Tuesday, 13 July 2010


I really am. I'm disgusted with how many mindless idiots there are in this country. Some wankers in Belfast threw petrol bombs at the police yesterday. Rioting because of a parade commemorating a battle hundreds of years ago. 99% of them couldn't tell you what they were even fighting about. I'm disgusted with the wankers who went around slashing tents at the Oxegen festival in Dublin this weekend. I'm disgusted at the wankers who then stole everything they could from the tents, leaving my friends sitting in a field drenched in the cold overnight before they could get home. I'm disgusted at myself for being such a lazy piece of shit, for not being able to move on from my ex, from being pathetically dependent on my friends, for being so bloody morally corrupt, for disappointing my family (even though what they expect of me is a straight son, which I CANT be), and for having no self control.

and fuck it, i'm fasting. Because that's what I do when I'm in a shit mood. I'm too afraid to weigh myself. I have a friend who was able to fast for 5 days at a time. I admire that guy. What amazing self control that must have been. I've lost heaps of weight in the past, but I always did it the easy way. 200 cals per day, always allowing myself those 200 to make it easier. Frankly, I don't think I deserve them right now. Zero cals for as long as I can do it.

So I guess after all that angst there's time for a bit of gossip... the hot lecturer I mentioned a while back has emailed me since. He's offering to supervise me next year. That means me and him in a small room (one of his private rooms, to be exact) for an hour every week. What could I do other than accept? This could be VERY interesting.

Actually, FUCK the negativity. I have a heap of opportunities ahead of me. All I need is to commit to my goals and go for it. I CAN do this. I'm really fucking good at doing this. It's nothing but pathetic self destruction that's held me back so far. I'm fasting. I'm getting thin. I'm getting the hot guy.

End of. :)

... god, how schizo was that post? hahah


  1. I like the scizo when it ends happy and motiviating!! Thats awesome that you are getting some great opportunities, and I know you deserve them. I'm sorry about the ex..its hard to move on from things especially when it comes to emotional relationships.

    Stay lovelyy okay?? You motivate me. I'm going to fast tomorrow.

  2. I agree-- with everything. It's really hard to convince myself not to be hopeless. I have an ex, and a family that expects straightness where I can't deliver, and a sense that we're all sort of collectively driving ourselves into the ground.

    I don't have a non-trite response-- triteness aside, I hope things seem a little less bleak soon


  3. Maybe I should elaborate: I have a same-sex ex I can't get over, and the corrupt morals to corroborate my family's belief that her femaleness was the problem.

  4. you're entitled to a schizo post!!!!!! besides it ended on a positive note.
    you look so awesome in your post-exam picture!!!
    i just caught up on your past posts and it's good to hear you've got your goals. if you make a pro-ana fb let me know, I'll def join you on it!!! I've thought of making one too!!
    I'm so happy you're still posting!!
    stay strong

  5. thank you for your comment, it made my day :)x

  6. I live in Canada, just outside of Toronto where a G20 summit was just held.. and all I can say is people are fucking disgusting morons. So with that being said it's obvious that I totally relate to the beginning portion of your schizo post.
    I also relate with the lovely ex/heart break crap. Heartbreak is crap.
    Oh and I find this back and forth schizo posts really entertaining to read - Forst Gump said it best with that evil chocolate saying... =P
    Hang onto the positivity.. and the hott guy!

  7. Oh, hunny, i hate seeing you hurt. Seriously, i teared up on the part of this post where you said you didn't feel good enough for your family... You truly are wonderful, and you truly are loved. *Big hugs* Try your very best to hang onto the positivity and feel better soon, love.

  8. J, we missed youuuuu
    I'm sorry you are hurting right now...

    Fasting is always a good thing!

    And the thing with your supervisor, mmm sounds juicy!!


  9. All of us need firneds, in fact having friends made us happy. real friends of course.

    and you can do whatever you want, couse your powerful!

  10. i know right people are just horrible i went to my first music festival this year (Rockness) and i was so scared about stuff like that happening luckily rockness is an awesome atmosphere but i would have loved to have gone to T in the park but its one of the worst in scotland 2 attemped murders this year yeah so im to scared to go to it urgh hope your mates survived

    good luck with fasting im the opposite of you i find it easy to eat nothing at all than to allow myself 100-200 cause then its like well fuck this ill just eat 600 whats the difference


  11. fasting is hard i dont know how u can do it w/out passing out