Considering just having diet coke tonight. Want to enjoy the film without my tummy rumbling away over Harry though...

YES! Mum just offered to go get me my FAVOURITE meal (Chinese food) and I said no, even though I've been looking one for days. This feeling right now, of winning over my cravings, is MUCH better than how the food would have tasted. By far.


  1. YES WE CAN!

    wooooaaah Cambridge! boy that means you are special : )

    i haven't eaten since last thursday and that was only breakfast ('cos i was still at home).

  2. YES WE CAN! :P

    I think your plan sounds solid. And Draco Malfoy is hot in it, he had a great outfit on <3
    wooops gotta go to work bye and good luck!!

    preach on, son! <3
    you're awesome. im glad i found you.

    omg, and congratulations on being accepted!!
    that is really quite something. and if you can do that, you obviously have strong enough mental perserverance to do anything. i believe youll get to whereever you want to be. :)

  4. no problem, sugar. <3 :)
    keep on keepin' on.

  5. There's nothing as sweet as knowing you've got control over yourself.
    To remain impassive against food and other comforts, it's just wonderful.
    Stay strong ; P

  6. preach on my brothers and sisters
    woooh0000! lo0Ool
    i feel so motivated.
    fucking C00Ntrol!!
    water fast tomorrow, gonna be mY most fucking successful fast evVvvV3RrrR!!
    i love your blogs. & yes you're soo right, its not all about the losing weight,(although that is the main reason we are all here)but we also get to know who people in our situation really are.
    they're not depressed little shits sitting sulking at home, they aim for bigger better things, and actually get off their lazy bums and do something with their lives.
    well done for getting accepted into cambridge!

    you can do it.
    YeS wE CaN!!!!

    sorry for the novel i've just written :)

  7. Ah! Congratulations on the loss! I can't believe how much you've lost! It's truly amazing : D You do deserve to be proud of yourself.
    And I must say really amazing job on getting into Cambridge. That is so incredible. I'm seriously in awe. And you are so right about how we can overcome the impossible, so weight loss is possible. It was really nice for me to read that. I think I needed to read that, to help put things into focus.
    Stay strong, you're doing so wonderful <3

  8. Absolutely love your blog keep it up =D. i'm happy you lost a pound. My question is this, does she know you aren't eating and are trying to lose wieght or is she just one of those parents that wants their kids to eat all the time regardless?

    Also wow!! Grats on school as well

  9. OMGOSH! Cambridge?
    I've heard of that place before!
    (even though i'm in Australia)
    but that's wow!

    Congratulations on getting in there! ;D

    Yasmine. xx