Thursday, 13 August 2009


I had the most awful day today. We were at my aunt and uncle's holiday appartment. I was getting lots of attention because I was full of stories from holidays and my relatives kept commenting on how much weight I'd lost. My cousin didn't like it. He's put on more than I've lost, and has such a pot belly now. We went to buy some winter coats in the sale in town and both tried on the same size. It was too roomy on me so I bought a size lower, but it wouldn't zip up on him at all so he had to size up. It was really obvious too, right in the middle of the shop. The first time I've ever been smaller than him. He's always enjoyed making me feel inferior, putting me down at every opportunity. This time, I was winning.

He put a stop to it by announcing my sexuality to all of my relatives. So I had to sit through a lecture from my aunt telling me what an awful person I am. How I'm a disgrace and have disappointed everyone. I should be ashamed of myself, apparently. My mum was there and didn't even defend me. "I hoped he wouldn't get into things like this." More disapproving looks, insulting comments, while I just sat there trying so hard not to cry. They even took the opportunity to have a go at my dad. Apparently I'm betraying the family by keeping in contact with him. They're Christians, and claim to be good people, yet i've never felt so attacked, so victimised, and by people who should be taking care of me. That's about 15 members of the family who are guaranteed never to look at me in the same way again, I doubt I'll hear another word from them. I'm out of the family. It's just me and my dad now, but I don't even live with him.

That's part of the reason why I'm awake at 8am and writing this. I'm staying awake all night and morning so I can sleep during the day and avoid contact with any of them. Yesterday was a bad day for eating. They treated me like such a child, wouldn't even let me order for myself. I was just so fed up and drained by the whole day that I let it go. Today will be different. I have a fruit based diet planned out for the day which should be easy to stick to, in my current mood at least. Such a "fuck my life" mood that I don't want to eat in the slightest. Sorry that I haven't kept up with blogs recently. Life has just been taking over. I'll get to them as soon as poss.

Hopefully still getting a new laptop soon so that's something to look forward to. Also, Results Day is now only 1 week away. 7 days. Excited, nervous, exhausted. Need sleep very very soon.

Thanks for all the lovely lovely comments on my last post. You're all far too kind and I appreciated every one of them :) I should point out again (as some people weren't sure last time) that the photo in this post is me. Me exhausted and about to fall asleep right there, with arms that need a serious workout. Welcomes to the new followers too. Feel free to comment even if you haven't before! How's everyone's day going? Hope you've got positive news. If you haven't, tomorrow is another day. Just keep swimming xx


  1. God what bitches. That's awful. Perhaps naively I was under the impression most people could be at least a little tolerant of homosexuality today, but clearly not. That sucks so much for you..
    I think a lot of the time religious people are so much more judgemental of other peoples lifestyle choices than non religious people, even though they claim to be accepting and that.
    'Love thy neighbour as you love yourself, provided that neighbour is exactly the same as you', Matthew 20.

  2. I can't believe what your family did to you!
    I hate people judging you for stupid reasons and for something you can controle.
    Keep strong, don't let those people get to you.
    You're awsome!

  3. That remins me of my Nan. She's a hard out christian and hates me wearing black (well "Emo" clothes) and me being Bi. It sucks super bad. And im moving near her around November which is going to be SO bad. Besides the bad bit at the top my day was good besides my slight OD on caffiene pills. Your photo looks great and I hope everthing ends up working out well for you luv. xo

  4. i want to punch your cousin in the face.
    oh. my. god.
    that made me so angry, that is so personal, its definitely not ok for him to be saying it whenever he feels like it!
    he's just jealous that you're hotter then he is, he cant handle it and he needed to bring you down in some way..
    im so sorry you had to go through with that, must have been a horrible ordeal.
    my family are also extremely religious (well, my mum and extended family, not so much my dad, sister) and contraversial things like this have happened before - divorce, change of religion, etc - it may cause a major uproar for a while, but eventually it will blow over. they are your family and they love you no matter what.. one day they'll show that again.
    wow, this seems like a long comment, but that really made me angry

    hope you're ok

    veryy proud of you with the whole coat thing aswell, that must have felt so good :)


  5. That's unbelievable! I could rave on and on about why that is so unfair at so many levels! All I can say is I'm so sorry for you, hun. But at least you look hot in that coat! You must be stoked about that :)
    All the best! xoxo

  6. i'm so sorry you had to go through that. my family are all christians and they always go on about how gay is against the bible and blah blah blah. heck, i think God wanted everyone to be happy.
    be proud in who you are.
    your cousin is just jelous your skinny and sexy and he's so not!
    about your family, i hope they find a way to accept you just the way you are. trust me they will get over it, they'll realise you are still their flesh and blood and there's nothing they can do to change that.
    show them the bible says, love each other! ;)
    lots of love hunni!

  7. im not the only one who stays up to 8am then
    some one has become rather photogenic :)

    your cousin has some serious jealousy issues
    you have people here who accept you and from past posts seems like you have friends that do
    be proud of your self
    youve lost so much weight damn im proud of you!!!

  8. Oh sweetie, that's awful. I just want to smack your cousin right into next week. What a jerk. He just can't stand not being as hot as you...

    I don't think you're an awful person. In fact, i think you're quite lovely, so don't listen to a word they say. You are who you are, and that's who you were meant to be. Just remember that there are people who love you no matter what. I'm sure your family will get over it eventually, but i still want to punch your cousin for causing you so much trouble.

    You look so thin in the picture! Keep up the good work. *Hugs*

  9. Oh darling I'm so sorry about your family. I know there's nothing of much help that I can really say, but clearly there are so many people that love and accept you for who you are, and I'm sure you will never forget that.
    You're doing so amazingly, much admiration from my end
    Ophelia xx

  10. oh my god honey i am so sorry :(
    i told my mom i was bi like 2 years ago.. and revealed my "secret" religion (im a wiccan) like sometime last year, and thank god she hasnt told anyone else in tha family yet, expecially after being caught with her best friend's daughter (ooo scandal!) and then she found out i had a "black" girlfriend and totally flipped...
    i really wish i could hug you right now.

    and i think you are perfect just the way you are, no matter who you love, because love knows no barriers <3
    and one day i can only hope that you feel as perfect as you already are
    stay strong <333

  11. Oh Poks …
    I am so sorry.
    I am into girls myself and have not told my parents … partly because something like this could have happened.
    Did you know they’d react like this? I don’t know how Christian they are and to be honest I don’t know anything about religion at all and believe me I don’t mean to be rude, but I think that’s just silly, it’s got nothing to do with their reaction. Of course I could easily say “well, that makes them even more of a hypocrite” because they are Christians, but on the other side, for all I care they could have a long white beard and sit up there on a friggin cloud and be god himself. I don’t care. You’re family. And so you’re into guys. So what.
    Hey, they should celebrate you. You can love people, that’s all that it proves, isn’t it? And that is something good.
    I am sorry they kept having a go at you because of something like that.
    But they’ll come back to being normal. They’ll talk to you again. Maybe they’ll even apologize, who knows.
    But your cousin is a right twat isn’t he? Jesus, he sounds like a right arse! So he shouldn’t have eaten so much, maybe he would have fit in the other jacket, = no need to be fucking jealous instead of PROUD of you = no CHILDISH “aw guess who’s into the same sex” speeches. I don’t know your cousin but I don’t like him. At all. Coming out is a very personal thing. I know that. And I know that people have to come out in their OWN time. If they want to come out AT ALL.
    And over the bloody size of a jacket … I mean come on!
    Don’t feel bad, Poks, you hear me?
    You always write these lovely posts and you seem to be such a nice guy, I just want you to be happy :)

  12. Hey.. man i am so sorry to hear that about your family. especially since they're christian. which is why i follow jesus not a religion. i know so many christians that are hypocrites, but remember that it's not just them.. many peopl are hypocritical whether it's a religious issue, racial issue or what ever. i love you, regardless of anything. hope your family comes to their senses soon. much love..

  13. awww
    that is such a good picture. you are really good at photography. that looks like a picture i would find for my thinspo posts. =)

    it will get better, love.
    i told you my opinion on you last night and im sticking to it. you will get through this.. you will always overcome. =)

  14. You have such an awesome enduring spirit(hell I can tell that even from all the way out in western Nebraska) how can anyone down play you like that? Bastards.
    That picture of you is... umm can't find the words... thinspiratious... dark... kind of reminds me of an innocent prisoner locked away after his jackass relatives go all berserk on him for being his awesome self... anyway the picture is pretty amazing.

  15. Wow. There's nothing I hate more than religious hypocrites who are holier-than-thou but say they aren't intolerant.
    Sometimes I wish I was gay just so I could prove how ignorant people are.


    Feel better, hun. You're winning! Keep it up, things will only get better. :)

    P.S. - Love your photo. ^-^

    Wow. I hate when "good Christians" can't manage to also be, y'know, GOOD PEOPLE.
    I'm so sorry about all of this. : (((

  17. people harshly judge and reject what they aren't familiar with. i'm so sorry that your family cant get past that and look at it in a different light. oh and your cousin is a huuuge douche! stay strong, youre never given anything you can't handle.

  18. You are so much better than them.
    It's horrible for you to be stuck with family like that.

    Rise above it, be yourself, stay wonderful
    : )

  19. I'm sorry man, that suckssss =/ Life is a bitch sometimes, but we'll get through, don't worry.
    Oh, and if you want your abs to bleed, check this out

    ps. forgot to mention, you are such a cutie pie =p

  20. Kid, I am so sorry...
    People should not be like that, and especially people who claim to be Christians.

  21. christians are the worst with being gay, pathetic it is. says alot bout thier religion and u know what its their loss, they are losing out on knowing YOU. although knowing that doesnt stop it hurting. it hurts and theres nothing u can change about that, all u can do is control what u can control. im actually bi, so that makes it easy for me. but my family will never know. have tried to tell my mum but she just freaked out and said being bi is worse than just having one prefernce! whatever....

  22. try and remember that you're getting away, when you go to university you won't ecounter prejudice and abuse for being who you are.

    people with love you...we all love your blog because of your personality, not because you lost 30lbs, not because you're getting thin.

    and this photo is really beautiful : )

  23. Here is an amusing article I think you'll get a chuckle from.

  24. That's absolutely ridiculous, I'm so tired of hearing about people who can't get out of the fucking 19th century. Actually, even then they were kind of open-minded. I'm sorry, babe.

    In good news, I see ribs in your picture!!

    Just keep swimming, just keep swimming...

  25. Oh my goodness, it's horrible to hear how your relatives acted on hearing about your sexuality. My sister is gay, we're all christians, or protestants if that's not the same thing but no one would ever say she was a disgrace or that she was going down the wrong path. I don't really know what I should say... at least good you stuck up your cousin .. >:)

  26. Hmm, sounds like you had a stressful day!
    But now worries, I would rather have one person love me than many people like me right? And I am asuming your dad loves you.

    I just started following your blog so I have a lot of catching up to do but I have read some previous posts already and I have to say that you are very interesting.. and beautiful ;)

  27. That was awful of your cousin. I am so sorry that they are not accepting of you =( Why do they not like your father? Does he know you are gay? Honestly and I know this is harsh but if they can't love you for who you are they aren't worth it even if they are family. I hope you feel better and just know that the world is an accepting place and that people do love you. You are an amazing person (from what I can tell) and I hope college life will be an amazing experience for you where you can be surrounded by those who understand and accept you.

  28. UGH ignore the family, I absolutely hate those narrow=minded, judgmental Christian types when the whole point of Christianity is that God judges and then forgives, it is NOT their job to judge!! Thank God I'm an atheist... hehe. And congrats on being smaller than your cousin, that's worth the horrendous abuse afterwards I think. People are commenting more on your loss because it's a shock I think, it draws attention to their weakness and lack of control.

    Best of luck with results, my sister's AS results are out soon. Speaking of my sister, for the first time, we weighed the same last month. She is still thinner, due to a narrower but longer back (I got the legs) but she is still growing and can eat like a horse, so I feel somewhat vindicated. 6 years younger than me and it's taken until she's 17 for us to weigh the same. A sweet moment. Now when I lose a bit more, we'll be able to share all our clothes when I go home to visit, not just half.

  29. I don't know what to say. My friend would say something snarky like "it sucks to be you". Hmm... I can kinda relate to family-not-making-eye-contact, I attempted suicide 2 years ago, and yeah nobody speaks to me anymore. Except, to tell me I'm going to hell! Such wonderful people! They'll either get over themselves or they won't. That's what friends are for...when your family says a big fuckyou.

  30. Oh honey!!!!! I'm so sorry :' ( I can't even begin to imagine what you are going through. I seriously want to kill your cousin! What a bitch! Just because you are thinner than him!? You don't need them anyways. You are too good for them. You are talented, smart, gorgeous, going to an amazing school....really, you don't need their crap. If they can't see what an incredible person you are, it's really their loss for missing out on someone so awesome. <33333 I hope you feel better darling. Just think! Soon you'll be away from them all! And you've come so far <3
    Also, I thought that photo was of a model! No seriously! I thought it was thinspo and I missed the pic of you! :D You are so gorgeous!
    Stay strong and I hope you feel better<3

  31. Nothing makes me quite as rabidly angry as anti-gay sentiment. I wish you well and hope that they all get the stick out of their ass and the stupid out of their heads and you all can reconcile. In the meantime I will be thinking mean, horrible things.

  32. :(
    what your cousin did was so low.
    what an ass.

    I hope your family gets over it and accepts you for who you are.

  33. I understand. I'm into women and as a girl that's not okay in my family's eyes. It really sucks to feel so alone. Just know we are always here for you.