Thursday, 6 August 2009

Learning Curve & Sexual Tension

I almost fainted in town today, ironically in the middle of shopping for food that I hadn't planned to eat. I had to eat something. I don't get a kick out of feeling faint and I get the most excruciating migraines. It's just not worth it. So I had a pasta meal, but could not finish the portion. It seemed absolutely huge to me but my mum kept insisting that it was normal (I checked the packet and it was, indeed, only enough for 1 serving.)

So after the almost fainting thing and the threat of a headache coming on, I had a "normal" eating day, eating a dessert after the pasta dinner. I figured that I've done well enough with losing the last 5lbs in such a short period, and that my body should have a normal eating day to settle it again, so my body wouldn't be under too much stress. Not sure if that makes sense but it seemed to at the time. I also just wanted a break. Losing over 20lbs took a lot of determination, and if I'm going to continue this I don't want to wear myself out so much that I want to quit.

I AM going to continue this. I was so close to giving up earlier but then I thought it through. The reason I'm feeling so ill is because I was so fat. I deserve this for being so greedy in the past. For shoveling food into me with no thought of what I was doing to my body. For being so unaware of myself and how others perceive me. I need to go through this to finally reach a healthy weight. One that's good for my body and my mind. I want to feel good. Confidence is inextricably linked to body image for me. While I try to get to know people before making a judgement on them, I know it's not always so easy. Every day we're forced to develop opinions on people in very short periods of time, and first impressions mean more than I would like. I'm already starting to feel happier with how I look, but I know that with 10lbs more lost, I'll be even more content.



here comes the gossipy sexual tension bit...

2 weeks left til results day. I want to have lost as much weight as possible, and I'm going to give it as much as I can. I'm in a very stable relationship (thought I will not to talk about it in my blog, to respect the privacy of my other half) so when I talk about the guy at school I want to impress, you know I don't want "anything" to come from it. He's an academic rival but there was always a tension between us before I got into a relationship. He's so obviously gay but has not come out yet. He was always playing those childish little games that people do in school when they fancy each other. He'd walk up to someone I was talking to and begin talking to them, making sure he got my attention yet not speaking to me. Making jokes really loudly when I came near. Awkward smiles in the corridor. He almost never spoke to me but I was told on various occasions of him starting conversations about me with other people, asking about random things about me. We spent one day together when he signed up for a university open day that only I was going to, out of the entire year group. He made such an effort. Made jokes, kept up interesting conversation, pointed out things that he thought I would be interested in, even poured me a drink at the table (at which he kept me a seat) and waited with me, without me asking, to make sure I got a lift home safely.

I went home from that feeling excited about this new friendship and what it could lead to (he IS really hot... captain of the sports teams and all that...) but the next day he completely blanked me. It was as if we'd never spoken and the weekend after that I hear he's going out with the bimbo of the year group. I don't know - maybe he wasn't interested in me really, maybe he was just trying to cover his feelings (and sexuality) by going out with the most obvious target (sports captain + bimbo = classic combo, yeah? ... he's never had a girlfriend as far as I know, and turned down really pretty girls in the past) or... well I'm not sure. Throw me a theory if you'd like.

I questioned myself as much as him after that day. Regardless of what was going on in his head, he fucked me over. Led me on and dropped me for the school bike. His mistake, his loss. I want to look fucking fantastic next time he sees me just to rub that in a little bit more and to prove to myself that it WAS his loss and that I'm not just trying to make myself feel better.


Aw I feel like I've mentally purged. Thanks guys for listening to all that. It feels so good to be able to vent. If anyone needs to do the same feel free to leave a comment and I'll listen in return :) It was so good to get comments from some new bloggers as well as my good friends :) Rena, I can't view your blog by the way, it says I need an invite. A few of you mentioned my thinspo in the last post. The first guy looks like an angel I think. Tall and elegant and beautiful. I hope someday I could look something close to that. It's a dream. As far as photos of me are concerned, I'll be posting the old photos again for anyone who missed them, plus my friend (she's into photography) is going to take some of me on the morning before we get our results, so hopefully I'll have lost a fair bit more by then!

So I'm back to the diet tomorrow. 15 bites, as many of them being low cal as possible. I tried on my Results Day outfit today. It's so close to fitting. 5lbs and it should fit really well I think. 10lbs and it should be baggy. I saw the cutest waistcoat in town today, so tempted to treat myself to it. I think that if I reach my goal I'll get it for results day. It's quite casual so I could wear it over a checky shirt or something to smarten it up. I've always wanted one of those but I knew it would look so stupid on Fat Me. I'm going to wait til the last minute and buy one in the smaller size. Eeee more motivation!

Is anyone else treating themselves with something special when they reach their goal(s)? And does anyone have any events coming up that they're preparing for? I know there are a few more waiting for results :) (2 weeks! TWO WEEKS!!) Thinking THIN and sexy ;) xx

PS. Please check out skinnybusiness! She's a new blogger with only one follower so far (meeee) and just left me a super sweet comment. For any of you on ABC, she's just started so pass on your tips and help each other :)

19 comments:

  1. This is officialy one of my favorite blogs now.
    Maybe that guy did/does like you, but one of his friends caught him flirting on you, and made fun of him.
    I love the idea of treating myself to clothes.
    Also the idea of having clothes to small, but next clothes size goal. I have a pair of jeans for my ultate goal size, to match my ultamte goal weight. No way they'll fit me now, but In a few months. :)
    Thanks for being here.

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  2. By the sounds of it, that guy does like you.. Perhaps he's having a hard time figuring out himself? Im guessing thats all it is..
    Im guessing by the time he sees you next, hes going to know exactly what his sexual orientation is ;)
    For every kilo i lose (2.2lbs) i have a list of things i want and i get something from that.. The rewards system is fun, and you really feel as if you're accomplishing something.. Im all for treating myself when i reach goals .. as long as it can never be food related treats, of course :)
    Xx

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  3. Haha thanks for the heads up about my blog. I hope it's working now. Still relatively new to blogger. LOL

    As for the guy. I dunno, seems to me he wanted to get close to you, but isn't really ready to come out yet, so he got scared that people might notice. Therefore, he's trying to cover it up by going out with the bimbo? I dunno. All I know is that when next time he sees you and you're amazingly gorgeous, he'll be kick himself in the derriere. :)

    Yeah, if you're feeling pain and stuff, it's time to have a little treat. Your body has been awesome and lost 5 pounds, it deserves a little reward. Haha Pasta!

    You've inspired my to start something similar to the 15bite diet. I can't go as extreme since my mom would freak out, so I'm settling for something a little easier. 25 bites a day. I plan to cut back gradually so no one really notices. I can't wait until my stomach shrinks so I won't be missing food as much.

    Thanks so much for all the thinspo and encouragement. :) You're the best.

    XOXO
    Rena

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  4. Theory, theory, perhaps he just likes denial.

    I think it's harder to come out as a guy, isn't it?
    Feminists will kill me, but that's one of the multiple advantages of living in a sexist society.
    Girls can like girls because men like girl on girl action, but when it comes to guys there are higher expectations, specially if he's the sports captain.


    So, there's a big chance he's actually interested in you, just trust the gaydar ;P

    --

    It's always good to reward yourself, when I reach the 92 lbs I'll get myself a strapless minidress.
    (Collar bones and shoulders look pretty on me @ 92) and when I hit the 88 lbs I'll get a new tattoo and 2 more piercings n_n

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  5. mmm clothes are the best reward!
    finally fitting perfectly - then going beyond is the most amazing feeling in the world.

    maybe the boy did fancy you, but i hate it when they do that, especially whilst you're attached - it makes life even more complicated
    but then again, he's just another form of motivation.

    you can do it. you're going to look, feel and BE amazing.
    x

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  6. Your blog is unbelievably amazing. Its good that you ate when you started feeling ill. I am feeling that now. Its obvious he is insecure with his sexuality so the only thing you can do is....look HOT! You are doing great, make sure you eat healthy and get vitamins =)

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  7. sometimes "normal" eating days help give you some vital nutrients boost the metabolisn and all that you should be happy that when almost feeling faint you didnt just grab everything in sight and binge to feel better

    x

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  8. Results day, may just be the death of me.

    Treats for goal weigh? Oh yes.
    Piercings. Maybe a tattoo.
    And definately a big shopping spree.
    (Although on holiday now, all I do is shop)

    I had the worst hunger headache last night.
    So I had some dinner.
    But then, (through no fault of my own) got all nauseous and ended up puking.
    -shrug-

    Good luck on the rest of your journey.
    (I'm thinking the 20th is going to be a mega comfort binge day for me)
    Love
    Layla
    x

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  9. Wow, what a story. Guess the boy will feel stupid about himself when you return as the hottest guy in the school :P
    It was smart of you to eat when you felt ill. Better to eat a bit more one day instead of fainting.
    Stay strong!

    <33

    PS: I love you're blog!

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  10. Eating normally for a day was probably a good idea since you were feeling so weak. I'm glad to hear you're taking such good care of yourself and not going overboard with the weight loss.

    I really think it sounds like the guy likes you, but maybe he is afraid of what people would say if they knew he was gay, seeing as he a big shot in the sports world. Either way, he was super-rude to you. Totally rub it in his face when you're extra sexy and he can't have you. Haha.

    You will be gorgeous for the new photos. I'm sure of it. I can't wait to see!!

    As for my motivation/treat, i actually decided that for this time of my ABC i would put aside a little bit of money for every day i successfully completed one of the days. I'm not sure what i'll buy with the money, but it's there and i'll only be able to spend it AFTER i've completed day 50. So far it's keeping me pretty motivated. I'm excited for the shopping spree at the end!

    Stay strong. You're doing so wonderfully. :)

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  11. that boy likes you,
    from past expirience, lol
    i liked this boy in school and i was always so mean to him, saying things like do you wash your hair in a jokey way which he seemed to take seriously.then i'd apologise, we'd start talking again, i'd get scared..and ignore him for days, then one day my friends told me he liked me and i felt so happy.he came up to me and asked me out we went out twice, had a fun time. but then my friends said he was a weirdo..(i didn't see the weirdness.
    being in high school i listened to what everyone else said and started ignoring him again. the boy grew tired of being nice to me and later went out with this girl i hated. i felt so bad, i still liked him,but i'd lost my chance. :(

    that boy in your school needs to act fast, soon you'll be a hottie and every boy will be after you,it'll be his loss.

    goodluck, i know that 10lbs will come off easily! xxxxx

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  12. ps..the publicity worked ;)
    lol
    thankyou
    i owe you one mr.popular
    psssss... have you already posted your before and after pics? i think i missed them :(
    i'm sure you look great though :P

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  13. OMG @ THAT BOY T.T
    you will show him. and yes, he is so obviously not interested in her. i think he realized he was getting to close to what he's still trying to hide, that he had to completely shut off from what he got too close to (you). le sigh.
    COME OUT OF THE DAMN CLOSET OR WHATEVER, K?
    you're gonna look so hot the next time you see him. MMM, hell yeah. :)

    and YES, omg i was so annoyed yesterday when you lost three pounds in one day. PFFFT. im losing at my measly .2 a day. and guys also lose faster so you are like EXTREME competition. AHHH.

    oh p.s. i actually have one more follower than you. :P my bitch is ON. hahaha. XD

    cant wait to see your results day pictures!!!

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  14. "I'm just gonna try to look fantastic on results day for myself"

    I agree.
    In fact, that's the reason I think we should all stick to when losing weight.
    Not to fit some jeans, or to show to those who teased us back in high school, to be praised by people, but to show ourselves we are capable of reaching our goals, to show ourselves we can do fucking everything if we commit to it.

    (Looking lovely on everything and being praised just comes with it)
    : P
    I'm sure you will look fantastic on results day.
    : )

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  15. Well guess what? I'm back too. I can so relate to your post: I could not (and believe me I tried) eat 'normally'. Did not happen. So, I'm back on abc! And boy, does it feel good. (Maybe I do have an ED, but I never admit that I do because I'm too fat??)

    And yes, I am tempted every time to buy myself smaller jeans or one of those super skinny washed-out black denims that look good only if you've gotten mannequin's legs (so sexy). But I figured I will treat myself once I'm in the double digits which should not be too far away now. For now I'm just basking in the glory of wearing my old jeans that were tight on me last year that are BAGGY and require a BELT.. Doesn't it feel oh-so-good??

    (long comment again) but I can't wait for the pics!! That guy sounds like a jerk anyways ;) you are too good for him sweetie!

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  16. I'm so excited for you, about results day and the pics and everything!! You are doing so amazing, I know you'll reach your goal, probably sooner than you think. :)

    That guy. You said he did all that stuff like coming up and talking to people near you, and making loud jokes near you before that one weekend? That girl he's with now, I'm guessing, is just another part of that (to test you and drive you insane), mixed with the fact that he's not out yet, so maybe he is way too insecure?? Well no matter, you are far too good for someone who doesn't care for you enough to just say how they feel. Because from from what it sounded like to me, he definitely had/has a thing for you.

    (Possibly he's bi? Just a little thought, probably not worth typing, but there it is....)

    He will be sooo sorry he didn't open up to you when he had the chance, I can tell.

    PS: Love your blog, looking forward to the pics!! I know you'll be amazing! :)

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  17. I'm going to a Dierks Bentley concert in three weeks. If you don't know him, and a lot of people don't, he's a super hot country singer that mentions little white tanktops in a bunch of his songs. It's a small venue, and I'm sure a bunch of girls are going to wear white tanks, but I plan on wearing one anyway. I bought a small recently because they didn't have a medium, and it almost looks right. So I would definitely like to wear it and look cute!

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  18. I think that guy really did want you, but chickened out at the last moment and tried to cover it up by dating the bimbo. I actually had a girl do that to me once(I'm bi). We were totally flirting and even kissed and talked about going out and then she disappeared for two days and I find out that she's dating this super macho idiot. : /
    He is going to be so sorry he missed out on you!
    I'm so glad you didn't give up! And I think eating normal was probably wise since you almost fainted.
    The only thing I'm working hard for is the start of term in the middle of Sept. I started losing right when the semester ended and I'm so determined to shock everyone the first day!
    Once I get to my goal I'm going to treat myself to a super nice dress from urban outfitters <3

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  19. You'll do so great with 300 Calories today. Stay strong, and keep up the fantastic work. (I've only got so many followers on my blog thanks to you. You were the one who really got me going in the pro ana community. Thanks so much!)

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