I think that's what it was. A lot of family members just attacked me. Not for my eating issues, which could actually be dangerous, but for my sexuality. Disgusting, unnatural, disgraceful, "I'm ashamed of you." "Look at all we've done for you, and this is how you repay us?" "How could you?" "Have you no respect?" "You need to sort out your life or get out of this house."
I don't know what to do anymore.
Saturday, 17 July 2010
In two days time I'm going on an adventure. A few of us are leaving Dublin at 9pm and bussing, training and boating our way to Scotland. It should be HEAPS of fun so I'm super excited about it, but I know there will be tons of photos taken so I need to take this opportunity to lose as many pounds as I can. I'm thinking a 2 day fast should do the trick. I'll have something to eat before we go to keep me awake, then rely on the adrenaline to keep me going for the rest of the roadtrip! Excellent.
I've started making proper use of thinspo again. For me, real life thinspo works so much better than celebrities, because magazines are so shit at photoshopping that you know straight away you're not seeing a real person. My desktop wallpaper is now a guy from town that I really envy. Everyone has one of those, right? He's naturally skinny and spends what seems like 90% of his time out in clubs having the time of his life because he's so confident about how he looks. Even when he's not dressed well, he seems to be able to carry it off because of that confidence. I want that. So for now, every time I want to eat I'm looking at that photo, asking myself if it's worth it, and finding that the answer is almost always no. It helps to get a bit of perspective.
If anyone's joining me, let me know. Always good to know you're not alone! I'm gonna set myself markers so I know I'm doing well. Like a line on my hand for every hour I do without food. It'll be like counting down the days left in a prison cell with a tally on the wall.
What would a post of mine be like without the usual schizo turn? I just spent an hour with some family members. I've never heard so much backstabbing and bitching in one room, and I've been to a hell of a lot of gay bars, so that's a fucking achievement. My grandmother slagging off her own granddaughter for being a "fat lump". My aunt slagging off her sister for eating too much. Then I found out my dad's been lying about me. They moved house whilst I was at uni, and everyone in the new area that they've met believes I'm straight. He's dropped hints about girlfriends so there's no doubt. With people like that behind me, I wouldn't be surprised if I took some psycho fit one day and committed some exciting crime.
I promise I'll make it a good one.
Tuesday, 13 July 2010
I really am. I'm disgusted with how many mindless idiots there are in this country. Some wankers in Belfast threw petrol bombs at the police yesterday. Rioting because of a parade commemorating a battle hundreds of years ago. 99% of them couldn't tell you what they were even fighting about. I'm disgusted with the wankers who went around slashing tents at the Oxegen festival in Dublin this weekend. I'm disgusted at the wankers who then stole everything they could from the tents, leaving my friends sitting in a field drenched in the cold overnight before they could get home. I'm disgusted at myself for being such a lazy piece of shit, for not being able to move on from my ex, from being pathetically dependent on my friends, for being so bloody morally corrupt, for disappointing my family (even though what they expect of me is a straight son, which I CANT be), and for having no self control.
and fuck it, i'm fasting. Because that's what I do when I'm in a shit mood. I'm too afraid to weigh myself. I have a friend who was able to fast for 5 days at a time. I admire that guy. What amazing self control that must have been. I've lost heaps of weight in the past, but I always did it the easy way. 200 cals per day, always allowing myself those 200 to make it easier. Frankly, I don't think I deserve them right now. Zero cals for as long as I can do it.
So I guess after all that angst there's time for a bit of gossip... the hot lecturer I mentioned a while back has emailed me since. He's offering to supervise me next year. That means me and him in a small room (one of his private rooms, to be exact) for an hour every week. What could I do other than accept? This could be VERY interesting.
Actually, FUCK the negativity. I have a heap of opportunities ahead of me. All I need is to commit to my goals and go for it. I CAN do this. I'm really fucking good at doing this. It's nothing but pathetic self destruction that's held me back so far. I'm fasting. I'm getting thin. I'm getting the hot guy.
End of. :)
... god, how schizo was that post? hahah