Friday, 25 September 2009

Pokerface Fasting Club

We're so doing this. Haha. I'm ready for the next fast. Starting right now, at midnight. Fed up of being fat. Aren't we all? I've been eating normally since the last one, but it's really not enough. I want to reach that point where no matter where you pinch on your body, you can't feel fat. I want that so much. I'm writing this now also because I need a break from all the fucking work I've been doing! First performance of the play was tonight. It went great and I got wolf-whistled at... twice haha. Some girls were asking me to sign their programmes (and body parts) afterwards which was quite weird and, fortunately, of no interest to me whatsoever... awkward silences are hard to avoid when a girl asks you for your number and you have to get out of it without going "I'm in theatre, I'm wearing make up, I'm surrounded by girls but I'm not looking down your top... could it be any MORE obvious that I'm gay??"

This make up actually won't come off.

But yeah, I want to be thinner! FUCK if it wasn't for that I'd have such an easier time of it... Imagine being able to wear anything and knowing you look great in it? What would that actually be LIKE?

Oh jesus, I need to tell you all. Has anyone seen Skins? It's a British teen drama, on Channel 4 if you're over here... There's a character in it called Cassie who is anorexic (here's a video of her explaining how she avoids eating meals )but anyway, the point is I just found out that the actress who plays her is going to the same uni as me... so I NEED to cut down. That girl is tiny!

Okay so, I want to do this for 20 hours, then I'll eat something for some energy before the performance, and the same every day. If I can cut down to one meal per day (which I'll burn off on stage) I'll hopefully lose a fair bit by the end of the week. What's everyone else's plan? Are you joining me? Thinking thin. xx

EDIT: Fuck food whatsoever. I just saw a photo of myself on the school site and I feel so so so fat now. I got lazy. I need to fix this and I will.

Tuesday, 22 September 2009

Make your choice. Now.

Girls or boys?
Pepsi or Coke?
Night or morning?
Up or down?
Winter or summer?
Scream or cry?
Wet or dry?
Lose or cheat?
Good or bad?
Sunrise or sunset?
Edward or Jacob?


There's no in between any more. I can't let myself keep saying "I look fine..." because that's not good enough. People don't make history for being "fine". It's perfect or nothing. I've made my decision. I'm not letting myself away with anything anymore. I always talk myself around it. Pathetic reasoning, "I've earned this", "It's only a few extra calories", "I'll do better tomorrow."

Fuck me. Fuck my weakness. Fuck my attitude. Fuck my greed. Fuck my fat thighs. Fuck my fat cheeks. Fuck my fat calves. Fuck my flabby arms. Fuck my bulging stomach. Fuck it all, I want a new body. I want people to stare. I want people to worry. I want people to be shocked but secretly want it too. I will not be normal. I will not settle for "ok" or "fine" or "average". I'm better than that. All of you girls are too.

DECISIONS. Make yours now.

Who had a successful fast? Mine wasn't bad but I gave in afterwards and ate what was given to me. Can't wait to get out of here where my parents won't be forcing food on me. 2 weeks and I'll be in uni. In Cambridge, where everyone is 99% perfect. As a fattie I'll be at the bottom of the heap. 2 weeks to lose... as much as I can. My boyfriend left for uni today. It's depressed me. From my last few posts you'll know how close we are. My best friend for the last 3 years, never gone more than 2 days without speaking. I'm lost without him. I need a focus, and it's now this.

Let's have some thinspo. I want your comments too. Show me your determination. The fasts went so much better when we all worked together. 15
comments on the last post tells me you're in this with me. The reason I've been going easy on myself has a lot to do with my thinspo. I post guys with nice clothes, and I use them to hide behind. I rely on clothes to cover up imperfections. So this weeks thinspo is nudes, or close to that. No covering it up, no hiding from the truth.

It's fat or skinny. One decision. I've made mine.

Sunday, 20 September 2009

Let's Fast and be Pretty

The play starts this week. I'm excited, up late learning my lines whilst everyone else is sleeping. I've got some sexy outfits and my scenes are all passionate and energetic, so it'll be a good bit of emotional purging.

So like I said, let's fast and be pretty. Who's with me? Post your starting time, your reasons for fasting and come back here and update if you slip up. I find it's easier to fast when I know there's someone waiting to see if I succeed. I'm starting at 4:30 am. My excuse which I'll tell my parents for avoiding food is that I've got a sore throat and it hurts to eat (I was out partying a little too hard). I want to lose a few lbs before I get on stage and before I meet new people at uni. Thinking thin. Good luck girls. xx

Friday, 18 September 2009

Adventure :)

That's two posts in a row which have started with ":)". Loving life right now.

Today I had a day off, and spent it with my bf. He drove round to mine and took us to this really calm, peaceful area just next to the river. Heatwave is still going (it's not Aussie heat, but we're enjoying it and my bf is australian anyway :) ) and the sunlight filtering through the trees just made it look so peaceful. We had a little adventure there, walking up tiny little twisting paths in the forest and ducking under branches, holding onto each other in the rocky bits (I trip too often, he knows it...) and then went back to his gloriously empty house where we spent the afternoon making fudge and watching disney movies in his room.

It's really messy at the moment because we're getting ready to move for uni (leaving Ireland in 2 weeks!) We went through all his boxes together and found an old journal of his, from 2005 when he was 15, and found an entry about me in it!! I was so shocked, because I hadn't even talked to him very much back then... but he says he was already falling for me, back then when he wasn't even sure of his sexuality. It was soo sweet.

The day went shockingly quickly, and I had to leave at 9:30pm because of my mum calling and insisting I go home straight away. Bf walked me as far as he could, but stopped just around the corner from her car so she couldn't see. She doesn't know about us so we have to be careful. He pulled me back and ended a great day with a sweet kiss and a too-long hug that showed that neither of us wanted to let go. I was smiling all the way home.

Needless to say, I'm fairly high at the moment. All I'm thinking about is him. He makes me feel so confident and secure. He called me beautiful today at random points when I caught him just looking at me for no reason and smiling to himself. He makes me believe it too. I feel secure with my body now. I wouldn't have felt anywhere near this content 30lbs ago. Now I know he can be proud of me, when the day comes to show the world that we're together. Hope you all reach that point too. It's worth it.

Thank you for the comments, I loved them all, you lovely people. :)

PS. Head bowed in the photo to subtly cover the black eye... which is healing nicely, thanks very much! :) I'll post some more singing soon as it was so sweetly requested! xx

Monday, 14 September 2009

Heatwave :)

I wasn't punched because I did something wrong! Haha. The guy who punched me was REALLY drunk. He'd drank so much vodka (straight, no mixer) and does NOT know how to handle himself. Started rambling "tell me I'm a bad person!" then lashed out at EVERYONE who tried to help him. Guy has issues. He's still, however, a dickhead for drinking so much when he knows it makes him an asshole. My face is okay today. Still sore, more blue and going purple I believe. Got a fair few looks but I wasn't bothered :) and my friend is okay as well. Sore but getting better, just bruised above her jaw on the right side.

The picnic was with my bf. It was lovely. There's a heatwave in Ireland at the moment and it's so so nice. We sat out on the pier at a little secluded lake with a loaf of bread and fed it to the ducks and swans. I threw one bit into the middle of a little crowd of ducks, and one of them actually jumped up to catch it before the others could get to it. It was the cutest thing. Apart from the boy with me of course :) he watched out for the smaller ducks who weren't able to swim fast enough to beat the bigger ducks to the bread, and threw some straight to them so they could eat too. Then we had our own picnic and brought some back to his to watch some dvds. Sat wrapped up warm in his living room with cushions and drinks and the curtains drawn with little warm lights making the room all cosy.

Ah, happy days.

So last night I got punched in the face. As did 2 of my friends, including a girl who got KICKED in the face. Worst thing is, I know the guy who did it. We used to be friends. Today was spent running around trying to sort everyone out whilst the bruise on my face started fully flourishing. It's blue at the moment and is aching. Lots of exercise today though. Running around for 4 hours and skipped a meal as I was too busy. I am going to bed sore but tired enough to sleep really well. Picnic with the boy tomorrow. Such nice weather, tartan blanket and ice cream. Night everyone, hope you're all blemish free. Thinking thin. xx

(Photo: I'm in a gay mood. That's Jack and Ianto. Yum.)

Saturday, 12 September 2009

Thin pls.

So who's flying with me?

I just had lunch. First meal of the day, and hopefully my last. That's my goal for the day anyway. Everyone's at work now and won't be home til 12 midnight, so I'll be able to just jump into bed when they get home and hopefully be really tired (no energy from food, plus I barely slept last night) and fall asleep straight away.

I absolutely hate not sleeping. I wonder if I'm an actual medical insomniac, or if I've just got some sort of psychological thing going on with it. I hate going to bed. Hate lying in the dark doing nothing. It seems like such a waste. I'd say however that it's more of a waste being like a zombie the entire day cos you stayed up til 6am on Facebook...

Sprite Zero and diluted juice to take me through the day.

It's fucking freezing here. We're meant to be in a "heatwave" currently, but I'm sitting in bed wrapped up in a massive hoodie. I've decided for sure that I'm not living here when I'm older. My other half and I want to live in the southern hemisphere, or at least one of the warmer european countries. I want a tan, for christs sake. Pale is often beautiful but for ONCE I want to have a healthy colour! There's my bit of vanity for the day haha

So I've got a lot of my thinspo back. There's one guy in particular who fully makes me ashamed of ever eating. Thanks to the wonder that is Facebook, I've got loads of photos of him and have put them on my desktop for thinspiration. Stalkerrrrr... but whatever works haha

That's going to be my attitude for today. I've had one meal (300 cals), I do not need more. Would he eat? Probably, but he can afford to. Skinny bastard. If I want to look like that, I have to work for it. It should be the easiest work ever - just NOT doing something. Don't eat, get skinny. Simples.

Anyone think I can go the rest of the day without food? Place your bets :P hope you're all doing well, it is great to be back!! Thinking thin xx

Wednesday, 9 September 2009


Update: Life has been shiiit. I've coped though, and proved to myself that I'm pretty fucking strong. Tonight was a shocker, and it's given me all my thinspo back. I've been lazy. Lazy and FAT, but now I'm back in the game.

Avoid Food.
Work as hard as possible.
Sleep through hunger pains.
I need food for energy, yeah? Sleep = rest = renewed energy.

HOW HAVE YOU ALL BEEN DOING? I'm so sorry for being away for so long! I know I posted one or two photos.... but I wasn't blogging properly, just letting you know I was still alive! Life just got awful, then kicked me when I was down. It's probably still going to be hard for a good while, but I'm ready to tackle it, and I hope you guys are still willing to tackle it with me! Please let me know what's been happening with you, even if you haven't commented before. I can't go through my backlog of blogs, but I'll be back into reading now as much as I can.

Missed you all! Soooo good to be back! I'm off for a drink of water and some reading :) take care and THINK THIN. We've done so well but we've got sooo far still to go!


Friday, 4 September 2009

Choose your poison. Get your kicks from life, not sugar.

Wednesday, 2 September 2009

Losing weight is easier when you can't afford dessert with your coffee.