Thursday, 27 August 2009

Weight Loss Buddy

I've got someone close supporting me now. Shan't say who, but it's gonna be so much easier now. We're starting from tomorrow, cutting out all snacks and exercising. Can't wait =D

I've been eating way too much recently, but I've had a great time with it. There were so many parties that just couldn't be ignored and I have put on 2lbs because of it. That's just given me a short term goal to sort out. I'm not getting down about it, I'm just getting focused.

I saw the photos from results day in the paper this morning. The photographer is SO untalented, it's unreal. He took all the photos from an angle below everyone's face, so it's like CHINCHINCHIN city. I'm glad I only have one of them now, but still... really. I know the photos look a lot better than they would have done last year, and I can see progress but I can also see a fair bit to go yet. I'll get there though. For sure.

This MacBook is divine, by the way.

I'm so fucking tired these days. A few times I've just been eating to have the energy to move... More sleep is in order. Trying not to go down the line of caffeine instead of the hours in bed. Very tempting though. Getting into uni is stressful. I've a DoS to email, a payment schedule to send, a bank account to set up... argh, stress! If this is what adult life is like...

Anyway, enough of that haha. Leave me a comment please, I love reading them :) especially if they're long and rambly. Those are the best ones. Slag me off, tell me I've been lazy, support me, encourage me, or post something totally unrelated. If you haven't before, don't be shy! I'm really... very lovely.


Have lovely productive days everyone :] this bambino's off to sleep. xx

Tuesday, 25 August 2009

Ribs? Not yet...

I'm getting a macbook today ^_^ and I have a helium balloon. Life is therefore good. Going up to the city with one parent, an uncle and an aunt (but hopefuilly sneaking away with a friend asap.)My iPod is being fully charged to make that journey more bearable...

They're doing this deal at the moment where you get 13% off if you have a confirmed place at uni, so I'm getting like a £100 discount =D plus you get an iPod touch for £20 through the same deal. YAY I just sounded like an advert.

Thanks everyone for the tips on the letter. I addressed it to Ms. ----- and my step mum helped me write out a formal cover letter so it looks really good. Slowly starting to get used to the whole "formal" thing... though I have to order a gown soon, and that's gonna be a bit far I think. Gown as in Harry Potter style robes...

I said I'd post a "ribs" photo when I got to 100 followers, so there it is. Soo need to work on my tummy, aaa! But there's the starting point :) it's really reminding me of how many sit ups I need to be doing... and blame xthinforever for the jigsaw pieces. It was her fault :)

Let me know how you're all doing, and let me know if you're doing a ribs photo too. I wanna see who else is being brave :P. Thinking thin (and MAC! =D ) xx

One last thing... tell me what song you're listening to right now, or start up itunes and pick one to recommend. I want new music, and I want to know if my followers have good taste... ^_^

Monday, 24 August 2009


I'm fasting today. I've a feeling it won't be difficult. Don't know how long I want to fast for. If I end up eating I'll make sure I keep it below 500 for the second day of ABC.

Being skinny will obviously not make anything easier, but it's something to focus on. If I'm thinking about not eating all day I won't be able to think about anything else.

Thank you for all the comments. I really appreciated them. I know everyone has something like this in life. It's shit for all of us so I won't feel sorry for myself. Just keep going til it's forgotten about.

I started exercising again last night. It really helps to avoid eating. When you feel how sore it is to work the calories off you know that eating that unnecessary snack is just not worth it. I only got 70 sit ups done before all the stuff last night happened, but it's a start.

Got my reading lists from Cambridge this morning. I have to email my director of studies telling her what papers I want to study this year. I like the sound of French Literature and German History and Thought since 1750 so I think that's what I'll be doing. Anyone got any tips on writing formal emails? She used "Dear" and my first name to start it off, and seems really friendly, told me not to hesitate to ask her if I needed anything, and I think she's only the Director of Studies for a small number of students, so I'm not sure whether to use her first name or call her Ms. ------.

Hope everyone's having a good day. Thanks for the support again. xx

Sunday, 23 August 2009

Last night, my dad woke me up at 1am, drunk.
This morning, my mum vacuumed for an hour so I wouldn't hear her crying.
Today was the anniversary of my little brother's death.
Tonight, I found out that a friend from school has died in a car crash.

I don't give a fuck anymore.

Saturday, 22 August 2009


I'm starving. I don't know how to eat anymore. When I do eat, I try to do it as quickly as possible. Gulp food without chewing so it doesn't feel like eating. I don't really enjoy it anymore. It's mechanical, not a pleasure like it used to be. I feel sick after almost every meal and have to struggle not to throw up. I refuse to throw up. I'm terrified of it for no reason other than I hate how it feels.

The problem then is that I'm going out for a meal with friends tonight, which will probably involve starter and dessert as well as main. I'm eating with people who range from about a UK size 8 to a size 18, so I'll be somewhere in the middle. Since I've started losing weight, I've been so much more aware of their sizes. Sometimes I wish I could work out an excuse to check the label of their clothes to see if they're bigger or smaller than me... cos I've really no idea of where I am. My mum always made me buy clothes that were far too big for me (before I was able to buy them with my own money) so I had no idea what my actual size was. In the last while people have started calling me slim, but I still don't know HOW slim. How I actually look :S what if they're just being nice... ?

The solution is clearly that I need to lose more. Enough until I can say that I AM skinny without the slightest doubt. I am wearing shorts now though, so I guess that's progress. I can't wait to go for some shopping next week. Going to the city where I'll be trying on some smaller sizes again to finally work out where I am. Then I can work out my next weight loss goal. As for today, I'm gonna try get over an hour of exercise in to make up slightly for the meal later. Diet starts in earnest again tomorrow. Anyone have any ideas? 5 bites, ABC, fast? Might let my followers decide... almost 100 of you now! Thanks everyone for the support. Hope you're all having good days. Keep updating me :) Thinking thin. xx

EDIT: Starting ABC with Ana's Girl on Sunday, so 500 cals for the first day :). You're free to join us if you want, just let me know!

Friday, 21 August 2009


New shirt makes me happy < keepin' it green to retain some national pride after having been accepted to an English uni :P

Thank you all for the lovely comments on my last post ^_^ I'm still just so so happy about it all. Thinking about how long I've wanted it... working so hard for 4 years and putting so much effort and worry into the interviews and exams... and it paid off! It feels an absolute honour to be part of it and I honestly just feel so much more secure with life now. Cambridge has felt like home ever since I spent time there for the interviews. There is a higher rate of EDs at there than at most other unis too. Everyone pushes themselves to be the best they can in every way. At Cambridge I will be normal, not the guy with 4As and a tendency to skip meals... I can't wait.

I need to take time to reply to your lovely comments. Firstly, someone posted anonymously; if you're worried about starting your own blog I'd encourage you to do it :) you don't have to put a name up and there's no way anyone can identify you if you limit how much personal stuff you post. I don't believe there's any chance anyone I know could find this. But yeah, I appreciate the comment and thank you for reading :) it would be nice to be able to comment and support you in return though!

Thanks for all the congratulations and hugs and the offers to buy me a drink too ;) haha and WELL DONE to Hanz who got AAA and got into her university too =D!

For anyone who asked about the course I'm doing, it starts in the first week of October and I won't post details about the course because that would narrow me down to about 50 people.. haha. It's a fantastic course though. Something I really enjoy and am really looking forward to. Work is a whole lot easier when you're passionate about it.

Cassi is a new blogger who commented for the first time yesterday. She has such a nice writing style and seems super sweet. Cassi, I tried to comment on your blog to tell you that, but it won't let me! The advert at the bottom covers the tab where you put the security word in... if anyone else can work out how to do it, leave a comment on my behalf or let me know haha.

She talked about "finally having the courage to post a comment" on my blog. I hope no one else is hesitating! I love comments and it's the only way to get yourself noticed here :) I want to be able to see how you're all getting on!

To make yesterday even better, I felt thin. First time ever, I think. I got so many compliments and had the word "slim" applied to me. Never before haha. My French teacher said I looked like "a new man" which was great to hear. We got our school hoodies too. 2 months ago I ordered a small size, which I was nowhere near fitting into, but I was determined to get there. It now fits me perfectly :)

So today, I'm still on a high which I can imagine lasting for some time. I've got so much to do (forms, i hate forms) but I'm not stressing out about it! Not yet anyway.. haha. It's my cousins' birthday tonight (a different cousin to the one in previous posts) so I'll be going to that with the whole family. If you're a new reader and read a few posts back you'll understand why tonight will be very interesting... they reacted awfully to my sexuality, but they were full of congratulations about my exam results. We'll see which wins over tonight, prejudice or pride.

Might get a 60 cal yogurt for breakfast to start my metabolism and stop my stomach rumbling through the photographs which are being taken (for the paper, omg D: ) at 1pm, then I'm not eating anything until the party. 500 cals is my limit for today. Can't exercise as there are a lot of people at home at the minute, but I will as soon as I can.

Hope everyone's having a good day! Let me know. Thinking thin :] xx

Thursday, 20 August 2009


AAAA + I'm going to Cambridge!





I got FULL MARKS in 2 subjects! whaaaaaa


"omg you're looking so good!"
"wow you look so slim!"
"you look like a new man!"

:D :D :D !!!!

Tuesday, 18 August 2009

Pre Results Post

So here's what I'm planning on wearing for results day. I said a few posts ago that I wanted something white when I'm thinner, so this is a first attempt :) tried it on this morning so I could show you all before. I think this will be my last post before then, so I should be updating some time on Friday, once I've recovered from my hangover and managed to find my way home...

I'm bound to have put on weight by the end of the week. Going out shopping tomorrow with a friend who I know will insist on getting Subway for lunch with a take away meal for dinner and ice cream in between if she can manage it... and going out to the cinema the night after... and drinking a considerable amount of calories on Thursday night if all goes to plan. So this week is an official holiday from weight loss :P I've been managing to maintain this weight for a few days so I'm really pleased with that. Still need to lose more though, and I'm afraid of getting complacent. Another 10lbs should do for now. I'll see what I'm like at that weight and then decide.

Once I get my results I'm starting into the exercise plan I've set out. Running, aerobics, weights. I was seriously into it in June and the weight dropped off so quickly, so I'm excited about starting that again. I've also got my eyes on a new diet which Victoria pointed out to me. It sounds fantastic (and it's working for her) so I'll be shopping for that soon. Thank you! She's new and super sweet btw, so you should check her out and support if you've time :)

Buy a Wii. Buy Wii Sport. Box. I never realised how great a work out boxing is. On the Wii it doesn't let you stop until you've knocked the other person out, so you can't go easy on yourself and take a rest, as you have an active opponent trying to knock you out at the same time. When your opponent is your skinny little sister who has an apparently endless source of energy and is actually giggling at your struggles, there's a hell of a lot of motivation to keep going...

EXAM RESULTS ON THURSDAY. I have an offer from Cambridge (for new followers who haven't read back.) If I get AAA I get in. I'm scared, but I think most people are too. Can't wait to know. Thinking about it has actually scared me so much that I've lost the ability to keep writing...

Hope everyone's having good days and keeping healthy. Let me know how you're getting on, as per :) I'll be back soon with news! xx

Sunday, 16 August 2009


Photo taken 2 weeks ago (and about 7lbs ago), at a costume fitting for A Streetcar Named Desire. I'm playing Stanley, a really masculine, harsh, sexual character. I love him (he's not nice, but so interesting) and can't wait to get into it. Loving the 50's hairdo. I don't think we should restrict ourselves to dressing how our society at the moment prefers... so I'm totally going out looking like this soon haha. I also think it's really funny that, after finding out I'm gay and rejecting me for it, my family are going to see me play the most heterosexual character ever. The clothes are still way too big to me, even though those were the smallest they had to suit the character. It's my own fault though, the costume department had no idea I was going on a weight loss quest... if anyone's interested in what the character is like, here's a clip from the Marlon Brando version :] he takes his shirt off around 1:15 I think... SO glad I'm 30lbs lighter now! haha. Gonna be concentrating on weights and push ups for my arms and chest til then (performances in late september, script already learnt because I love the play.)

Basically all else that's on my mind at the minute is exam results on Thursday. I'm fasting today (Sunday, 7am til Monday 7am) to see how that goes, and I'll decide my plan for the next few days up til results day after then. I'm excited and nervous and tense and scared and lots of emotions bundled into one. I'll see if that keeps my mind too busy for food. Hopefully it does.

Planning a trip to the city on Monday for some pure shopping, the first time since my weight loss. I'm so excited at the prospect of going into popular shops and buying SMALL sizes. A lot smaller than I used to buy anyway. I also really want to treat myself to something expensive. I've never done it before and I think I've earned it now. Something to keep me occupied with until results day anyway. I'm thinking of some Kurt Geiger shoes. Yummm. I've got £100 left in my bank account and I'm planning on spending it :] I'll hopefully manage to get £150 of the money my friend owes me on Monday morning so more for treats :]! The problem with buying clothes atm is that I'm still losing weight, so I don't want to spend money on clothes that aren't going to fit me in a month's time. It's happened with a shirt I bought in June that I really like... it looks huge on me now!

Thanks for all your lovely comments on my last post :) support means so much and if you're looking an update... I've not spoken to any of my family (apart from a few words to my mum as we live in the same house) since that day. They're all back in from the beach appartment and living within 5 miles of me again, though, so I won't be able to avoid them for too long. There's a family party on Friday for another cousin's birthday and (if I'm actually invited) I'll have to go to that. I would get depressed about it but, fuck it, I love a good fight. I'll be lovely and polite to everyone, but if anyone is rude to me it's only fair that I be rude back. "Treat others as you wish to be treated" is, after all, one of their Christian principles. :P

Thinking positive :) xx

Thursday, 13 August 2009


I had the most awful day today. We were at my aunt and uncle's holiday appartment. I was getting lots of attention because I was full of stories from holidays and my relatives kept commenting on how much weight I'd lost. My cousin didn't like it. He's put on more than I've lost, and has such a pot belly now. We went to buy some winter coats in the sale in town and both tried on the same size. It was too roomy on me so I bought a size lower, but it wouldn't zip up on him at all so he had to size up. It was really obvious too, right in the middle of the shop. The first time I've ever been smaller than him. He's always enjoyed making me feel inferior, putting me down at every opportunity. This time, I was winning.

He put a stop to it by announcing my sexuality to all of my relatives. So I had to sit through a lecture from my aunt telling me what an awful person I am. How I'm a disgrace and have disappointed everyone. I should be ashamed of myself, apparently. My mum was there and didn't even defend me. "I hoped he wouldn't get into things like this." More disapproving looks, insulting comments, while I just sat there trying so hard not to cry. They even took the opportunity to have a go at my dad. Apparently I'm betraying the family by keeping in contact with him. They're Christians, and claim to be good people, yet i've never felt so attacked, so victimised, and by people who should be taking care of me. That's about 15 members of the family who are guaranteed never to look at me in the same way again, I doubt I'll hear another word from them. I'm out of the family. It's just me and my dad now, but I don't even live with him.

That's part of the reason why I'm awake at 8am and writing this. I'm staying awake all night and morning so I can sleep during the day and avoid contact with any of them. Yesterday was a bad day for eating. They treated me like such a child, wouldn't even let me order for myself. I was just so fed up and drained by the whole day that I let it go. Today will be different. I have a fruit based diet planned out for the day which should be easy to stick to, in my current mood at least. Such a "fuck my life" mood that I don't want to eat in the slightest. Sorry that I haven't kept up with blogs recently. Life has just been taking over. I'll get to them as soon as poss.

Hopefully still getting a new laptop soon so that's something to look forward to. Also, Results Day is now only 1 week away. 7 days. Excited, nervous, exhausted. Need sleep very very soon.

Thanks for all the lovely lovely comments on my last post. You're all far too kind and I appreciated every one of them :) I should point out again (as some people weren't sure last time) that the photo in this post is me. Me exhausted and about to fall asleep right there, with arms that need a serious workout. Welcomes to the new followers too. Feel free to comment even if you haven't before! How's everyone's day going? Hope you've got positive news. If you haven't, tomorrow is another day. Just keep swimming xx

Tuesday, 11 August 2009

Before and After Pics & SINGING!

So that's me <<<<< :) Just a little sneak peak of how far I've come. Total lost so far: 31lbs. I'm pretty proud but I know I've a while to go yet. This post is just to show that I'm on my way! Oh, 31lbs and a major hair makeover. I just was not working the black... plus a bit of my French tan is left =D WOOP. I'm starting to notice the difference now :)

Today is EXERCISE day. Aerobics and as much movement as possible. Going out for an hour long walk tonight too with a friend. Thank fuck I'm not the only insomniac around here.

9 days til results day! WAAAAAA. Can I lose 5lbs in that time? That's my goal for now. I've lost all the chubchub from around my face but I'd still love a bt more off my stomach. Crunches and sit ups to be done tonight for some toning. If anyone has any tips they'd like to share, feel free!

Ok so this is a bit of a busy post so I'll just get on with it...

So here's the video. This was me, 31lbs ago. I'm not proud of how I looked, but I'm proud of how far I've come. Our whole family had a take out today, which I couldn't avoid. That's 600 cals damage as I didn't finish my meal and kept to diet drinks. I can burn that off in 2 hours or so and I'm getting on to that now. 15 mins done already :) hope everyone's having a good day. I'm not a great singer/pianist btw! BE NICE :P It was just a bit of fun and I thought it would be a good way to record my weight before starting this blog. So this is my before. The old Fat Me is now my own reverse thinspo =D

Any thoughts? Hope everyone's having a good day :] let me knoww! Thinking THINNER xx

I survived!

So the dentist was lovely. He couldn't find a thing wrong with my teeth, so the last dentist had me panicking for nothing. After I got over being cross about all the worry he'd put me through, I just cheered up about the fact that I still have all my teeth! *toothy grin* It also made me really glad that I'm no where near being Mia... not gonna damage my teeth because of my issues.

So I haven't done this whole calorie listing thing in a while...

Breakfast: 1 packet of Snackajacks (low fat crisps) : 100 cals
Lunch: Granola bar : 200 cals (shouldn't have had that but it may have helped me avoid a binge)
Dinner: 1 + 1/4 slices of brown bread + lean chicken : 200 cals
Midnight snack: 1 Starburst chew sweet: 20 cals

Total intake: 520 cals
Attitude: pleased. at least a 1000 cal deficit today.

Such bad hunger pangs tonight. I'm taking a positive attitude about it though. Hopefully these mean that I'll be 1lb lighter in the morning. That would make me so happy and give me such a good start to the day. I'm trying not to give in to snacking by looking at xthinforever's latest post of thinspo. It's such a good collection and has been SUCH a help so far. I'm not going to give in. Tomorrow night I'll let myself be weak and take a small snack, but tonight I won't. I wonder if I'm awake long enough, will the hunger pangs just pass? I'll make tonight an experiment.

Comments suggest that you DO want to hear me sing. I shall be posting it tomorrow. Prepare your poor wee ears! :P

So tomorrow I'm feeling like having a 300 cal day. I can't remember if I've anything planned... but everyone's away at work from 10 am so I have plenty of time to exercise if I want. There seem to be plans to get a chinese though, which I won't be able to get out of if it happens. There will definitely be fast food on the days before results day. On the 19th they've planned to take a bus up to this massive club in the city... With more alcohol than Ireland has ever seen before. Gonna have to do some super restricting to make up for that in advance...

I'm starting to see ribs! :D I CANT WAIT. I'm the lowest weight now that I've ever been aware of. Starting to feel that my effort is finally showing results. I've been looking at my before photos and how I look now and I hope there's a good difference. I think there is. I know now what my goal is. I want to lose 30lbs more, so I'm half way there. :) I am however really FUCKING FED UP OF THIS BLOODY PLATEAU. :) Hope you're all having good days. Stay strong, keep focused, think thin. xx

Monday, 10 August 2009


I have to go to the dentist tomorrow. :( Might be getting a tooth out, or getting one treated. Not sure what the second option involves but they both sound painful. I'm so so scared of the dentist! I had a traumatic experience with one when I was small. Was getting a tooth out and they went to put that mask over my face so I could breathe in the anesthetic to knock me out, but they didn't explain what they were doing. I just knew that I couldn't breathe and panicked so so much. It was terrifying. Two nurses pinning my arms down to my side while the dentist forced that mask on to my face...

So yeah, I'm obviously shittin myself about tomorrow... I know it's not that bad and I'm making a fuss but yeah. Bad times.

On the good times side, I'll have a full excuse not to eat tomorrow for mum. "I was at the dentist, I can't eat." etc etc


I made a video of me playing piano and singing Poker Face when I had the idea of making a blog. That was about... 30lbs ago (I lost 5lbs before, but so slowly that I'm not counting it as part of the weight loss for this blog.)

So in other words, does anyone wanna see Fat Me sing? hahaha

Thinking thin (when I'm not thinking IT'S RESULTS DAY IN 10 DAYS)

Sunday, 9 August 2009

Back Better.

Yesterday was awful. I wrote a long post about it but deleted it because I didn't want to share my depression. I really need to thank xthinforever. She was really great, there for me when I needed someone to talk to and cheered me up a serious amount. If you're not following her, do so please. She's such a sweet person, and so much fun and super supportive. Bitch has like 6 more followers than me. She deserves it though :] Thank you so much to those who made comments on my lack of posting/my deleted post. I appreciate it a lot :) sorry I haven't been able to comment on your blogs as much in the last few days. I just hadn't the headspace to deal with it. I'm back now though so things should be back to normal soon I hope.

I'm so glad yesterday is over. I ate so much. Comfort food I suppose. It's over now though and I'm feeling positive again. Just weighed myself and the comfort food hasn't shown on the scales. I've maintained my weight so I'm excited about starting losing again.

I decided that today is going to be a fast day. We have no nice drinks in the house though, so I'm going to go for a walk into town to buy something low cal or some bottled water. I don't know how I'll get around not eating a meal though, as mum is here all day. Possibly just gonna have to ask for someting that I can easily throw out. Or I could pull the whole "I ate so much last night... I feel so sick today" trick. That reminds me; someone in my little sister's class at school has swine flu... So if I fuck off for a few days, assume I'm pigging it up somewhere too..

I'm having an anti thigh night. Sitting in my pjs (boxers and a sleeveless tshirt thing tonight... don't get excited) looking at my legs. Yuckkk. I want them SLIM. Slim and toned. Gonna try get some running in tomorrow. I went for a walk tonight for an hour to clear my head. I got SO many looks from the few cars that passed as I was wandering around on my own at like 2am... I'm going to be the subject of so much gossip in the morning I bet :P

OOOH. I saw someone today who completely didn't recognise me! "And who's this lovely young man you're with?!" they said to my friend :] this was a woman who has known me for 2 years but hadn't seen me since I started losing weight. Apparently 25lbs makes a hell of a lot of difference...

SO did anyone recognise me in the top photo? Hahaha... kept it purposefully blurry :P proper photos to be posted after a few more lbs and before my results day! Hope you're all doing well. comment comment let me knowww :] fasting today. 3 hours into it and feeling good! Thinking thin xx

Thursday, 6 August 2009


Oh my god. I'm SO excited. I just got an invite to a massssive fashion thing that I'm SO SO SO excited about. OMG. OMG. I HAVE to be skinny for it. HAVE TO. EEEE I'm so excited! This was JUST what I needed. Fuck snacks, fuck comfort food, fuck weakness. EVERY. CALORIE. COUNTS. I'm going to do this, I don't give a shit how much it hurts. I will be skinny and I will look fucking good for it. I guess this means I'm pro ana for two weeks. I've never, ever been that. It's always scared me but then... I do love a challenge. For the next two weeks Snacking is Sin. Skinny is God.

WOWOW It's so weird to have something else to aim for other than results day!! Now I know I HAVE to achieve. EEEEEE hhehehehehe. I want a 2000 cal deficit per day, which means at least 2 hours of exercise. I'm going to do my first hour around 9am this morning and my second at midday, instead of a meal. I'm having one meal per day. 300 cals of pasta/sauce (small portion). Then I'm loooking forward to hunger pangs in the evening. I want to test myself, push myself. Being thin is a prize, not something I'm gonna get by being lazy. I have to work. We have to suffer.

So I'm also going to see some family members I haven't seen in ages (including the cousin who recently put on about 20lbs apparently...) in their apartment at the beach so that'll be interesting. Sort of a practice for seeing my classmates on Results Day. I hope they notice!! I'm wearing my best fitting top, in white (wow - new confidence?) with my smallest pair of jeans, 2 sizes lower than when I started. They're now the only pair I have left that fit me! It's great but seriously... what the fuck am I going to wear now? lmao. Planning a bit of a day out shopping with my dad obviously...

My dad's great by the way. Little interval here haha. He's so supportive of everything I do. Really kind and generous and funny. Everyone loves him. He's always there, willing to drive 100 miles to pick me up if I've missed a bus home, always willing to take an hour out of his schedule to talk to me if I have a problem. We have such a good sense of humour together. He'll constantly make fun of me and I do the same to him. Luckily we're equally matched so it goes on all day and no one ever wins. When it matters though, he knows how to be serious. He knows when to stop and tell me that he's proud of me and that he loves me. I love him too.

Excuse me ^_^ so yeah, 300 cals at most tomorrow with the little bit of pasta to keep my mum happy. I'm now looking up some thinspiration on youtube to pull out at any point during the day in which I'm tempted to binge. I also have some thinspo photos to share with you. I'll probably end up putting them throughout this post. The guy is my main thinspo. I think he looks amazing. The worst thing is - I KNOW HIM. He lives just a short train ride from me... completely stands out in his area. It's not a very fashionable part of the country, yet he looks like THAT. All eyes on him wherever he goes. I want to be like that, this time because I'm the pretty, skinny one, not the fatty that people stare at. Yuck. THINSPO =D I really want to print some of this out. I think I could get away with it too because most of it is quite arty...

Thanks everyone for the input on the guy situation in my last post. You all seemed to come to the same conclusion which confirmed what I thought. I should get the opportunity to speak to him on the day but I just might not bother. He missed his chance and he will have to stick that. I will, however, conveniently stand close enough to him so he can fully appreciate the new me... and regret his decision. ^_^

Hehehehehe I'm in such a good mood! I'm not sleeping today. It's 4am and I'm simply too excited to go to bed. I'll be up all morning looking at thinspo and planning my outfit for the fashion thing (details to come in a later post) and perhaps kicking out some exercise =D Is anyone else having a fantastic day? Let's share some positive stories today! Your proudest moment of your weight loss, your aims and goals and rewards, new confidence, new outfits, new compliments, anything :D

PS. What are your thoughts on the new header at the top of my blog? I wasn't sure. Felt like a wee bit of colour :] I'll return to the old photo if you like. Advice, input! :D THINKING THIN AND RIDICULOUSLY HAPPY :D xx!

Learning Curve & Sexual Tension

I almost fainted in town today, ironically in the middle of shopping for food that I hadn't planned to eat. I had to eat something. I don't get a kick out of feeling faint and I get the most excruciating migraines. It's just not worth it. So I had a pasta meal, but could not finish the portion. It seemed absolutely huge to me but my mum kept insisting that it was normal (I checked the packet and it was, indeed, only enough for 1 serving.)

So after the almost fainting thing and the threat of a headache coming on, I had a "normal" eating day, eating a dessert after the pasta dinner. I figured that I've done well enough with losing the last 5lbs in such a short period, and that my body should have a normal eating day to settle it again, so my body wouldn't be under too much stress. Not sure if that makes sense but it seemed to at the time. I also just wanted a break. Losing over 20lbs took a lot of determination, and if I'm going to continue this I don't want to wear myself out so much that I want to quit.

I AM going to continue this. I was so close to giving up earlier but then I thought it through. The reason I'm feeling so ill is because I was so fat. I deserve this for being so greedy in the past. For shoveling food into me with no thought of what I was doing to my body. For being so unaware of myself and how others perceive me. I need to go through this to finally reach a healthy weight. One that's good for my body and my mind. I want to feel good. Confidence is inextricably linked to body image for me. While I try to get to know people before making a judgement on them, I know it's not always so easy. Every day we're forced to develop opinions on people in very short periods of time, and first impressions mean more than I would like. I'm already starting to feel happier with how I look, but I know that with 10lbs more lost, I'll be even more content.

here comes the gossipy sexual tension bit...

2 weeks left til results day. I want to have lost as much weight as possible, and I'm going to give it as much as I can. I'm in a very stable relationship (thought I will not to talk about it in my blog, to respect the privacy of my other half) so when I talk about the guy at school I want to impress, you know I don't want "anything" to come from it. He's an academic rival but there was always a tension between us before I got into a relationship. He's so obviously gay but has not come out yet. He was always playing those childish little games that people do in school when they fancy each other. He'd walk up to someone I was talking to and begin talking to them, making sure he got my attention yet not speaking to me. Making jokes really loudly when I came near. Awkward smiles in the corridor. He almost never spoke to me but I was told on various occasions of him starting conversations about me with other people, asking about random things about me. We spent one day together when he signed up for a university open day that only I was going to, out of the entire year group. He made such an effort. Made jokes, kept up interesting conversation, pointed out things that he thought I would be interested in, even poured me a drink at the table (at which he kept me a seat) and waited with me, without me asking, to make sure I got a lift home safely.

I went home from that feeling excited about this new friendship and what it could lead to (he IS really hot... captain of the sports teams and all that...) but the next day he completely blanked me. It was as if we'd never spoken and the weekend after that I hear he's going out with the bimbo of the year group. I don't know - maybe he wasn't interested in me really, maybe he was just trying to cover his feelings (and sexuality) by going out with the most obvious target (sports captain + bimbo = classic combo, yeah? ... he's never had a girlfriend as far as I know, and turned down really pretty girls in the past) or... well I'm not sure. Throw me a theory if you'd like.

I questioned myself as much as him after that day. Regardless of what was going on in his head, he fucked me over. Led me on and dropped me for the school bike. His mistake, his loss. I want to look fucking fantastic next time he sees me just to rub that in a little bit more and to prove to myself that it WAS his loss and that I'm not just trying to make myself feel better.

Aw I feel like I've mentally purged. Thanks guys for listening to all that. It feels so good to be able to vent. If anyone needs to do the same feel free to leave a comment and I'll listen in return :) It was so good to get comments from some new bloggers as well as my good friends :) Rena, I can't view your blog by the way, it says I need an invite. A few of you mentioned my thinspo in the last post. The first guy looks like an angel I think. Tall and elegant and beautiful. I hope someday I could look something close to that. It's a dream. As far as photos of me are concerned, I'll be posting the old photos again for anyone who missed them, plus my friend (she's into photography) is going to take some of me on the morning before we get our results, so hopefully I'll have lost a fair bit more by then!

So I'm back to the diet tomorrow. 15 bites, as many of them being low cal as possible. I tried on my Results Day outfit today. It's so close to fitting. 5lbs and it should fit really well I think. 10lbs and it should be baggy. I saw the cutest waistcoat in town today, so tempted to treat myself to it. I think that if I reach my goal I'll get it for results day. It's quite casual so I could wear it over a checky shirt or something to smarten it up. I've always wanted one of those but I knew it would look so stupid on Fat Me. I'm going to wait til the last minute and buy one in the smaller size. Eeee more motivation!

Is anyone else treating themselves with something special when they reach their goal(s)? And does anyone have any events coming up that they're preparing for? I know there are a few more waiting for results :) (2 weeks! TWO WEEKS!!) Thinking THIN and sexy ;) xx

PS. Please check out skinnybusiness! She's a new blogger with only one follower so far (meeee) and just left me a super sweet comment. For any of you on ABC, she's just started so pass on your tips and help each other :)

Wednesday, 5 August 2009

Weight Loss!

I can't actually believe this. I weighed myself a few times to make sure.

I've lost 3lbs. THREE POUNDS! :D YESSSS!

No idea how it happened but fuck it feels good. I felt so much better today. I'm starting to think I can see a difference and I was so much more confident in town too. That's 5/15 lbs lost so far. 10 more to go by the 20th of august... eeeee... I'm excited and much more confident now. Even if I don't get the 15... another 5 would be so good. It wasn't so difficult either. I don't feel like I was starving. Hmm. Oh well, no complaints from me lol...

^_^ Thanks everyone for the help with the fast yesterday. It's so good to have one over with, and to get a 3lb loss as a result is great. I'm still not happy with what I've done though. I keep wanting to lose more and forgetting how much I've achieved. I read this on sorry_i_cant_be_perfect's blog and it really helped make things clear...

"When you aim for perfection, you discover it's a moving target. They say that nobody is perfect. Then they tell you practice makes perfect. I wish they'd make up their minds :/ Perfection is achieved, not when there is nothing more to add, but when there is nothing left to take away..."

It's so true. We're chasing after a moving target. It takes the encouraging comments of our followers and friends to help us realise how far we've come. On that note, check out her blog and support! Another new blogger is lovelybones who was encouraged not to binge this morning after reading one comment that I left. We can all help each other and share in our success. Let's be a proper community :) I love finding and following new blogs. I can tell from what I did today that when you've got blogs to read and comments to make it really keeps you focused, out of loyalty and also by keeping your hands busy. Typing has got to be better than eating (and it burns like 100 cals per hour... haha)

How's everyone's days going? Anyone got any weight loss to report? I'd love to hear about it! I wanna know if anyone else is taking the plunge of posting photos too. I've got like 20 new followers since the last time I posted photos... should I post before and afters for those who didn't see or just the afters? I'm not sure I could bear the shame of posting the old one's again...
haha. So I hope you guys remember enough! :P

I'm getting really nervous about my exam results. (Is anyone else?) In a way, I'm so glad I have weight loss to concentrate on. Planning out my days is keeping me occupied and stopping me obsessively trying to work out how I've done... It's 15 days to go! EEEE. There WILL be a party the night before... and hopefully one the night after if all goes well. I remember the rule last year was "1 shot per A". You can get a maximum of 12 As (4 subjects, 3 exam papers for each) so I will hopefully end up getting pretty hammered haha

Skinny people always look elegant when they're drunk though, don't they? Hopefully I'll be one of them by then... lol. Oh yeah, I saw some photos today of some people from school. I always felt so physically inferior to them (they used to tease me about my weight) but it looks like they've done the opposite to me over the summer and put on loads of weight... I'm shocked and feeling a bit more confident about meeting them again on the 20th, especially for the photos haha

Fuck sake. I want to look skinny NOW. Damn impatience. I've never been skinny and it seems so close... I will get there! And I'll learn determination and self control along the way :) good luck with your day everyone. Thinking thin. xx

Tuesday, 4 August 2009

Fast Diary

I'm going to go on a fast. I've never, ever completed one before. I'm not sure why. I'm getting loads of compliments saying how strong I am, so I want to put that to the test. I'm going to use this post as a diary of my first attempt at a fast. I've read blogs where people report if they managed to stick to their fast or not, but I've never read one of a fast in action. So hopefully this will help someone.

Starting right now at 2am, I'm not going to eat a thing until 2am tomorrow. Every time I get tempted to eat I'm going to come on here and write out exactly my thoughts, my reasoning, and ask myself some questions.

1. Why do I want to eat this?
2. Do I NEED to eat this?
3. Is eating this worth being fat?

Then I'm going to look at some thinspo. Would the person in that photo eat this? Is that person stronger than me? Am I really that weak that a chocolate bar can beat me?

It's time to be tough on myself. My body seems to lose weight easily enough so I should make use of that and push myself. 16 days to go. Feel free to leave comments! I'll be updating this all day hopefully so I'll keep refreshing it and you can be part of my thinspiration.

Whilst we're here, check out Brooke. She's a new blogger and we all remember what it was like to think that no one's listening to you. She seems super sweet so give her some support if you can. Also, if you're not already following xmarinesxperfectxprincessx do so. She's been brave enough to post pictures which I really admire, and she's looking good already :) (I can't comment on your blog btw Marines, I've no idea why)

Right, fasting begins then! If anyone's got any tips or success stories let me know! I've already got hiding food down, as I'll be able to get away with "eating" in my room all day, right beside a handy bin. Hope everyone's having successful days. Thinking thin, strong and positive. xx

EDIT 1: 3 hours in and I'm going well haha. No food yet. Off to bed now, and I have to be awake in four hours. After that we are either off to play badminton (yay, fun exercise!) for an hour or so OR i'm going back to bed. Whatever happens, it shouldn't involve food. I'm optimistic. Night all. xx

EDIT 2: Been up since 9am cos people were getting up for work. It's 2pm now. Lunch time, in other words. I managed to avoid breakfast by being really busy but I'm starting to get hungry now. Going through my mind how a few spoonfuls of yogurt wouldn't help, but then I thought that a few spoonfuls every so often is what's making that Results Day outfit too tight. So I'm not going to eat :) 14 hours of fast completed so far.

EDIT 3: Just went into town with my aunt. We went into a newsagents shop which had two walls full of sweets and chocolate. I stared at them for so long. My favourite food was sitting there in a little box, all wrapped up looking amazing. But I avoided it. Looked at it and thought "I'm stronger than this" and walked out. Came back home and mum immediately offered me food. I told her I had an apple for breakfast this morning and had a pastry in town with my aunt. She believed it. 16 hours of fast completed. :)

EDIT 4: It's almost 5pm and I'm getting restless. That period where you're kinda lost for something to do so you immediately turn to food. I'm going to get a book and put the tv on so I'm occupied and don't get tempted to eat :) I saw a really pretty new pen in town today, and I'm going to buy it for myself if I succeed today. Yay for incentives ^_^

EDIT 5: I'm so fucking hungry now... not used to denying myself food like this. Already fantasising about what I'm going to eat at 2am. Haha. (Low cal chocolate mousse btw... keepin it healthy)

EDIT 6: 12:30... 1 and a half hours to go, and I don't even WANT to eat now... I'm just past it.

Monday, 3 August 2009

Old Jeans

Found a pair of old jeans from about 2 years ago. They were my favourite pair for ages but they eventually got too tight and were left in the back of my wardrobe. They're two sizes smaller than what I was wearing at the start of my weight loss and they now fit, and are even a bit baggy! ANND another aunt visited today and told me I look like a model...

Obviously I assume she's just being over complimentary and kind because she's my aunt but I'm all pleased and giddy ^_^ I don't feel like I'm getting particularly thin... but my clothing sizes and relatives are saying otherwise haha.

So it's about 5pm now and I've had 3 bites so far. 12 more for the rest of the day. I'm spending 7 of them on pasta and will leave the rest for half of a low fat mousse tonight.

15 bites is going really well for me I think. The scales this morning told me I've lost another 1lb so that's 2/15 lost so far :) I'm on my way to my goal! I want that guy's arms, collarbones and legs. Yummm.

I'm in such a happy mood today. Going to go for a little walk in the countryside instead of my usual jogging and running indoors. Things seem beautiful today. The air is so clean and fresh and I'm smiling for very little reason. I want to create something. Art. I love seeing beautiful photographs (I'm not a particularly talented photographer, it's just a hobby) and I've always wanted to be one of those people who are comfortable with putting themselves in their photographs. Before, it would have looked awful. Now, I'm getting closer to that confidence.

Thinking thin. Good luck girls xx

Sunday, 2 August 2009

15 Bites Update

It's not an easy diet, especially when you have set meals with family. You need a lot of self control too. Seeing a big plate of food and just stopping after 5 bites is not easy...

but WOW. My appetite has totally gone. 2nd day in and even though mum made a huge sunday dinner this afternoon, I just couldn't eat it. 7 bites (main meal of the day) and I was stuffed. Guess smaller portions are filling me up more quickly now. YES!

I've only been doing it for 1 day so I can't tell you any results yet, but I'll be updating this week so hopefully we'll see changes.

Tips for anyone looking to join me:
1. Make small portions - less temptation.
2. Don't worry about wasting food - it's already been paid for and prepared so the money's been spent already and it can't be used again.
3. Eat slowly, take lots of drinks between bites.
4. Eat near a bin.

The hardest part yesterday was stopping eating when I had a full plate of food left. I ate a few more bites than I should have because I didn't want to throw it all out. Today I'm going to stay near a bin and throw the food out straight away, after eating my 5 bites for that meal.

Is anyone else on any specific diets they'd like to share? I'm going to look at ABC again, although I'm sure 15 bites means taking in a lot less than ABC... I'd like to take on the fast days though. Still have never completed one... but my parents are going on holiday for a week soon so perhaps I'll do it then :)

I'm soooo excited about something I found last night. Shopping on a website I saw this gorgeous leather jacket... £250, would look awful on Fat Me but I think I'd feel so confident in it after losing more weight. It's inspiring me so much. PLUS it only comes in XS or XXS so I NEED to lose weight or I can't get it.

I want that guy's legs. I've never owned a pair of shorts... actually. At least tummies can be covered up, but legs are always on show. If you're wearing baggy jeans it's obvious you're not confident with your legs, and if you're wearing skinnies everyone can see if you're about to bust out of them. I'd also love some white clothes. I've got in my head that white is for skinny people, black is for fatties. Like 90% of my wardrobe was black before weight loss... now it's like 50% colour, so the weight loss is obviously helping my confidence :)

I really want to print out some thinspo now. Make the photos really massive and stick them on my wall, cos they really are beautiful. We'll all be one of them soon. Thinking thin xx

Saturday, 1 August 2009

An Almost Binge

I stopped it. I won.

Earlier on I was bored, I had a little cousin to amuse, I was stressed out, I was hungry, I was moody, I was down. All the ingredients for a super binge. It started. 1 chocolate bar and one MASSIVE helping of guilt, but I didn't want to stop. I started going through all the things in my cupboard in my head. Listing everything, comparing calories, making excuses. "I can have that... it'll only take me another hour of exercise to burn off and I've been good..." "There's no point in eating the low calorie one, I'll only eat more later cos I'm hungry... I'll have the full fat one now..."

But I stopped. 1 chocolate bar. 200 calories. Burnt off already. I'm proud of myself. I slipped but I didn't fall.

THEN, as if to confirm I did well, I got a visit from some family members and the first thing that was said, by my uncle of all people was "You've lost weight!", followed by approving looks from both him and my aunt. I've "slimmed down" and am looking very well, apparently :) an achievement considering that I just ran down the stairs in my pjs...

They asked about my results day, how I'm feeling about it, what my plans are for after it. It got me psyched. I want to succeed. I want to be thin.

I want collar bones and a flat tummy. My tummy has always made me feel uncomfortable with how I look. I want it GONE. Anyone else got a specific area they want banished?

I WILL be thin. And I will be posting pictures here the night before results day to show you. : )


... I have a day to myself! It feels so good not to have anything to plan or go to or be ready for. Today I'm going to relax and treat myself ^_^ not with food obviously, I'm feeling much too good for that. It's the 1st of August, the 1st official day of my 15lb weight loss goal. 15lbs, 20 days, 15 bites per day. I might write out those numbers on my hand to keep myself focused...


Sounds like measurements...

I'm not sure what measurements I'd like to have. I've never ever been happy with my weight, but I've never been self aware enough to do anything about it, until now. Inches don't really mean anything to me because I don't know what say... a 25 inch waist or whatever would look like. So I'm just going by clothing sizes. I bought part of my Results Day outfit yesterday. It's simple, and something that would have looked completely awful on Fat Me 23lbs ago. A navy tshirt in a really thin, light material that is meant to glide off your skin and sit loosely on your frame, flattering a skinny shape. I've got a cardigan in a similar material too. I tried them both on and they feel so comfortable and light, perfect for when I'm all stressed out waiting for the results that day. I bought them a size too small, and I'm determined to fit into them by the 20th. I'm going to hang them out on the handles of my wardrobe so I can see them all day, and remember that I NEED to lose weight to fit into them properly, and to look as good in them as I can.

So the clothes are clearly some positive motivation. Now for some slightly less admirable motivation. I've recently been fighting with a friend. He feels so superior to me, it's really obvious. He thinks he's so much better looking than me (he's seriously SO vain... he won't even smile in photos in case it makes his face look fat), if we're in the street and someone looks over he immediately starts talking about how the person was looking at HIM, it never crosses his mind that they could have been looking at me. I want to change that. I want them to look at me. I want HIM to look at me, and I want to know that I'm too good for him. I feel that, on the inside, I am too good for him (he's rude, arrogant, etc...) but that's not what matters to him. He's superficial and judgmental, so for now I'm going to play on that. I think we're about the same weight now, but it sits much worse on him. He has a beer belly, cos he drinks SO much, whereas alcohol doesn't really show on me (remember the lb I lost despite the vodka shooters... lol) and really short legs, so they look stocky cos of his weight. And fat arms, and bad skin. The only reason he and other people find him attractive is because he spends ages on his appearance. He wears foundation, for fuck sake, and will happily make the entire group of friends late because he wants to straighten his hair to perfection.

So yeah, I hope that doesn't sound nasty. He's been a complete cunt to me recently (he owes me $600... cos I've been kind to him when he was in financial trouble but now he claims to not be able to pay it back yet, YET he's going to buy an apple macbook laptop at $1200 next week...) so I feel justified in having a rant about him. Does anyone have anyone to shout about? Write me a comment about it so I don't feel like I'm the only one that needs to be a bit nasty... haha

Hmm, I have hunger pangs. They don't feel bad. It reminds me of what I'm aiming for.

One last thought. Everyone have a go at this quiz, it tells you what weight you should be, through questions about your lifestyle. Is your result close to your current weight, or maybe your goal weight? I'd love to see everyone's results :]

We shall see :) hope everyone's having successful days! I'm off for breakfast then some blog commenting. Thinking positive xx