Saturday, 22 August 2009

Brink

I'm starving. I don't know how to eat anymore. When I do eat, I try to do it as quickly as possible. Gulp food without chewing so it doesn't feel like eating. I don't really enjoy it anymore. It's mechanical, not a pleasure like it used to be. I feel sick after almost every meal and have to struggle not to throw up. I refuse to throw up. I'm terrified of it for no reason other than I hate how it feels.

The problem then is that I'm going out for a meal with friends tonight, which will probably involve starter and dessert as well as main. I'm eating with people who range from about a UK size 8 to a size 18, so I'll be somewhere in the middle. Since I've started losing weight, I've been so much more aware of their sizes. Sometimes I wish I could work out an excuse to check the label of their clothes to see if they're bigger or smaller than me... cos I've really no idea of where I am. My mum always made me buy clothes that were far too big for me (before I was able to buy them with my own money) so I had no idea what my actual size was. In the last while people have started calling me slim, but I still don't know HOW slim. How I actually look :S what if they're just being nice... ?

The solution is clearly that I need to lose more. Enough until I can say that I AM skinny without the slightest doubt. I am wearing shorts now though, so I guess that's progress. I can't wait to go for some shopping next week. Going to the city where I'll be trying on some smaller sizes again to finally work out where I am. Then I can work out my next weight loss goal. As for today, I'm gonna try get over an hour of exercise in to make up slightly for the meal later. Diet starts in earnest again tomorrow. Anyone have any ideas? 5 bites, ABC, fast? Might let my followers decide... almost 100 of you now! Thanks everyone for the support. Hope you're all having good days. Keep updating me :) Thinking thin. xx

EDIT: Starting ABC with Ana's Girl on Sunday, so 500 cals for the first day :). You're free to join us if you want, just let me know!

14 comments:

  1. Hey, it's great to hear that you're keeping your food down. Throwing up really isn't fun, and is horrible for your teeth. That's what keeps me from Mia anyways.

    As for your slimness, I'd say you look like a size small in North America. I used to work at American Eagles Outfitters, so yeah, you're definitely a small there. Probably a small/medium at American Apparel, but their stuff tends to run a bit small anyways.

    Regardless, I'm not sure where you live, but Canada and DEFINITELY America, you're on the small end.

    As for a diet, I think ABC might be a little too extreme if you're feeling like throwing up after every meal. Perhaps just try a really healthy approach of mostly raw veggies and fruits with a little bit of protein to keep you going? I dunno.

    Stay Strong!
    XOXO
    Rena

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  2. You really do look fantastic, but if you think more weight loss would make you happier, then definately go for it. Nothing is more important than being happy with who you are. You should try the ABC (i worry about you not getting enough with only 5 bites, and how many days would you fast? i don't want you to hurt yourself). I could start it over with you and we could do it together... maybe then i'd quit failing it. I lost 4 inches that week that i was able to stick with it (and i even cheated one day).

    Stay strong, you lovely boy you!

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  3. you are tiny. your thighs look lovely, your collarbone prominent, arms slim...i don't think a single part of you is even NEAR being fat.

    so please, try to see yourself realistically (i know it's hard) before you get trapped in the mindset of nothing being thin enough. this can be very dangerous potentially. especially, too, if you're having a hard time resuming normal eating. i just don't want you to become sincerely ill. you are very thin and oh my god so adorable. is adorable not what you're going for? because you're everything. handsome, cute, fashionable, beautiful...and most noticeably thin.

    take care darling, and i'm sorry for my obnoxious comment. i know most of us aren't aiming for health...myself included. so i am being quite a hypocrite. but a lot of things in your post worried me :/

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  4. UMMMMMMM
    I totally know what you mean by wanting to think of an excuse to check peoples tags LOL. "Oh excuse me, there is something in your buttcrack. Might I get it for you?" LOL. Oh gosh. You are looking wonderful. And you really have nice looking legs! =D What size are those shorts? Maybe it would make you feel better if you are putting pure things in your body to know that GOOD stuff will only come of it because it is good for you and your body needs good things. =D Idk what diet to put you on.

    And ya know, you want to believe them when they say you look slim. But what happens if you did believe them? Youd be like "Oh I am? Okay! =)" Then what? You're done? You know what I mean? Its like this control is an obsession.. Its not going to just leave us like that when we reach our goal. It makes us feel like we have total control of everything. So I think a lot of the times when people say, Oh youre so skinny. Im like.. Yah youre just saying that.. Because what if we finally believed we were actually thin? What would we do then? haha. It's something I thought about. Love ya!

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  5. You are look very very very good and slim and with good clothes.
    Well done on not throwing up, it's not a good place to be and fucks up everything.
    I bet you'll be pleasantly surprised by what size you actually are now when you go shopping. And clothes size is one thing you can trust to know where you are weightwise - they don't want to be nice to you xxx

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  6. Try some anti-acids, like Tums, before or with every meal. That usually keeps me from feeling too queasy. I hate throwing up too... I can't force myself to, and when I get the stomach flu I want to DIE.

    You are looking slim, whatever that means. I've lost meaning of the words "slim" and "thin" and "average". Sizes blur together for me. What does not help at all is that different clothing brands can run smaller or larger than others, so what is the truly correct size anyway?? Smalls and Mediums can become XS so easily, and nothing makes sense....

    The only sizes I truly trust are shoes. Shoes are the same, whether you're fat or thin or in between, and they rarely change. (Except I know of some significant differences in Sketchers and Chuck Taylor's from most other brands, but that's it.) The point of me saying all that, I guess, is that clothing sizes are really hard to guess and not too well-known for being exact and reliable. In case you do get a chance to look at someone's clothing tags. :)

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  7. The 5-bite rule sounds good... especially if you're going to be eating in social situations where you can't control exactly what you eat. (I also look at my food when it arrives, and then make rules like, "2 shrimp, 1 teaspoon of the sauce, and this little pile of pasta here").

    Good luck with your goals and dinner!

    And perhaps you weren't looking for an opinion, but I would describe your build as "slight".

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  8. your actually SLIM!!!! pointless me sayn that though hey? if u lose much more you will have that lollipop look!! i dont know if thats a good or bad thing for u though....

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  9. I think once you do sneak a look at one of your slim friend's size you will realize how absolutely skinny and lovely you look. Those shorts are just adorable I am envious lol, I feel my thighs are bigger :P. Great job on your weight loss and yes after a while I start feeling that sickness as well. Goodluck witht he abc!

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  10. Hey I'm joining in for the abc with u & ana's girl!

    u r soooooooooooo not fat! i think i might just hav a crush on u ;) mwwwaaah!

    <3 Pi

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  11. hmmmm well clothes sizes are different depending on shops...it's really annoying but it's like a marketing thing they do

    so a River Island size 8 is actually a 10 but the shop calls it an 8 so you'll feel better in the smaller size and wear more of their clothes

    whereas a topshop 8 in skinny jeans is more like a 6 because everything at topshop is super small

    so I can be a 6 at river island but an 8 at topshop at the same time because shops do not actually standardise their sizes

    shops that know their target markeyt is bigger will make bigger clothes but call them a smaller size

    so it depends on the shop and the fit of the specific garment

    you just gotta try things on and see

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  12. Thank you for the sweet comment! "Pretty petite waitress" has a nice ring to it hehe :)

    God, I know how you feel about wanting to lose more weight to be absolutely sure that you're thin without asking someone. Except for me, it's 100 pounds. I think, if I'm under 100 pounds then no matter how warped my mind is, I'll know I'm somewhat skinny.

    Anyway, good luck with ABC and everything! :)

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