I almost fainted in town today, ironically in the middle of shopping for food that I hadn't planned to eat. I had to eat something. I don't get a kick out of feeling faint and I get the most excruciating migraines. It's just not worth it. So I had a pasta meal, but could not finish the portion. It seemed absolutely huge to me but my mum kept insisting that it was normal (I checked the packet and it was, indeed, only enough for 1 serving.)
So after the almost fainting thing and the threat of a headache coming on, I had a "normal" eating day, eating a dessert after the pasta dinner. I figured that I've done well enough with losing the last 5lbs in such a short period, and that my body should have a normal eating day to settle it again, so my body wouldn't be under too much stress. Not sure if that makes sense but it seemed to at the time. I also just wanted a break. Losing over 20lbs took a lot of determination, and if I'm going to continue this I don't want to wear myself out so much that I want to quit.
I AM going to continue this. I was so close to giving up earlier but then I thought it through. The reason I'm feeling so ill is because I was so fat. I deserve this for being so greedy in the past. For shoveling food into me with no thought of what I was doing to my body. For being so unaware of myself and how others perceive me. I need to go through this to finally reach a healthy weight. One that's good for my body and my mind. I want to feel good. Confidence is inextricably linked to body image for me. While I try to get to know people before making a judgement on them, I know it's not always so easy. Every day we're forced to develop opinions on people in very short periods of time, and first impressions mean more than I would like. I'm already starting to feel happier with how I look, but I know that with 10lbs more lost, I'll be even more content.
here comes the gossipy sexual tension bit...
2 weeks left til results day. I want to have lost as much weight as possible, and I'm going to give it as much as I can. I'm in a very stable relationship (thought I will not to talk about it in my blog, to respect the privacy of my other half) so when I talk about the guy at school I want to impress, you know I don't want "anything" to come from it. He's an academic rival but there was always a tension between us before I got into a relationship. He's so obviously gay but has not come out yet. He was always playing those childish little games that people do in school when they fancy each other. He'd walk up to someone I was talking to and begin talking to them, making sure he got my attention yet not speaking to me. Making jokes really loudly when I came near. Awkward smiles in the corridor. He almost never spoke to me but I was told on various occasions of him starting conversations about me with other people, asking about random things about me. We spent one day together when he signed up for a university open day that only I was going to, out of the entire year group. He made such an effort. Made jokes, kept up interesting conversation, pointed out things that he thought I would be interested in, even poured me a drink at the table (at which he kept me a seat) and waited with me, without me asking, to make sure I got a lift home safely.
I went home from that feeling excited about this new friendship and what it could lead to (he IS really hot... captain of the sports teams and all that...) but the next day he completely blanked me. It was as if we'd never spoken and the weekend after that I hear he's going out with the bimbo of the year group. I don't know - maybe he wasn't interested in me really, maybe he was just trying to cover his feelings (and sexuality) by going out with the most obvious target (sports captain + bimbo = classic combo, yeah? ... he's never had a girlfriend as far as I know, and turned down really pretty girls in the past) or... well I'm not sure. Throw me a theory if you'd like.
I questioned myself as much as him after that day. Regardless of what was going on in his head, he fucked me over. Led me on and dropped me for the school bike. His mistake, his loss. I want to look fucking fantastic next time he sees me just to rub that in a little bit more and to prove to myself that it WAS his loss and that I'm not just trying to make myself feel better.
Aw I feel like I've mentally purged. Thanks guys for listening to all that. It feels so good to be able to vent. If anyone needs to do the same feel free to leave a comment and I'll listen in return :) It was so good to get comments from some new bloggers as well as my good friends :) Rena, I can't view your blog by the way, it says I need an invite. A few of you mentioned my thinspo in the last post. The first guy looks like an angel I think. Tall and elegant and beautiful. I hope someday I could look something close to that. It's a dream. As far as photos of me are concerned, I'll be posting the old photos again for anyone who missed them, plus my friend (she's into photography) is going to take some of me on the morning before we get our results, so hopefully I'll have lost a fair bit more by then!
So I'm back to the diet tomorrow. 15 bites, as many of them being low cal as possible. I tried on my Results Day outfit today. It's so close to fitting. 5lbs and it should fit really well I think. 10lbs and it should be baggy. I saw the cutest waistcoat in town today, so tempted to treat myself to it. I think that if I reach my goal I'll get it for results day. It's quite casual so I could wear it over a checky shirt or something to smarten it up. I've always wanted one of those but I knew it would look so stupid on Fat Me. I'm going to wait til the last minute and buy one in the smaller size. Eeee more motivation!
Is anyone else treating themselves with something special when they reach their goal(s)? And does anyone have any events coming up that they're preparing for? I know there are a few more waiting for results :) (2 weeks! TWO WEEKS!!) Thinking THIN and sexy ;) xx
PS. Please check out skinnybusiness! She's a new blogger with only one follower so far (meeee) and just left me a super sweet comment. For any of you on ABC, she's just started so pass on your tips and help each other :)