poker face

I'm really fucking proud of myself.

2010-09-17T14:37:00.000+01:00

I finally did it. Found my self respect and told that waster to get out of my life. I don't know if I'll stick to it, and it hurt to do it, but I'm so proud I took that step. I'm leaving for uni in a few days and I'm excited as hell to get out of here and into a fresh start. I'm off for a drive now (bike license - love of my life) to clear my head so I'll write a proper blog soon. Anyone reading this on twitter? Just set up an account in case I can't update this as much as I want to. Follow me on www.twitter.com/mmckeo if you want the latest!

Later x

Weakness

2010-08-03T23:54:00.000+01:00

You know those times where you're just dying to text your ex, tell him how much you miss him, how much he means to you, how little you are without him, how so many things in life still remind you of him and how you're awake at stupid o'clock in the morning because of him, and how you hate him for what he's done to you, how he's betrayed you and treated you like shit, how you know he's been playing you, he's been fucking around and being a general dickhead, yet you still love him, and you hate yourself for it, because if you were anyone else and you saw this situation you'd tell the pathetic individual involved to MOVE THE FUCK ON, yet you can't, and you don't know why, but you know that it's not going to go away?

Yeah.

Moving on, pulling boys, being happy.

2010-08-02T02:07:00.000+01:00

The most amazing weekend started with one of the worst nights. I basically found out that my ex, who I'd been falling for again because he's been texting, calling, showing me heaps more attention and being like we used to be, has been sleeping around. I thought he'd cheated on me and then calmed down because of us breaking up and him being upset, but apparently not. So much so that he's booked himself in for a sexual health check. This was how I found out. So I realised that he has not deserved half of all the time, effort and thought I've been putting into him. So I stopped. I made that decision and I stuck to it. Didn't reply to his email about the health check, didn't reply to the random attention seeking text he sent me this morning, and barely thought about him all weekend.

That was because this weekend was fabulous - a night at the movies on Friday (Inception is amazing) followed by Belfast Gay Pride on Saturday. It was one of those occasions where you're like "shit, I can't go to this, I know literally ONE person, I will be lost and a loser and on my own and weird." So I went, knowing one person, and came home with like 10 new friends, most of which are male, gay and hot... but I'll get on to that bit in a minute ;)

Since being single my mind has been off sex. I just couldn't think about it out of loyalty to him. That snapped in my mind after I found out what he's been doing, and I just felt free. Free to have fun, be myself, meet new people, come on to hot boys and PULL. Which I did, with 4 guys. JUST KISSING, I'M NO HO. But yeah, MAJOR step for me considering how I've been for the last few months. Also, two of them were 20 year old blonde twins... I think that gets me extra points, yes? hahaha

I also got a MASSIVE catch up with some fantastic female friends who are just wonderful people. Laughed so much I had tears streaming down my face. Proper anchors in my life they are.

Very very drunk by the end of saturday night, very very hungover by Sunday afternoon. All of which made for an interesting train ride home. My backpack strewn across the table in the train, myself slumped back in my chair wearing yesterday's clothes, sunglasses to cover my lack-of-sleep eyes, and my face and hair plastered with glitter, whilst sober people walked past trying and failing not to stare/abuse. Can't say I didn't enjoy watching their reactions though... heee.

BUT YES. Lots of alcohol was VERY worth it, despite all the calories. Now I'm going for a FAST. Anyway, I DO need to drink pints and pints of water to make up for what was at least 25 units of alcohol...

Peace :)
J x

Intervention

2010-07-27T19:05:00.000+01:00

I think that's what it was. A lot of family members just attacked me. Not for my eating issues, which could actually be dangerous, but for my sexuality. Disgusting, unnatural, disgraceful, "I'm ashamed of you." "Look at all we've done for you, and this is how you repay us?" "How could you?" "Have you no respect?" "You need to sort out your life or get out of this house."

I don't know what to do anymore.

2 Day Challenge

2010-07-17T21:36:00.001+01:00

In two days time I'm going on an adventure. A few of us are leaving Dublin at 9pm and bussing, training and boating our way to Scotland. It should be HEAPS of fun so I'm super excited about it, but I know there will be tons of photos taken so I need to take this opportunity to lose as many pounds as I can. I'm thinking a 2 day fast should do the trick. I'll have something to eat before we go to keep me awake, then rely on the adrenaline to keep me going for the rest of the roadtrip! Excellent.

I've started making proper use of thinspo again. For me, real life thinspo works so much better than celebrities, because magazines are so shit at photoshopping that you know straight away you're not seeing a real person. My desktop wallpaper is now a guy from town that I really envy. Everyone has one of those, right? He's naturally skinny and spends what seems like 90% of his time out in clubs having the time of his life because he's so confident about how he looks. Even when he's not dressed well, he seems to be able to carry it off because of that confidence. I want that. So for now, every time I want to eat I'm looking at that photo, asking myself if it's worth it, and finding that the answer is almost always no. It helps to get a bit of perspective.

If anyone's joining me, let me know. Always good to know you're not alone! I'm gonna set myself markers so I know I'm doing well. Like a line on my hand for every hour I do without food. It'll be like counting down the days left in a prison cell with a tally on the wall.

What would a post of mine be like without the usual schizo turn? I just spent an hour with some family members. I've never heard so much backstabbing and bitching in one room, and I've been to a hell of a lot of gay bars, so that's a fucking achievement. My grandmother slagging off her own granddaughter for being a "fat lump". My aunt slagging off her sister for eating too much. Then I found out my dad's been lying about me. They moved house whilst I was at uni, and everyone in the new area that they've met believes I'm straight. He's dropped hints about girlfriends so there's no doubt. With people like that behind me, I wouldn't be surprised if I took some psycho fit one day and committed some exciting crime.

I promise I'll make it a good one.

Disgusted/Gossip

2010-07-13T21:24:00.000+01:00

I really am. I'm disgusted with how many mindless idiots there are in this country. Some wankers in Belfast threw petrol bombs at the police yesterday. Rioting because of a parade commemorating a battle hundreds of years ago. 99% of them couldn't tell you what they were even fighting about. I'm disgusted with the wankers who went around slashing tents at the Oxegen festival in Dublin this weekend. I'm disgusted at the wankers who then stole everything they could from the tents, leaving my friends sitting in a field drenched in the cold overnight before they could get home. I'm disgusted at myself for being such a lazy piece of shit, for not being able to move on from my ex, from being pathetically dependent on my friends, for being so bloody morally corrupt, for disappointing my family (even though what they expect of me is a straight son, which I CANT be), and for having no self control.

and fuck it, i'm fasting. Because that's what I do when I'm in a shit mood. I'm too afraid to weigh myself. I have a friend who was able to fast for 5 days at a time. I admire that guy. What amazing self control that must have been. I've lost heaps of weight in the past, but I always did it the easy way. 200 cals per day, always allowing myself those 200 to make it easier. Frankly, I don't think I deserve them right now. Zero cals for as long as I can do it.

So I guess after all that angst there's time for a bit of gossip... the hot lecturer I mentioned a while back has emailed me since. He's offering to supervise me next year. That means me and him in a small room (one of his private rooms, to be exact) for an hour every week. What could I do other than accept? This could be VERY interesting.

Actually, FUCK the negativity. I have a heap of opportunities ahead of me. All I need is to commit to my goals and go for it. I CAN do this. I'm really fucking good at doing this. It's nothing but pathetic self destruction that's held me back so far. I'm fasting. I'm getting thin. I'm getting the hot guy.

End of. :)

... god, how schizo was that post? hahah

First failure.

2010-06-01T14:07:00.001+01:00

2 days of such good restricting. I bought a low calorie snack for each day and put up with the rest of the hunger pains. Then yesterday happened. I was invited out for formal dinner with a friend. So excited about seeing her again and about meeting all her new friends that I couldn't turn the occasion down. But you know you CANT have a 3 course meal and keep below 400 cals... Three courses plus two alcoholic drinks came to 900 calories. Ashamed, appalled, and really fucking annoyed.

Today so far is going proper well. It's almost 1pm and I've eaten nothing so far. I haven't been hungry yet, but if the hunger pangs start I'm going to remind myself of everything I ate yesterday and tell myself that my body still needs to use that up before I can risk putting any more in. I think I'm going to make today a water day. It's been a while since I've tried to fill my stomach with water instead of food but I seem to remember it working.

I just saw a girl from school uploading photos on facebook. She's always been really fucking skinny and is having the time of her life (because of it..) which would be great if she weren't such a bitch. It'd be so much easier if good people were pretty and bitches were not.

Oh well. It's all thinspiration.

My starting point.

2010-05-30T11:22:00.001+01:00

OK. This is me. Exams finished. Stress sorted. Ready to go. AND I CANT WAIT to get all that yucky fat off me. I started yesterday and, for my first day restricting in AGES, I think I did pretty damn well. 250 calories at the most. I'm going to go for the same today. BEST thing about living in student accommodation and trying to restrict: if you don't BUY the food, you can't eat it. So no matter how weak my will is, I won't actually be able to reach ANY food, never mind high calorie junk. Very excited about this indeed. All my friends want to go out though. Suggesting meals here and there every other day and I'm not quite sure how to handle it. I suppose if I ate NOTHING the entire day, then went out for a meal in the late evening, that would be about an 800 calorie day, which I could offset by exercise in the morning and afternoon. It might also boost my metabolism to have a few very low calorie days then a medium calorie day like that...

God, exercise again. I feel SO self conscious doing it. This is perhaps the only reason why I'd really like to be at home right now. In the country, where I can exercise as much as I want without anyone seeing. I'll just have to restrict super hard untilI can get home and properly start into working those calories off.

My friend just invited me to make salad for lunch. She's super healthy and doesn't realise I'm trying to lose weight again, but just sees things like salad as normal. It's because of her allergies: the girl has NEVER eaten chocolate, nuts or sweets. Can you imagine that? On the one hand, POOR GIRL. On the other, she has so much temptation removed from her life. Skinny too. Without. Even. Trying.

The thought of doing this all again is kind of getting me down. I've SO far to go, and I've only just started. I'm not going to give up though. Thinking of everyone relaxing and getting their clothes off in summer, whilst I'm far too self conscious to even think about it is really motivating me. I really need to buy some scales as well. It's doing my absolute nut in not being able to see what weight I am. Anyway, by the time I get to France (mid August) I want to look GOOD. Whatever weight that may be.

So 250 calories today. Bring it on.

June Weight Loss Competition

2010-05-18T18:08:00.004+01:00

God. Exams. Right, I'll have finished my last exam on the 29th of May so I'm saying see-you-later to blogger til then. CAMBRIDGE EXAMS. Holy shit. They're for clever people. Fuck fuck fuck. It'll be okay. It will. Aye.

Can't WAIT til they're over. I mentioned weight loss to a friend and she was very excited about joining me. She doesn't know I'll go ana, and I presume she'll just diet like normal, but we'll see. I'm going to buy scales, and we'll weigh every so often. I will weigh more often (it's addictive, isn't it?) and I WILL lose more than her, because I'll be eating as little as possible and exercising when I'm on my own. Competition helps. I was looking at photos of what I looked like in summer, and I was proud of myself back then, not now. I've gone through a massive lot in the last year and am a better person on the inside for that, but not so good on the outside. TIME TO CHANGE THAT. Badminton, squash, swimming, football, cricket, rowing (it is cambridge, after all...) and cycling is what we have planned so far. As the weather SHOULD be really nice by then, no one should suspect that we're trying to lose weight, but just think that we're taking advantage of the sunshine.

We've chosen our rooms for next year! I was SO lucky and got the biggest room in our house. There are 38 people living in (it's a pretty big house...) and my room is the first in the corridor, and has enough space to fit ALL of them in it... so I'm going to be holding the parties next year. Already met some of the new guys I'll be living with. They seem great so far, and it's given me more motivation to GET THIN. Especially one in particular, but I'll see where that goes first before I start spilling details... ;)

Anyone else got their tactics for June sorted out? Add your name in a comment on this if you want to join us. I'll be posting my weight loss as frequently as possible throughout the month and will collect everyone elses' at the end of each week. EXCITING. Post diets, tips, strategies, anything to show you're taking part!

Excited.
Til the 29th, skinnies.
xxx

OMG, LUCK.

2010-05-15T11:32:00.004+01:00

Right, my summer was looking pretty damn dull. Spending most of it at home, in the country, little to do and few people really to hang out with apart from my old school mates... THEN I went to the post room yesterday morning and found in my postbox the following letter;

Dear Josh,
I am pleased to let you know that you have been awarded a Cambridge Bursary of £3250 for the academic year 2009-2010. I should like to take this opportunity of wishing you every success in your studies and express the hope that this bursary will be of some help.
Yours sincerely,
Professor J P Parry

FUCK YES. I have never had so much money in my life... maybe this is karma. Lower class upbringing, pretty fucking poor family, but get into a good uni, wiggle the smarts about a bit and get THAT.

SO, SUMMER. Plans are being made and I'm very excited about them. France with two mates who invited me over, so I can properly practice my French for a month with them, as well as getting in with the French student clubbing scene. Then Spain with another mate, then London, then Glasgow, then Sheffield (best mates from there) then I DO NOT KNOW. So many ideas!! I've also got spare money left over from this term, because I was determined not to spend much money on food (if it's not there, you CANT eat it...) so ana has done the job for me too :D

There's no way I can do all that though, at the weight I am now. Especially cos of certain people who will be there... (including the guy in the photo, whaaaat. skinny friends. he's gay too...) So, I'm giving myself June to lose weight. Starting on the 29th of May in the evening, as my final exam will be over. Traveling then starts in July, when I know I'll be able to wear what I want without looking like a fatty. You guys with me? Anyone on for a massive June weight loss plan?

Lets do it.
J

PS. Thanks for the comments on the last post, especially the ones who haven't posted before. It makes SUCH a difference to know you've been reading for so long! Your opinion matters, don't hide it :D

Flirting with teachers.

2010-05-13T19:59:00.004+01:00

LESS RANTY THIS TIME. Today was excelllennnnntttt. I had my last class with my sexy 28 year old French teacher, and he said at the end "It's been a pleasure to teach you,". I was close to telling him the pleasure wasn't entirely JUST his... but I thought that might be a bit obvious. Met him again when I was leaving the lecture site, and he half tripped and fumbled around with his ipod earphones and looked around to see if anyone had noticed. I laughed at him and his head shot right back around at me and he went bright red. Of course, being a gentleman, I walked on beside him and pretended not to notice, then "accidentally" brushed up against him when he held the door open for me. It was amazingly tense. He's super shy which is very cute, but I can so tell he's gay. May push this one a bit further... the fact that we'd both be in major trouble is RATHER exciting.

;) hahaha. THEN ran to another class on the other side of town (exercise), THEN sprinted back (exercise) and got back to my room just in time to set up a party for my mate from college with minutes to spare. Set out loooads of food and then, because I'd just RAN there, I was FAR too hyped up to eat, then far too busy getting everyone in to eat any of it. I'm still on a high now from all the activity so no food for me :) not even slightly hungry.

This is going well. Super excited about the next month. Exams to do sooooon, then I'm doing a fast 1 day, then the ABC. ABC is a bit old school now, but I've been off the scene for a while so... does anyone have any new ideas? But yeah, so I need to get skinny for the June 17th. That's our "May Ball" (massive massive end of year party which actually happens in June but yes...) and I want to have lost at least 8lbs by then. I can do it if I stick to the ABC and work my ass off. College has squash courts and a swimming pool on site so I can use those and no one will question it because it's free and I'll have no work to do! EXCELLENT.

Apart from that, David Cameron is the British Prime Minister. I'm disgusted.

Peace skinnies xxxx

PS. If you're reading this and haven't commented before, please do! Even if you don't have a blog, I'm listening! Also, thanks for the awesome rants on my last post. You guys know how to let it out. I find that VERY attractive. ;) hahaha

ARGH, I want to be skinny NOWWW.

FRUSTRATED

2010-05-09T21:25:00.005+01:00

OKAY. Are you annoyed at something right now? Tell me about it in a comment. I think we all deserve some space to rant. Here's my go.

I am going crazy

- with people
- with my friend, who has decided to ignore me for FUCK KNOWS WHAT REASON and won't tell me why. WHY are girls like this?! What's wrong with just HONESTY?
- with exams: one tomorrow, plus 3 homeworks due. Massive homeworks as well. Proud of myself for getting them done, but still, they should lay off when we're trying to pass these fucking tests.
- with England: I want to see places. I want to see Ireland again
with boys: Josh saw me sleeping at Ryans, presumed we'd slept together, then went crazy at me cos he thought I wanted to be with him, then tried to kiss me because I clearly don't mind who I sleep with. Eugh.
- with more boys: this guy Ben will not leave me alone. I'm not into you, go away.
- with food: stress makes me eat. -____-
- with the guy next door having incredibly loud sex with his girlfriend. She screams. We know you're putting it on, sweetie. Get over it.
- with parents: one of them isn't speaking to me. the other one texted me drunk at 4am the other night.
- with facebook: it really, really won't leave me alone. rumours going about the place, gossip and distractions. Thinking of making a pro-ana FB we could all hang out on, once I start blogging properly again though. Sound good?
- with plans: I want to spend as much time away from home as possible this summer, but I'm not sure where to go or where to get the money from. I don't want to waste the summer. There are entire countries I have to avoid cos my ex is going to be in them. Oh and I'm still not over him. Fuck my life.

BUT APART FROM THAT:

I've made some sugar free strawberry jelly. 8 calories in the entire bowl. GET IN.

Love to anyone who reads. Sexual favours to anyone who comments. ;)
xxx

Alright sexies...

2010-05-08T10:45:00.003+01:00

Who's up for a liquid fast? I'm going through as much of today as possible just on liquids. Drinking helps get rid of so many hunger pangs ANYWAY, that it should end up as a good calorie day regardless of how well this goes. Throw me a comment if you're joining me!

I ate WAY too much yesterday. I'm actually disgusted with myself. I had a fair excuse tho... the exam was HORRIBLE. I got a really stupid article to talk about and it was on a topic they never give you so you never revise it... luckily it's only worth 1/7 of my final mark so I'm not letting it get to me. :)

God, and, I got WAY too drunk at Tommy's house party last night. Came on to an ex down the phone, and another guy (R) had to like.. carry me home. Then I fell asleep on him. THEN my friend (J) turned up for a surprise visit this morning, and found us together (I was just sleeping! I had no idea what it looked like...) and was like "what are you doing?? I thought..." and then stormed out. Argh. No idea what that's about. He shouldn't care, even if I had got with R. Unlessss... :S

Today shall be a stronger day.

Me, Freaked.

2010-05-05T00:39:00.003+01:00

Picture says it all at the moment! I've an exam tomorrow afternoon and I'm pretty freaked about it. I've been preparing for ages but I never think it's enough... Hum. It'll be over soon and hopefully will go okay then summer can whisk me away :)

Sobered up!

2010-05-03T15:26:00.002+01:00

Sorry about that last post. Got a little excited, I'd been off alcohol for ages and it went STRAIGHT to my head...

Super motivated for summer at the moment. Just finished my classes for the day and I'm wreckeedddd, but making plans for the holidays. From the 29th May I'm going on a super-fast-diet-exercise regime. Every sport and activity I can think of and as little food as possible. I don't know if I should say my goal weight here, cos I don't want to set up any sort of competition. Every has their own aims and we shouldn't feel bad if ours are higher or lower than anyone elses. So let's just support :) I will count every lb I lose here though, so we'll be doing this together! Anyone else got plans for summer?

Thanks to Stick Thin for being my thinspo for today. Sexy one that she is :)

Hope you're all well. I'm off for a snooze, some work and meeting up with friends. Not too shabby.

OH AND. I got asked out by a guy last night. Well, he wants to go on a date. We almost got together about 3 years ago, and he seems to still be into me now I'm single again. We met up a few days ago and got on well. I don't feel any "spark" or anything, but he's hot and well... it'd help you know? moving on and that. Anyone got any ideas?

OH OH AND. Should I post an update pic of me? There are loads in my old posts but I haven't posted one in ages... or should I wait til I'm back on track with losing? Ho hum.

muchos gracias
xxxx

drunk!

2010-05-02T03:15:00.003+01:00

hello hello hello
i am drunk
well not realllllly but my head's all foggy and bummmm

met a new guy toinght. he's verrrrry pretty. and made me laugh and laughed at me lottts.

also sexy as. but didn't kissss me or try! which was nice. nice to just have a nice guy not coming on to you and thinking with his dick! gona see him again soon i hope. everyone was like oooo y ou two! when he left to go home so maybe he likes me? i hope so.

hes pretty.

alcohol.
xoooxoxox

my name's not alcohol

NEW LEASE :D

2010-04-29T08:23:00.003+01:00

Beautiful people,

I'm recovering. From heartbreak, not anorexia. The first is MUCH worse than the second, I tell you ;) feeling a new lease of life and can't WAIT to get out there. On my own and LOVING it. Proud to be who I am :) but first... I so need to lose a few pounds. Still in uni, 5 weeks to go until the end. Final exams coming up FAR TOO SOON (2 next week) but we'll be good. I'm on course for a 2.1 (basically an A-/B+) so I'm feeling good and planning SUMMER. Yum yum yum. Making massive plans such as weak long fasts when I won't have to eat for energy for class. Excitedddd. For now I've found the perfect excuse for eating less. My student loan took ages to come through, and as far as everyone knows it still hasn't. So I'm like "I can't go out for that meal, have to save money." and everyone's like "ohhhh, okay that's fine! don't worry about it!" because they don't want to be rude and make a big deal about me being a lot more poor than they are. It's great! So I've restricted my budget to £8 per week, including money spent on drinks (not alcohol... not partying til exams are over!!) and low fat snacks, so all is well.

How are you all doing? Can't WAIT to get on here blogging properly again. Hope you're all sticking to your goals and taking care of your beautiful selves. Drop me a comment and tell me the gossip.

Yours,
JJ

Update

2010-03-01T01:38:00.001Z

Hey guys,

I'm so sorry it's been so long. I've been awful. Uni is GREAT, but life alongside it has been terrible. I've been through an incredible amount of shit and am just starting to recover from it now. I've been cheated on, people have been starting rumours about me, family breaking up and making me choose sides. Blehhhh. No idea how I'm gonna just get over all of it, so far I've just been messing around, being immature and irresponsible and fucking about for once. Anyone got any better ideas, I'd love to hear them. Give us a comment to show me how you're doing.

Miss you guys.

JJ.

Why can't I?

2009-12-13T19:31:00.002Z

It's been too long

2009-12-10T23:25:00.002Z

since I posted

since I weighed

since I restricted

since I fasted

since I achieved

Let's change all that now. I've just come home from uni for the end of term and

I know for a fact that I've put on weight. It was inevitable with THAT amount of alcohol, parties and that awful party food. I've got a month at home now. I've lost 20lbs in a month before, there's no reason why I couldn't do it again. Plan? I trust you guys to work this out with me.

ABC? I miss that one. Might be a bit difficult with everyone around me, as I'm just back and so am interesting for a while. I'll see what I can do. Ah, hiding food, pretending to get snacks by rustling in the cupboards... I missed the old tricks.

Tomorrow: 500 cals

Saturday: 300 cals

We'll see how it goes from there. If I can't make two days then I need a serious wake up call.

How's everyone been doing? If you're still reading this... Uni has been absolutely crazy. Wonderful and awful in equal amounts. Some amazing experiences and some I just can't wait to forget. I went through a hell of a lot, and part of me wants to cut off that and just live in my little ana world for the holidays. I can't enjoy vacation when I'm having to deal with the guilt of putting all that disgusting fat into my body, so something has to change.

How awesome was New Moon? A rather fantastic friend got me a Robert Pattinson calendar for xmas, which is going up right now as the start of my thinspo. Tonight is my first night at home, and I'm dedicating it to finding some thinspo to help me through this month. Oh, and the new film sort of pushed me towards Team Jacob, which has shocked me more than most things this month. He was seriously hot, and had that smouldering good looks combined with kindness and sexiness that just WORKS.... whereas Edward was being all emo and pouty all the way through. Hmmm...

Robert Pattinson is still, obviously, incredibly hot though.

My friend bought me wee grey soft indoor boots for Christmas which are soooo nice. I never want to take them off. Perhaps I shan't. Take that!

Miss you guys. Take care.

xxxx

EEEE

2009-10-29T23:03:00.004Z

Hello hello HELLO! How is everyone doing? :D

Having such an amazing time at the moment! Uni is SO much fun. The work's good, difficult but it means I'm learning, and the social life is fantastic! Making

friends is NOT hard... everyone wants to meet new people so as long as you smile you're grand!

Halloween tomorrow!! Can't wait. Got my outfit sorted. There's so much gossip over what everyone's wearing. I was in an accessory shop and saw a guy from my college buying long satin gloves and fishnet tights, so I'm guessing there's at least one drag act to come! Others include a mad scientist, a doctor, scooby doo and michael jackson... It's gona be awesome. We're having a formal (in full costume) while they're dressing up the big hall like hogwarts, with big banners :D what's everyone else doing for halloween? You BETTER be dressing up!!

So, other things... had dinner with the "Master" (president, headmaster of college etc) last night, which was hilarious. He told me a story about how when he was in Poland he took a photo of something he wasn't allowed to take a photo of, then had to tape the film to his scrotum to get it into the English Embassy... fantastic night.

ALSO, EVERYONE IS NAKED. I'm on a staircase with 10 boys and 2 girls, and all the boys walk out of the shower with only a wee towel on. There are at least 6 of them I've never seen with clothes on. Good, good times. The photo in this entry is of one such night, where we decided to take our nakedness to the street.

Admit it, you're jealous. :P

I've far too much gossip to tell you! What do you want to know? Scandal? Hot boys? As far as eating goes, cutting down is NOT a problem... when your student loan can buy either alcohol and club entry or food, it's not a difficult choice! :P

Update

2009-10-14T15:14:00.002+01:00

Omg Cambridge is amazing. Sorry I haven't updated before now, but I've been soooo busy. Never worked and partied so hard at the same time. Sleep is rare, and I really miss it, but you can't have everything! I've lost weight for sure since I've got here. Walking for about 2 hours per day is unavoidable, so no matter what I eat I can't put on weight. Missing a lot of mealtimes too because lectures are scheduled over them, so that's helping! Aw we have a uni card too, which we use at the bar. It's like a credit card but JUST for alcohol. Waaaaa. It's seriously been sooo good. I'm wrecked but loving it. Must dash now, I've a philosophy essay to write. I've never done philosophy before, it's probably going to sound like complete bollocks. Oh, I had a minor freak out today. Had to do a 30 minute walk in 15 minutes to get from a lecture to a supervision, got lost, found the right way but then the gates were locked, had to reverse around the back of the college and make my way through a fucking labyrinth of corridors to get to my class, eventually 45 mins late. On top of that, my student loan hasn't come through yet so I'm all worried about money and shit like that. Trying not to let it get to me though, even though I was fairly close to tears earlier. My solution was to get a nice bun, which I then burnt off by running to the library to return a late book haha.

This is the messiest blog entry ever but oh well! How's everyone been doing? Thank you to my last commenter for asking where I was, that's why I wrote this :)

Speak soon!! xx

Going to Uni!

2009-10-01T01:54:00.006+01:00

I leave Ireland for uni on Saturday. 2 days from now. I'm scared. What if they don't like me? What if I'm a loner? What if I'm not good enough? What if I get a tiny room? What if I'm judged for being gay/poor/quiet/state school/dressed differently? What if I f

ade into the background? What if no one speaks to me? What if I miss home? What if I can't keep up?

I bought new clothes for going away. Spent sooo much money but I've got enough to do me for a good while now. I feel more confident in them. Got some stuff that I'd never ever have considered before my weight loss. I'm proud of myself. I just need to stop

doubting myself and it'll be fine. I'm not difficult to get on with I don't think. I can talk easily enough, as long as the other person is making an effort too. If they're not making an effort then they're not someone you'd want as a friend.

Everyone wants to make friends at freshers so no one's going to intentionally make it more difficult. First conversations shouldn't be too hard. Where they're from, how they are, what they're doing as a subject and why, what they'd like to d

o in freshers, how they're finding the city, how their rooms are, how their summer was... during all of that, with however many people I get to talk to, there's bound to be something that interests me and sparks further conversation. It's happened already with a few people I've talked to online who like certain types of music, or certain tv programmes, or certain actors.

They've given us college parents and a college sibling. My sister is really nice, and we seem t o get on pretty well. Plus we've already met so she will be someone I can approach without hesitation. Her and this other girl from Ireland who I foun

d on a forum. She talks really well, she's funny and interesting from what I've seen and she's been very friendly thus far. We've also met at a summer school but I don'

t remember her... which is quite bad but oh well lol. That'll be a shared experience to talk about too.

You can see how much I'm worrying about this then, yeah? haha.

I was meant to be going to see some friends in the city tomorrow, but I don't think it's working out. Everyone's already started lectures and they're all busy, plus the whole goodbyes thing was over a few weeks ago, when most unis started. I'm going to make do with a few phone calls and a visit to one guy who's been a really good loyal friend. I just wish I knew he was friends for the right reason. When I met him I was getting together with my bf, but the friend didn't know. He told me he liked me a while later and kept it up for about 6 months, after which he got with someone else, but kept complaining about things that were going wrong and always came to me to talk about it. I'd like to believe he's over it and that he's just a loyal friend. That

'd be really nice. I will miss him I think. Well, the only person I've ever properly missed is my bf (I miss him like hell right now) but it'll be good to see the friend again anyway.

It looks like there's going to be a lot on during Freshers; not only the obvious pub crawls and club nights, but also a ghost hunting trip, a barbeque and sports event, quiz night, jazz and cocktails night, comedy and acoustic night, freshers debate, freshers ball... shit, what do I wear? Same as for matriculation? Ball means dancing yeah? Shit, I can't dance. I seriously have no rhythm whatsoever. Any tips on getting out of dancing without looking weird?

Ahhh, I'm so nervous!

Pokerface Fasting Club

2009-09-25T00:20:00.005+01:00

We're so doing this. Haha. I'm ready for the next fast. Starting right now, at midnight. Fed up of being fat. Aren't we all? I've been eating normally since the last one, but it's really not enough. I want to reach that point where no matter where you pinch on your body, you can't feel fat. I want that so much. I'm writing this now also because I need a break from all the fucking work I've been doing! First performance of the play was tonight. It went great and I got wolf-whistled at... twice haha. Some girls were asking me to sign their programmes (and body parts) afterwards which was quite weird and, fortunately, of no interest to me whatsoever... awkward silences are hard to avoid when a girl asks you for your number and you have to get out of it without going "I'm in theatre, I'm wearing make up, I'm surrounded by girls but I'm not looking down your top... could it be any MORE obvious that I'm gay??"

This make up actually won't come off.

But yeah, I want to be thinner! FUCK if it wasn't for that I'd have such an easier time of it... Imagine being able to wear anything and knowing you look great in it? What would that actually be LIKE?

Oh jesus, I need to tell you all. Has anyone seen Skins? It's a British teen drama, on Channel 4 if you're over here... There's a character in it called Cassie who is anorexic (here's a video of her explaining how she avoids eating meals http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tGIiPraHUDc )but anyway, the point is I just found out that the actress who plays her is going to the same uni as me... so I NEED to cut down. That girl is tiny!

Okay so, I want to do this for 20 hours, then I'll eat something for some energy before the performance, and the same every day. If I can cut down to one meal per day (which I'll burn off on stage) I'll hopefully lose a fair bit by the end of the week. What's everyone else's plan? Are you joining me? Thinking thin. xx

EDIT: Fuck food whatsoever. I just saw a photo of myself on the school site and I feel so so so fat now. I got lazy. I need to fix this and I will.

Make your choice. Now.

2009-09-22T03:20:00.004+01:00

Girls or boys?

Pepsi or Coke?

Night or morning?

Up or down?

Winter or summer?

Scream or cry?

Wet or dry?

Lose or cheat?

Good or bad?

Sunrise or sunset?

Edward or Jacob?

SKINNY or FAT?

There's no in between any more. I can't let myself keep saying "I look fine..." because that's not good enough. People don't make history for being "fine". It's perfect or nothing. I've made my decision. I'm not letting myself away with anything anymore. I always talk myself around it. Pathetic reasoning, "I've earned this", "It's only a few extra calories", "I'll do better tomorrow."

Fuck me. Fuck my weakness. Fuck my attitude. Fuck my greed. Fuck my fat thighs. Fuck my fat cheeks. Fuck my fat calves. Fuck my flabby arms. Fuck my bulging stomach. Fuck it all, I want a new body. I want people to stare. I want people to worry. I want people to be shocked but secretly want it too. I will not be normal. I will not settle for "ok" or "fine" or "average". I'm better than that. All of you girls are too.

DECISIONS. Make yours now.

Who had a successful fast? Mine wasn't bad but I gave in afterwards and ate what was given to me. Can't wait to get out of here where my parents won't be forcing food on me. 2 weeks and I'll be in uni. In Cambridge, where everyone is 99% perfect. As a fattie I'll be at the bottom of the heap. 2 weeks to lose... as much as I can. My boyfriend left for uni today. It's depressed me. From my last few posts you'll know how close we are. My best friend for the last 3 years, never gone more than 2 days without speaking. I'm lost without him. I need a focus, and it's now this.

Let's have some thinspo. I want your comments too. Show me your determination. The fasts went so much better when we all worked together. 15

comments on the last post tells me you're in this with me. The reason I've been going easy on myself has a lot to do with my thinspo. I post guys with nice clothes, and I use them to hide behind. I rely on clothes to cover up imperfections. So this weeks thinspo is nudes, or close to that. No covering it up, no hiding from the truth.

It's fat or skinny. One decision. I've made mine.

Let's Fast and be Pretty

2009-09-20T04:23:00.003+01:00

The play starts this week. I'm excited, up late learning my lines whilst everyone else is sleeping. I've got some sexy outfits and my scenes are all passionate and energetic, so it'll be a good bit of emotional purging.

So like I said, let's fast and be pretty. Who's with me? Post your starting time, your reasons for fasting and come back here and update if you slip up. I find it's easier to fast when I know there's someone waiting to see if I succeed. I'm starting at 4:30 am. My excuse which I'll tell my parents for avoiding food is that I've got a sore throat and it hurts to eat (I was out partying a little too hard). I want to lose a few lbs before I get on stage and before I meet new people at uni. Thinking thin. Good luck girls. xx

Adventure :)

2009-09-18T03:55:00.007+01:00

That's two posts in a row which have started with ":)". Loving life right now.

Today I had a day off, and spent it with my bf. He drove round to mine and took us to this really calm, peaceful area just next to the river. Heatwave is still going (it's not Aussie heat, but we're enjoying it and my bf is australian anyway :) ) and the sunlight filtering through the trees just made it look so peaceful. We had a little adventure there, walking up tiny little twisting paths in the forest and ducking under branches, holding onto each other in the rocky bits (I trip too often, he knows it...) and then went back to his gloriously empty house where we spent the afternoon making fudge and watching disney movies in his room.

It's really messy at the moment because we're getting ready to move for uni (leaving Ireland in 2 weeks!) We went through all his boxes together and found an old journal of his, from 2005 when he was 15, and found an entry about me in it!! I was so shocked, because I hadn't even talked to him very much back then... but he says he was already falling for me, back then when he wasn't even sure of his sexuality. It was soo sweet.

The day went shockingly quickly, and I had to leave at 9:30pm because of my mum calling and insisting I go home straight away. Bf walked me as far as he could, but stopped just around the corner from her car so she couldn't see. She doesn't know about us so we have to be careful. He pulled me back and ended a great day with a sweet kiss and a too-long hug that showed that neither of us wanted to let go. I was smiling all the way home.

Needless to say, I'm fairly high at the moment. All I'm thinking about is him. He makes me feel so confident and secure. He called me beautiful today at random points when I caught him just looking at me for no reason and smiling to himself. He makes me believe it too. I feel secure with my body now. I wouldn't have felt anywhere near this content 30lbs ago. Now I know he can be proud of me, when the day comes to show the world that we're together. Hope you all reach that point too. It's worth it.

Thank you for the comments, I loved them all, you lovely people. :)

PS. Head bowed in the photo to subtly cover the black eye... which is healing nicely, thanks very much! :) I'll post some more singing soon as it was so sweetly requested! xx

Heatwave :)

2009-09-14T21:11:00.006+01:00

I wasn't punched because I did something wrong! Haha. The guy who punched me was REALLY drunk. He'd drank so much vodka (straight, no mixer) and does NOT know how to handle himself. Started rambling "tell me I'm a bad person!" then lashed out at EVERYONE who tried to help him. Guy has issues. He's still, however, a dickhead for drinking so much when he knows it makes him an asshole. My face is okay today. Still sore, more blue and going purple I believe. Got a fair few looks but I wasn't bothered :) and my friend is okay as well. Sore but getting better, just bruised above her jaw on the right side.

The picnic was with my bf. It was lovely. There's a heatwave in Ireland at the moment and it's so so nice. We sat out on the pier at a little secluded lake with a loaf of bread and fed it to the ducks and swans. I threw one bit into the middle of a little crowd of ducks, and one of them actually jumped up to catch it before the others could get to it. It was the cutest thing. Apart from the boy with me of course :) he watched out for the smaller ducks who weren't able to swim fast enough to beat the bigger ducks to the bread, and threw some straight to them so they could eat too. Then we had our own picnic and brought some back to his to watch some dvds. Sat wrapped up warm in his living room with cushions and drinks and the curtains drawn with little warm lights making the room all cosy.

Ah, happy days.

2009-09-14T02:16:00.002+01:00

So last night I got punched in the face. As did 2 of my friends, including a girl who got KICKED in the face. Worst thing is, I know the guy who did it. We used to be friends. Today was spent running around trying to sort everyone out whilst the bruise on my face started fully flourishing. It's blue at the moment and is aching. Lots of exercise today though. Running around for 4 hours and skipped a meal as I was too busy. I am going to bed sore but tired enough to sleep really well. Picnic with the boy tomorrow. Such nice weather, tartan blanket and ice cream. Night everyone, hope you're all blemish free. Thinking thin. xx

(Photo: I'm in a gay mood. That's Jack and Ianto. Yum.)

Thin pls.

2009-09-12T13:49:00.003+01:00

So who's flying with me?

I just had lunch. First meal of the day, and hopefully my last. That's my goal for the day anyway. Everyone's at work now and won't be home til 12 midnight, so I'll be able to just jump into bed when they get home and hopefully be really tired (no energy from food, plus I barely slept last night) and fall asleep straight away.

I absolutely hate not sleeping. I wonder if I'm an actual medical insomniac, or if I've just got some sort of psychological thing going on with it. I hate going to bed. Hate lying in the dark doing nothing. It seems like such a waste. I'd say however that it's more of a waste being like a zombie the entire day cos you stayed up til 6am on Facebook...

Sprite Zero and diluted juice to take me through the day.

It's fucking freezing here. We're meant to be in a "heatwave" currently, but I'm sitting in bed wrapped up in a massive hoodie. I've decided for sure that I'm not living here when I'm older. My other half and I want to live in the southern hemisphere, or at least one of the warmer european countries. I want a tan, for christs sake. Pale is often beautiful but for ONCE I want to have a healthy colour! There's my bit of vanity for the day haha

So I've got a lot of my thinspo back. There's one guy in particular who fully makes me ashamed of ever eating. Thanks to the wonder that is Facebook, I've got loads of photos of him and have put them on my desktop for thinspiration. Stalkerrrrr... but whatever works haha

That's going to be my attitude for today. I've had one meal (300 cals), I do not need more. Would he eat? Probably, but he can afford to. Skinny bastard. If I want to look like that, I have to work for it. It should be the easiest work ever - just NOT doing something. Don't eat, get skinny. Simples.

Anyone think I can go the rest of the day without food? Place your bets :P hope you're all doing well, it is great to be back!! Thinking thin xx

IM BACK

2009-09-09T05:04:00.004+01:00

Update: Life has been shiiit. I've coped though, and proved to myself that I'm pretty fucking strong. Tonight was a shocker, and it's given me all my thinspo back. I've been lazy. Lazy and FAT, but now I'm back in the game.

Avoid Food.

Work as hard as possible.

Sleep through hunger pains.

I need food for energy, yeah? Sleep = rest = renewed energy.

HOW HAVE YOU ALL BEEN DOING? I'm so sorry for being away for so long! I know I posted one or two photos.... but I wasn't blogging properly, just letting you know I was still alive! Life just got awful, then kicked me when I was down. It's probably still going to be hard for a good while, but I'm ready to tackle it, and I hope you guys are still willing to tackle it with me! Please let me know what's been happening with you, even if you haven't commented before. I can't go through my backlog of blogs, but I'll be back into reading now as much as I can.

Missed you all! Soooo good to be back! I'm off for a drink of water and some reading :) take care and THINK THIN. We've done so well but we've got sooo far still to go!

LETS FUCKING FLY.

2009-09-04T12:05:00.001+01:00

Choose your poison. Get your kicks from life, not sugar.

2009-09-02T16:28:00.001+01:00

Losing weight is easier when you can't afford dessert with your coffee.

Weight Loss Buddy

2009-08-27T00:53:00.004+01:00

I've got someone close supporting me now. Shan't say who, but it's gonna be so much easier now. We're starting from tomorrow, cutting out all snacks and exercising. Can't wait =D

I've been eating way too much recently, but I've had a great time with it. There were so many parties that just couldn't be ignored and I have put on 2lbs because of it. That's just given me a short term goal to sort out. I'm not getting down about it, I'm just getting focused.

I saw the photos from results day in the paper this morning. The photographer is SO untalented, it's unreal. He took all the photos from an angle below everyone's face, so it's like CHINCHINCHIN city. I'm glad I only have one of them now, but still... really. I know the photos look a lot better than they would have done last year, and I can see progress but I can also see a fair bit to go yet. I'll get there though. For sure.

This MacBook is divine, by the way.

I'm so fucking tired these days. A few times I've just been eating to have the energy to move... More sleep is in order. Trying not to go down the line of caffeine instead of the hours in bed. Very tempting though. Getting into uni is stressful. I've a DoS to email, a payment schedule to send, a bank account to set up... argh, stress! If this is what adult life is like...

Anyway, enough of that haha. Leave me a comment please, I love reading them :) especially if they're long and rambly. Those are the best ones. Slag me off, tell me I've been lazy, support me, encourage me, or post something totally unrelated. If you haven't before, don't be shy! I'm really... very lovely.

hahaha

Have lovely productive days everyone :] this bambino's off to sleep. xx

Ribs? Not yet...

2009-08-25T09:19:00.006+01:00

I'm getting a macbook today ^_^ and I have a helium balloon. Life is therefore good. Going up to the city with one parent, an uncle and an aunt (but hopefuilly sneaking away with a friend asap.)My iPod is being fully charged to make that journey more bearable...

They're doing this deal at the moment where you get 13% off if you have a confirmed place at uni, so I'm getting like a £100 discount =D plus you get an iPod touch for £20 through the same deal. YAY I just sounded like an advert.

Thanks everyone for the tips on the letter. I addressed it to Ms. ----- and my step mum helped me write out a formal cover letter so it looks really good. Slowly starting to get used to the whole "formal" thing... though I have to order a gown soon, and that's gonna be a bit far I think. Gown as in Harry Potter style robes...

I said I'd post a "ribs" photo when I got to 100 followers, so there it is. Soo need to work on my tummy, aaa! But there's the starting point :) it's really reminding me of how many sit ups I need to be doing... and blame xthinforever for the jigsaw pieces. It was her fault :)

Let me know how you're all doing, and let me know if you're doing a ribs photo too. I wanna see who else is being brave :P. Thinking thin (and MAC! =D ) xx

One last thing... tell me what song you're listening to right now, or start up itunes and pick one to recommend. I want new music, and I want to know if my followers have good taste... ^_^

Thanks

2009-08-24T11:09:00.004+01:00

I'm fasting today. I've a feeling it won't be difficult. Don't know how long I want to fast for. If I end up eating I'll make sure I keep it below 500 for the second day of ABC.

Being skinny will obviously not make anything easier, but it's something to focus on. If I'm thinking about not eating all day I won't be able to think about anything else.

Thank you for all the comments. I really appreciated them. I know everyone has something like this in life. It's shit for all of us so I won't feel sorry for myself. Just keep going til it's forgotten about.

I started exercising again last night. It really helps to avoid eating. When you feel how sore it is to work the calories off you know that eating that unnecessary snack is just not worth it. I only got 70 sit ups done before all the stuff last night happened, but it's a start.

Got my reading lists from Cambridge this morning. I have to email my director of studies telling her what papers I want to study this year. I like the sound of French Literature and German History and Thought since 1750 so I think that's what I'll be doing. Anyone got any tips on writing formal emails? She used "Dear" and my first name to start it off, and seems really friendly, told me not to hesitate to ask her if I needed anything, and I think she's only the Director of Studies for a small number of students, so I'm not sure whether to use her first name or call her Ms. ------.

Hope everyone's having a good day. Thanks for the support again. xx

2009-08-23T23:27:00.002+01:00

Last night, my dad woke me up at 1am, drunk.

This morning, my mum vacuumed for an hour so I wouldn't hear her crying.

Today was the anniversary of my little brother's death.

Tonight, I found out that a friend from school has died in a car crash.

I don't give a fuck anymore.

Brink

2009-08-22T12:57:00.007+01:00

I'm starving. I don't know how to eat anymore. When I do eat, I try to do it as quickly as possible. Gulp food without chewing so it doesn't feel like eating. I don't really enjoy it anymore. It's mechanical, not a pleasure like it used to be. I feel sick after almost every meal and have to struggle not to throw up. I refuse to throw up. I'm terrified of it for no reason other than I hate how it feels.

The problem then is that I'm going out for a meal with friends tonight, which will probably involve starter and dessert as well as main. I'm eating with people who range from about a UK size 8 to a size 18, so I'll be somewhere in the middle. Since I've started losing weight, I've been so much more aware of their sizes. Sometimes I wish I could work out an excuse to check the label of their clothes to see if they're bigger or smaller than me... cos I've really no idea of where I am. My mum always made me buy clothes that were far too big for me (before I was able to buy them with my own money) so I had no idea what my actual size was. In the last while people have started calling me slim, but I still don't know HOW slim. How I actually look :S what if they're just being nice... ?

The solution is clearly that I need to lose more. Enough until I can say that I AM skinny without the slightest doubt. I am wearing shorts now though, so I guess that's progress. I can't wait to go for some shopping next week. Going to the city where I'll be trying on some smaller sizes again to finally work out where I am. Then I can work out my next weight loss goal. As for today, I'm gonna try get over an hour of exercise in to make up slightly for the meal later. Diet starts in earnest again tomorrow. Anyone have any ideas? 5 bites, ABC, fast? Might let my followers decide... almost 100 of you now! Thanks everyone for the support. Hope you're all having good days. Keep updating me :) Thinking thin. xx

EDIT: Starting ABC with Ana's Girl on Sunday, so 500 cals for the first day :). You're free to join us if you want, just let me know!

High

2009-08-21T06:32:00.007+01:00

New shirt makes me happy < keepin' it green to retain some national pride after having been accepted to an English uni :P

Thank you all for the lovely comments on my last post ^_^ I'm still just so so happy about it all. Thinking about how long I've wanted it... working so hard for 4 years and putting so much effort and worry into the interviews and exams... and it paid off! It feels an absolute honour to be part of it and I honestly just feel so much more secure with life now. Cambridge has felt like home ever since I spent time there for the interviews. There is a higher rate of EDs at there than at most other unis too. Everyone pushes themselves to be the best they can in every way. At Cambridge I will be normal, not the guy with 4As and a tendency to skip meals... I can't wait.

I need to take time to reply to your lovely comments. Firstly, someone posted anonymously; if you're worried about starting your own blog I'd encourage you to do it :) you don't have to put a name up and there's no way anyone can identify you if you limit how much personal stuff you post. I don't believe there's any chance anyone I know could find this. But yeah, I appreciate the comment and thank you for reading :) it would be nice to be able to comment and support you in return though!

Thanks for all the congratulations and hugs and the offers to buy me a drink too ;) haha and WELL DONE to Hanz who got AAA and got into her university too =D!

For anyone who asked about the course I'm doing, it starts in the first week of October and I won't post details about the course because that would narrow me down to about 50 people.. haha. It's a fantastic course though. Something I really enjoy and am really looking forward to. Work is a whole lot easier when you're passionate about it.

Cassi is a new blogger who commented for the first time yesterday. She has such a nice writing style and seems super sweet. Cassi, I tried to comment on your blog to tell you that, but it won't let me! The advert at the bottom covers the tab where you put the security word in... if anyone else can work out how to do it, leave a comment on my behalf or let me know haha.

She talked about "finally having the courage to post a comment" on my blog. I hope no one else is hesitating! I love comments and it's the only way to get yourself noticed here :) I want to be able to see how you're all getting on!

To make yesterday even better, I felt thin. First time ever, I think. I got so many compliments and had the word "slim" applied to me. Never before haha. My French teacher said I looked like "a new man" which was great to hear. We got our school hoodies too. 2 months ago I ordered a small size, which I was nowhere near fitting into, but I was determined to get there. It now fits me perfectly :)

So today, I'm still on a high which I can imagine lasting for some time. I've got so much to do (forms, i hate forms) but I'm not stressing out about it! Not yet anyway.. haha. It's my cousins' birthday tonight (a different cousin to the one in previous posts) so I'll be going to that with the whole family. If you're a new reader and read a few posts back you'll understand why tonight will be very interesting... they reacted awfully to my sexuality, but they were full of congratulations about my exam results. We'll see which wins over tonight, prejudice or pride.

Might get a 60 cal yogurt for breakfast to start my metabolism and stop my stomach rumbling through the photographs which are being taken (for the paper, omg D: ) at 1pm, then I'm not eating anything until the party. 500 cals is my limit for today. Can't exercise as there are a lot of people at home at the minute, but I will as soon as I can.

Hope everyone's having a good day! Let me know. Thinking thin :] xx

I GOT IN!

2009-08-20T17:28:00.002+01:00

AAAA + I'm going to Cambridge!

AMLFNGMAFOIDLGIBN OMG.

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!

WHAT THE

:Q:Q:Q

I got FULL MARKS in 2 subjects! whaaaaaa

ANNND

"omg you're looking so good!"

"wow you look so slim!"

"you look like a new man!"

:D :D :D !!!!

Pre Results Post

2009-08-18T00:50:00.004+01:00

So here's what I'm planning on wearing for results day. I said a few posts ago that I wanted something white when I'm thinner, so this is a first attempt :) tried it on this morning so I could show you all before. I think this will be my last post before then, so I should be updating some time on Friday, once I've recovered from my hangover and managed to find my way home...

I'm bound to have put on weight by the end of the week. Going out shopping tomorrow with a friend who I know will insist on getting Subway for lunch with a take away meal for dinner and ice cream in between if she can manage it... and going out to the cinema the night after... and drinking a considerable amount of calories on Thursday night if all goes to plan. So this week is an official holiday from weight loss :P I've been managing to maintain this weight for a few days so I'm really pleased with that. Still need to lose more though, and I'm afraid of getting complacent. Another 10lbs should do for now. I'll see what I'm like at that weight and then decide.

Once I get my results I'm starting into the exercise plan I've set out. Running, aerobics, weights. I was seriously into it in June and the weight dropped off so quickly, so I'm excited about starting that again. I've also got my eyes on a new diet which Victoria pointed out to me. It sounds fantastic (and it's working for her) so I'll be shopping for that soon. Thank you! She's new and super sweet btw, so you should check her out and support if you've time :)

Buy a Wii. Buy Wii Sport. Box. I never realised how great a work out boxing is. On the Wii it doesn't let you stop until you've knocked the other person out, so you can't go easy on yourself and take a rest, as you have an active opponent trying to knock you out at the same time. When your opponent is your skinny little sister who has an apparently endless source of energy and is actually giggling at your struggles, there's a hell of a lot of motivation to keep going...

EXAM RESULTS ON THURSDAY. I have an offer from Cambridge (for new followers who haven't read back.) If I get AAA I get in. I'm scared, but I think most people are too. Can't wait to know. Thinking about it has actually scared me so much that I've lost the ability to keep writing...

Hope everyone's having good days and keeping healthy. Let me know how you're getting on, as per :) I'll be back soon with news! xx

Desire

2009-08-16T05:57:00.006+01:00

Photo taken 2 weeks ago (and about 7lbs ago), at a costume fitting for A Streetcar Named Desire. I'm playing Stanley, a really masculine, harsh, sexual character. I love him (he's not nice, but so interesting) and can't wait to get into it. Loving the 50's hairdo. I don't think we should restrict ourselves to dressing how our society at the moment prefers... so I'm totally going out looking like this soon haha. I also think it's really funny that, after finding out I'm gay and rejecting me for it, my family are going to see me play the most heterosexual character ever. The clothes are still way too big to me, even though those were the smallest they had to suit the character. It's my own fault though, the costume department had no idea I was going on a weight loss quest... if anyone's interested in what the character is like, here's a clip from the Marlon Brando version :] www.youtube.com/watch?v=o_lToyPAUyE he takes his shirt off around 1:15 I think... SO glad I'm 30lbs lighter now! haha. Gonna be concentrating on weights and push ups for my arms and chest til then (performances in late september, script already learnt because I love the play.)

Basically all else that's on my mind at the minute is exam results on Thursday. I'm fasting today (Sunday, 7am til Monday 7am) to see how that goes, and I'll decide my plan for the next few days up til results day after then. I'm excited and nervous and tense and scared and lots of emotions bundled into one. I'll see if that keeps my mind too busy for food. Hopefully it does.

Planning a trip to the city on Monday for some pure shopping, the first time since my weight loss. I'm so excited at the prospect of going into popular shops and buying SMALL sizes. A lot smaller than I used to buy anyway. I also really want to treat myself to something expensive. I've never done it before and I think I've earned it now. Something to keep me occupied with until results day anyway. I'm thinking of some Kurt Geiger shoes. Yummm. I've got £100 left in my bank account and I'm planning on spending it :] I'll hopefully manage to get £150 of the money my friend owes me on Monday morning so more for treats :]! The problem with buying clothes atm is that I'm still losing weight, so I don't want to spend money on clothes that aren't going to fit me in a month's time. It's happened with a shirt I bought in June that I really like... it looks huge on me now!

Thanks for all your lovely comments on my last post :) support means so much and if you're looking an update... I've not spoken to any of my family (apart from a few words to my mum as we live in the same house) since that day. They're all back in from the beach appartment and living within 5 miles of me again, though, so I won't be able to avoid them for too long. There's a family party on Friday for another cousin's birthday and (if I'm actually invited) I'll have to go to that. I would get depressed about it but, fuck it, I love a good fight. I'll be lovely and polite to everyone, but if anyone is rude to me it's only fair that I be rude back. "Treat others as you wish to be treated" is, after all, one of their Christian principles. :P

Thinking positive :) xx

Explanation

2009-08-13T08:07:00.003+01:00

I had the most awful day today. We were at my aunt and uncle's holiday appartment. I was getting lots of attention because I was full of stories from holidays and my relatives kept commenting on how much weight I'd lost. My cousin didn't like it. He's put on more than I've lost, and has such a pot belly now. We went to buy some winter coats in the sale in town and both tried on the same size. It was too roomy on me so I bought a size lower, but it wouldn't zip up on him at all so he had to size up. It was really obvious too, right in the middle of the shop. The first time I've ever been smaller than him. He's always enjoyed making me feel inferior, putting me down at every opportunity. This time, I was winning.

He put a stop to it by announcing my sexuality to all of my relatives. So I had to sit through a lecture from my aunt telling me what an awful person I am. How I'm a disgrace and have disappointed everyone. I should be ashamed of myself, apparently. My mum was there and didn't even defend me. "I hoped he wouldn't get into things like this." More disapproving looks, insulting comments, while I just sat there trying so hard not to cry. They even took the opportunity to have a go at my dad. Apparently I'm betraying the family by keeping in contact with him. They're Christians, and claim to be good people, yet i've never felt so attacked, so victimised, and by people who should be taking care of me. That's about 15 members of the family who are guaranteed never to look at me in the same way again, I doubt I'll hear another word from them. I'm out of the family. It's just me and my dad now, but I don't even live with him.

That's part of the reason why I'm awake at 8am and writing this. I'm staying awake all night and morning so I can sleep during the day and avoid contact with any of them. Yesterday was a bad day for eating. They treated me like such a child, wouldn't even let me order for myself. I was just so fed up and drained by the whole day that I let it go. Today will be different. I have a fruit based diet planned out for the day which should be easy to stick to, in my current mood at least. Such a "fuck my life" mood that I don't want to eat in the slightest. Sorry that I haven't kept up with blogs recently. Life has just been taking over. I'll get to them as soon as poss.

Hopefully still getting a new laptop soon so that's something to look forward to. Also, Results Day is now only 1 week away. 7 days. Excited, nervous, exhausted. Need sleep very very soon.

Thanks for all the lovely lovely comments on my last post. You're all far too kind and I appreciated every one of them :) I should point out again (as some people weren't sure last time) that the photo in this post is me. Me exhausted and about to fall asleep right there, with arms that need a serious workout. Welcomes to the new followers too. Feel free to comment even if you haven't before! How's everyone's day going? Hope you've got positive news. If you haven't, tomorrow is another day. Just keep swimming xx

Before and After Pics & SINGING!

2009-08-11T19:01:00.008+01:00

So that's me <<<<< :) Just a little sneak peak of how far I've come. Total lost so far: 31lbs. I'm pretty proud but I know I've a while to go yet. This post is just to show that I'm on my way! Oh, 31lbs and a major hair makeover. I just was not working the black... plus a bit of my French tan is left =D WOOP. I'm starting to notice the difference now :)

Today is EXERCISE day. Aerobics and as much movement as possible. Going out for an hour long walk tonight too with a friend. Thank fuck I'm not the only insomniac around here.

9 days til results day! WAAAAAA. Can I lose 5lbs in that time? That's my goal for now. I've lost all the chubchub from around my face but I'd still love a bt more off my stomach. Crunches and sit ups to be done tonight for some toning. If anyone has any tips they'd like to share, feel free!

Ok so this is a bit of a busy post so I'll just get on with it...

So here's the video. This was me, 31lbs ago. I'm not proud of how I looked, but I'm proud of how far I've come. Our whole family had a take out today, which I couldn't avoid. That's 600 cals damage as I didn't finish my meal and kept to diet drinks. I can burn that off in 2 hours or so and I'm getting on to that now. 15 mins done already :) hope everyone's having a good day. I'm not a great singer/pianist btw! BE NICE :P It was just a bit of fun and I thought it would be a good way to record my weight before starting this blog. So this is my before. The old Fat Me is now my own reverse thinspo =D

Any thoughts? Hope everyone's having a good day :] let me knoww! Thinking THINNER xx

I survived!

2009-08-11T03:10:00.007+01:00

So the dentist was lovely. He couldn't find a thing wrong with my teeth, so the last dentist had me panicking for nothing. After I got over being cross about all the worry he'd put me through, I just cheered up about the fact that I still have all my teeth! *toothy grin* It also made me really glad that I'm no where near being Mia... not gonna damage my teeth because of my issues.

So I haven't done this whole calorie listing thing in a while...

Breakfast: 1 packet of Snackajacks (low fat crisps) : 100 cals

Lunch: Granola bar : 200 cals (shouldn't have had that but it may have helped me avoid a binge)

Dinner: 1 + 1/4 slices of brown bread + lean chicken : 200 cals

Midnight snack: 1 Starburst chew sweet: 20 cals

Total intake: 520 cals

Attitude: pleased. at least a 1000 cal deficit today.

Such bad hunger pangs tonight. I'm taking a positive attitude about it though. Hopefully these mean that I'll be 1lb lighter in the morning. That would make me so happy and give me such a good start to the day. I'm trying not to give in to snacking by looking at xthinforever's latest post of thinspo. It's such a good collection and has been SUCH a help so far. I'm not going to give in. Tomorrow night I'll let myself be weak and take a small snack, but tonight I won't. I wonder if I'm awake long enough, will the hunger pangs just pass? I'll make tonight an experiment.

Comments suggest that you DO want to hear me sing. I shall be posting it tomorrow. Prepare your poor wee ears! :P

So tomorrow I'm feeling like having a 300 cal day. I can't remember if I've anything planned... but everyone's away at work from 10 am so I have plenty of time to exercise if I want. There seem to be plans to get a chinese though, which I won't be able to get out of if it happens. There will definitely be fast food on the days before results day. On the 19th they've planned to take a bus up to this massive club in the city... With more alcohol than Ireland has ever seen before. Gonna have to do some super restricting to make up for that in advance...

I'm starting to see ribs! :D I CANT WAIT. I'm the lowest weight now that I've ever been aware of. Starting to feel that my effort is finally showing results. I've been looking at my before photos and how I look now and I hope there's a good difference. I think there is. I know now what my goal is. I want to lose 30lbs more, so I'm half way there. :) I am however really FUCKING FED UP OF THIS BLOODY PLATEAU. :) Hope you're all having good days. Stay strong, keep focused, think thin. xx

Nooo...

2009-08-10T04:39:00.003+01:00

I have to go to the dentist tomorrow. :( Might be getting a tooth out, or getting one treated. Not sure what the second option involves but they both sound painful. I'm so so scared of the dentist! I had a traumatic experience with one when I was small. Was getting a tooth out and they went to put that mask over my face so I could breathe in the anesthetic to knock me out, but they didn't explain what they were doing. I just knew that I couldn't breathe and panicked so so much. It was terrifying. Two nurses pinning my arms down to my side while the dentist forced that mask on to my face...

So yeah, I'm obviously shittin myself about tomorrow... I know it's not that bad and I'm making a fuss but yeah. Bad times.

On the good times side, I'll have a full excuse not to eat tomorrow for mum. "I was at the dentist, I can't eat." etc etc

DOES ANYONE WANNA HEAR ME SING?

I made a video of me playing piano and singing Poker Face when I had the idea of making a blog. That was about... 30lbs ago (I lost 5lbs before, but so slowly that I'm not counting it as part of the weight loss for this blog.)

So in other words, does anyone wanna see Fat Me sing? hahaha

Thinking thin (when I'm not thinking IT'S RESULTS DAY IN 10 DAYS)

Back Better.

2009-08-09T05:43:00.010+01:00

Yesterday was awful. I wrote a long post about it but deleted it because I didn't want to share my depression. I really need to thank xthinforever. She was really great, there for me when I needed someone to talk to and cheered me up a serious amount. If you're not following her, do so please. She's such a sweet person, and so much fun and super supportive. Bitch has like 6 more followers than me. She deserves it though :] Thank you so much to those who made comments on my lack of posting/my deleted post. I appreciate it a lot :) sorry I haven't been able to comment on your blogs as much in the last few days. I just hadn't the headspace to deal with it. I'm back now though so things should be back to normal soon I hope.

I'm so glad yesterday is over. I ate so much. Comfort food I suppose. It's over now though and I'm feeling positive again. Just weighed myself and the comfort food hasn't shown on the scales. I've maintained my weight so I'm excited about starting losing again.

I decided that today is going to be a fast day. We have no nice drinks in the house though, so I'm going to go for a walk into town to buy something low cal or some bottled water. I don't know how I'll get around not eating a meal though, as mum is here all day. Possibly just gonna have to ask for someting that I can easily throw out. Or I could pull the whole "I ate so much last night... I feel so sick today" trick. That reminds me; someone in my little sister's class at school has swine flu... So if I fuck off for a few days, assume I'm pigging it up somewhere too..

I'm having an anti thigh night. Sitting in my pjs (boxers and a sleeveless tshirt thing tonight... don't get excited) looking at my legs. Yuckkk. I want them SLIM. Slim and toned. Gonna try get some running in tomorrow. I went for a walk tonight for an hour to clear my head. I got SO many looks from the few cars that passed as I was wandering around on my own at like 2am... I'm going to be the subject of so much gossip in the morning I bet :P

OOOH. I saw someone today who completely didn't recognise me! "And who's this lovely young man you're with?!" they said to my friend :] this was a woman who has known me for 2 years but hadn't seen me since I started losing weight. Apparently 25lbs makes a hell of a lot of difference...

SO did anyone recognise me in the top photo? Hahaha... kept it purposefully blurry :P proper photos to be posted after a few more lbs and before my results day! Hope you're all doing well. comment comment let me knowww :] fasting today. 3 hours into it and feeling good! Thinking thin xx

THINPSPIRATION

2009-08-06T23:55:00.005+01:00

Oh my god. I'm SO excited. I just got an invite to a massssive fashion thing that I'm SO SO SO excited about. OMG. OMG. I HAVE to be skinny for it. HAVE TO. EEEE I'm so excited! This was JUST what I needed. Fuck snacks, fuck comfort food, fuck weakness. EVERY. CALORIE. COUNTS. I'm going to do this, I don't give a shit how much it hurts. I will be skinny and I will look fucking good for it. I guess this means I'm pro ana for two weeks. I've never, ever been that. It's always scared me but then... I do love a challenge. For the next two weeks Snacking is Sin. Skinny is God.

WOWOW It's so weird to have something else to aim for other than results day!! Now I know I HAVE to achieve. EEEEEE hhehehehehe. I want a 2000 cal deficit per day, which means at least 2 hours of exercise. I'm going to do my first hour around 9am this morning and my second at midday, instead of a meal. I'm having one meal per day. 300 cals of pasta/sauce (small portion). Then I'm loooking forward to hunger pangs in the evening. I want to test myself, push myself. Being thin is a prize, not something I'm gonna get by being lazy. I have to work. We have to suffer.

So I'm also going to see some family members I haven't seen in ages (including the cousin who recently put on about 20lbs apparently...) in their apartment at the beach so that'll be interesting. Sort of a practice for seeing my classmates on Results Day. I hope they notice!! I'm wearing my best fitting top, in white (wow - new confidence?) with my smallest pair of jeans, 2 sizes lower than when I started. They're now the only pair I have left that fit me! It's great but seriously... what the fuck am I going to wear now? lmao. Planning a bit of a day out shopping with my dad obviously...

My dad's great by the way. Little interval here haha. He's so supportive of everything I do. Really kind and generous and funny. Everyone loves him. He's always there, willing to drive 100 miles to pick me up if I've missed a bus home, always willing to take an hour out of his schedule to talk to me if I have a problem. We have such a good sense of humour together. He'll constantly make fun of me and I do the same to him. Luckily we're equally matched so it goes on all day and no one ever wins. When it matters though, he knows how to be serious. He knows when to stop and tell me that he's proud of me and that he loves me. I love him too.

Excuse me ^_^ so yeah, 300 cals at most tomorrow with the little bit of pasta to keep my mum happy. I'm now looking up some thinspiration on youtube to pull out at any point during the day in which I'm tempted to binge. I also have some thinspo photos to share with you. I'll probably end up putting them throughout this post. The guy is my main thinspo. I think he looks amazing. The worst thing is - I KNOW HIM. He lives just a short train ride from me... completely stands out in his area. It's not a very fashionable part of the country, yet he looks like THAT. All eyes on him wherever he goes. I want to be like that, this time because I'm the pretty, skinny one, not the fatty that people stare at. Yuck. THINSPO =D I really want to print some of this out. I think I could get away with it too because most of it is quite arty...

Thanks everyone for the input on the guy situation in my last post. You all seemed to come to the same conclusion which confirmed what I thought. I should get the opportunity to speak to him on the day but I just might not bother. He missed his chance and he will have to stick that. I will, however, conveniently stand close enough to him so he can fully appreciate the new me... and regret his decision. ^_^

Hehehehehe I'm in such a good mood! I'm not sleeping today. It's 4am and I'm simply too excited to go to bed. I'll be up all morning looking at thinspo and planning my outfit for the fashion thing (details to come in a later post) and perhaps kicking out some exercise =D Is anyone else having a fantastic day? Let's share some positive stories today! Your proudest moment of your weight loss, your aims and goals and rewards, new confidence, new outfits, new compliments, anything :D

PS. What are your thoughts on the new header at the top of my blog? I wasn't sure. Felt like a wee bit of colour :] I'll return to the old photo if you like. Advice, input! :D THINKING THIN AND RIDICULOUSLY HAPPY :D xx!

Learning Curve & Sexual Tension

2009-08-06T03:40:00.007+01:00

I almost fainted in town today, ironically in the middle of shopping for food that I hadn't planned to eat. I had to eat something. I don't get a kick out of feeling faint and I get the most excruciating migraines. It's just not worth it. So I had a pasta meal, but could not finish the portion. It seemed absolutely huge to me but my mum kept insisting that it was normal (I checked the packet and it was, indeed, only enough for 1 serving.)

So after the almost fainting thing and the threat of a headache coming on, I had a "normal" eating day, eating a dessert after the pasta dinner. I figured that I've done well enough with losing the last 5lbs in such a short period, and that my body should have a normal eating day to settle it again, so my body wouldn't be under too much stress. Not sure if that makes sense but it seemed to at the time. I also just wanted a break. Losing over 20lbs took a lot of determination, and if I'm going to continue this I don't want to wear myself out so much that I want to quit.

I AM going to continue this. I was so close to giving up earlier but then I thought it through. The reason I'm feeling so ill is because I was so fat. I deserve this for being so greedy in the past. For shoveling food into me with no thought of what I was doing to my body. For being so unaware of myself and how others perceive me. I need to go through this to finally reach a healthy weight. One that's good for my body and my mind. I want to feel good. Confidence is inextricably linked to body image for me. While I try to get to know people before making a judgement on them, I know it's not always so easy. Every day we're forced to develop opinions on people in very short periods of time, and first impressions mean more than I would like. I'm already starting to feel happier with how I look, but I know that with 10lbs more lost, I'll be even more content.

here comes the gossipy sexual tension bit...

2 weeks left til results day. I want to have lost as much weight as possible, and I'm going to give it as much as I can. I'm in a very stable relationship (thought I will not to talk about it in my blog, to respect the privacy of my other half) so when I talk about the guy at school I want to impress, you know I don't want "anything" to come from it. He's an academic rival but there was always a tension between us before I got into a relationship. He's so obviously gay but has not come out yet. He was always playing those childish little games that people do in school when they fancy each other. He'd walk up to someone I was talking to and begin talking to them, making sure he got my attention yet not speaking to me. Making jokes really loudly when I came near. Awkward smiles in the corridor. He almost never spoke to me but I was told on various occasions of him starting conversations about me with other people, asking about random things about me. We spent one day together when he signed up for a university open day that only I was going to, out of the entire year group. He made such an effort. Made jokes, kept up interesting conversation, pointed out things that he thought I would be interested in, even poured me a drink at the table (at which he kept me a seat) and waited with me, without me asking, to make sure I got a lift home safely.

I went home from that feeling excited about this new friendship and what it could lead to (he IS really hot... captain of the sports teams and all that...) but the next day he completely blanked me. It was as if we'd never spoken and the weekend after that I hear he's going out with the bimbo of the year group. I don't know - maybe he wasn't interested in me really, maybe he was just trying to cover his feelings (and sexuality) by going out with the most obvious target (sports captain + bimbo = classic combo, yeah? ... he's never had a girlfriend as far as I know, and turned down really pretty girls in the past) or... well I'm not sure. Throw me a theory if you'd like.

I questioned myself as much as him after that day. Regardless of what was going on in his head, he fucked me over. Led me on and dropped me for the school bike. His mistake, his loss. I want to look fucking fantastic next time he sees me just to rub that in a little bit more and to prove to myself that it WAS his loss and that I'm not just trying to make myself feel better.

Aw I feel like I've mentally purged. Thanks guys for listening to all that. It feels so good to be able to vent. If anyone needs to do the same feel free to leave a comment and I'll listen in return :) It was so good to get comments from some new bloggers as well as my good friends :) Rena, I can't view your blog by the way, it says I need an invite. A few of you mentioned my thinspo in the last post. The first guy looks like an angel I think. Tall and elegant and beautiful. I hope someday I could look something close to that. It's a dream. As far as photos of me are concerned, I'll be posting the old photos again for anyone who missed them, plus my friend (she's into photography) is going to take some of me on the morning before we get our results, so hopefully I'll have lost a fair bit more by then!

So I'm back to the diet tomorrow. 15 bites, as many of them being low cal as possible. I tried on my Results Day outfit today. It's so close to fitting. 5lbs and it should fit really well I think. 10lbs and it should be baggy. I saw the cutest waistcoat in town today, so tempted to treat myself to it. I think that if I reach my goal I'll get it for results day. It's quite casual so I could wear it over a checky shirt or something to smarten it up. I've always wanted one of those but I knew it would look so stupid on Fat Me. I'm going to wait til the last minute and buy one in the smaller size. Eeee more motivation!

Is anyone else treating themselves with something special when they reach their goal(s)? And does anyone have any events coming up that they're preparing for? I know there are a few more waiting for results :) (2 weeks! TWO WEEKS!!) Thinking THIN and sexy ;) xx

PS. Please check out skinnybusiness! She's a new blogger with only one follower so far (meeee) and just left me a super sweet comment. For any of you on ABC, she's just started so pass on your tips and help each other :)

Weight Loss!

2009-08-05T02:58:00.007+01:00

I can't actually believe this. I weighed myself a few times to make sure.

I've lost 3lbs. THREE POUNDS! :D YESSSS!

No idea how it happened but fuck it feels good. I felt so much better today. I'm starting to think I can see a difference and I was so much more confident in town too. That's 5/15 lbs lost so far. 10 more to go by the 20th of august... eeeee... I'm excited and much more confident now. Even if I don't get the 15... another 5 would be so good. It wasn't so difficult either. I don't feel like I was starving. Hmm. Oh well, no complaints from me lol...

^_^ Thanks everyone for the help with the fast yesterday. It's so good to have one over with, and to get a 3lb loss as a result is great. I'm still not happy with what I've done though. I keep wanting to lose more and forgetting how much I've achieved. I read this on sorry_i_cant_be_perfect's blog and it really helped make things clear...

"When you aim for perfection, you discover it's a moving target. They say that nobody is perfect. Then they tell you practice makes perfect. I wish they'd make up their minds :/ Perfection is achieved, not when there is nothing more to add, but when there is nothing left to take away..."

It's so true. We're chasing after a moving target. It takes the encouraging comments of our followers and friends to help us realise how far we've come. On that note, check out her blog and support! Another new blogger is lovelybones who was encouraged not to binge this morning after reading one comment that I left. We can all help each other and share in our success. Let's be a proper community :) I love finding and following new blogs. I can tell from what I did today that when you've got blogs to read and comments to make it really keeps you focused, out of loyalty and also by keeping your hands busy. Typing has got to be better than eating (and it burns like 100 cals per hour... haha)

How's everyone's days going? Anyone got any weight loss to report? I'd love to hear about it! I wanna know if anyone else is taking the plunge of posting photos too. I've got like 20 new followers since the last time I posted photos... should I post before and afters for those who didn't see or just the afters? I'm not sure I could bear the shame of posting the old one's again...

haha. So I hope you guys remember enough! :P

I'm getting really nervous about my exam results. (Is anyone else?) In a way, I'm so glad I have weight loss to concentrate on. Planning out my days is keeping me occupied and stopping me obsessively trying to work out how I've done... It's 15 days to go! EEEE. There WILL be a party the night before... and hopefully one the night after if all goes well. I remember the rule last year was "1 shot per A". You can get a maximum of 12 As (4 subjects, 3 exam papers for each) so I will hopefully end up getting pretty hammered haha

Skinny people always look elegant when they're drunk though, don't they? Hopefully I'll be one of them by then... lol. Oh yeah, I saw some photos today of some people from school. I always felt so physically inferior to them (they used to tease me about my weight) but it looks like they've done the opposite to me over the summer and put on loads of weight... I'm shocked and feeling a bit more confident about meeting them again on the 20th, especially for the photos haha

Fuck sake. I want to look skinny NOW. Damn impatience. I've never been skinny and it seems so close... I will get there! And I'll learn determination and self control along the way :) good luck with your day everyone. Thinking thin. xx

Fast Diary

2009-08-04T01:56:00.009+01:00

I'm going to go on a fast. I've never, ever completed one before. I'm not sure why. I'm getting loads of compliments saying how strong I am, so I want to put that to the test. I'm going to use this post as a diary of my first attempt at a fast. I've read blogs where people report if they managed to stick to their fast or not, but I've never read one of a fast in action. So hopefully this will help someone.

Starting right now at 2am, I'm not going to eat a thing until 2am tomorrow. Every time I get tempted to eat I'm going to come on here and write out exactly my thoughts, my reasoning, and ask myself some questions.

1. Why do I want to eat this?

2. Do I NEED to eat this?

3. Is eating this worth being fat?

Then I'm going to look at some thinspo. Would the person in that photo eat this? Is that person stronger than me? Am I really that weak that a chocolate bar can beat me?

It's time to be tough on myself. My body seems to lose weight easily enough so I should make use of that and push myself. 16 days to go. Feel free to leave comments! I'll be updating this all day hopefully so I'll keep refreshing it and you can be part of my thinspiration.

Whilst we're here, check out Brooke. She's a new blogger and we all remember what it was like to think that no one's listening to you. She seems super sweet so give her some support if you can. Also, if you're not already following xmarinesxperfectxprincessx do so. She's been brave enough to post pictures which I really admire, and she's looking good already :) (I can't comment on your blog btw Marines, I've no idea why)

Right, fasting begins then! If anyone's got any tips or success stories let me know! I've already got hiding food down, as I'll be able to get away with "eating" in my room all day, right beside a handy bin. Hope everyone's having successful days. Thinking thin, strong and positive. xx

EDIT 1: 3 hours in and I'm going well haha. No food yet. Off to bed now, and I have to be awake in four hours. After that we are either off to play badminton (yay, fun exercise!) for an hour or so OR i'm going back to bed. Whatever happens, it shouldn't involve food. I'm optimistic. Night all. xx

EDIT 2: Been up since 9am cos people were getting up for work. It's 2pm now. Lunch time, in other words. I managed to avoid breakfast by being really busy but I'm starting to get hungry now. Going through my mind how a few spoonfuls of yogurt wouldn't help, but then I thought that a few spoonfuls every so often is what's making that Results Day outfit too tight. So I'm not going to eat :) 14 hours of fast completed so far.

EDIT 3: Just went into town with my aunt. We went into a newsagents shop which had two walls full of sweets and chocolate. I stared at them for so long. My favourite food was sitting there in a little box, all wrapped up looking amazing. But I avoided it. Looked at it and thought "I'm stronger than this" and walked out. Came back home and mum immediately offered me food. I told her I had an apple for breakfast this morning and had a pastry in town with my aunt. She believed it. 16 hours of fast completed. :)

EDIT 4: It's almost 5pm and I'm getting restless. That period where you're kinda lost for something to do so you immediately turn to food. I'm going to get a book and put the tv on so I'm occupied and don't get tempted to eat :) I saw a really pretty new pen in town today, and I'm going to buy it for myself if I succeed today. Yay for incentives ^_^

EDIT 5: I'm so fucking hungry now... not used to denying myself food like this. Already fantasising about what I'm going to eat at 2am. Haha. (Low cal chocolate mousse btw... keepin it healthy)

EDIT 6: 12:30... 1 and a half hours to go, and I don't even WANT to eat now... I'm just past it.

Old Jeans

2009-08-03T17:18:00.002+01:00

Found a pair of old jeans from about 2 years ago. They were my favourite pair for ages but they eventually got too tight and were left in the back of my wardrobe. They're two sizes smaller than what I was wearing at the start of my weight loss and they now fit, and are even a bit baggy! ANND another aunt visited today and told me I look like a model...

Obviously I assume she's just being over complimentary and kind because she's my aunt but I'm all pleased and giddy ^_^ I don't feel like I'm getting particularly thin... but my clothing sizes and relatives are saying otherwise haha.

So it's about 5pm now and I've had 3 bites so far. 12 more for the rest of the day. I'm spending 7 of them on pasta and will leave the rest for half of a low fat mousse tonight.

15 bites is going really well for me I think. The scales this morning told me I've lost another 1lb so that's 2/15 lost so far :) I'm on my way to my goal! I want that guy's arms, collarbones and legs. Yummm.

I'm in such a happy mood today. Going to go for a little walk in the countryside instead of my usual jogging and running indoors. Things seem beautiful today. The air is so clean and fresh and I'm smiling for very little reason. I want to create something. Art. I love seeing beautiful photographs (I'm not a particularly talented photographer, it's just a hobby) and I've always wanted to be one of those people who are comfortable with putting themselves in their photographs. Before, it would have looked awful. Now, I'm getting closer to that confidence.

Thinking thin. Good luck girls xx

15 Bites Update

2009-08-02T12:25:00.004+01:00

It's not an easy diet, especially when you have set meals with family. You need a lot of self control too. Seeing a big plate of food and just stopping after 5 bites is not easy...

but WOW. My appetite has totally gone. 2nd day in and even though mum made a huge sunday dinner this afternoon, I just couldn't eat it. 7 bites (main meal of the day) and I was stuffed. Guess smaller portions are filling me up more quickly now. YES!

I've only been doing it for 1 day so I can't tell you any results yet, but I'll be updating this week so hopefully we'll see changes.

Tips for anyone looking to join me:

1. Make small portions - less temptation.

2. Don't worry about wasting food - it's already been paid for and prepared so the money's been spent already and it can't be used again.

3. Eat slowly, take lots of drinks between bites.

4. Eat near a bin.

The hardest part yesterday was stopping eating when I had a full plate of food left. I ate a few more bites than I should have because I didn't want to throw it all out. Today I'm going to stay near a bin and throw the food out straight away, after eating my 5 bites for that meal.

Is anyone else on any specific diets they'd like to share? I'm going to look at ABC again, although I'm sure 15 bites means taking in a lot less than ABC... I'd like to take on the fast days though. Still have never completed one... but my parents are going on holiday for a week soon so perhaps I'll do it then :)

I'm soooo excited about something I found last night. Shopping on a website I saw this gorgeous leather jacket... £250, would look awful on Fat Me but I think I'd feel so confident in it after losing more weight. It's inspiring me so much. PLUS it only comes in XS or XXS so I NEED to lose weight or I can't get it.

I want that guy's legs. I've never owned a pair of shorts... actually. At least tummies can be covered up, but legs are always on show. If you're wearing baggy jeans it's obvious you're not confident with your legs, and if you're wearing skinnies everyone can see if you're about to bust out of them. I'd also love some white clothes. I've got in my head that white is for skinny people, black is for fatties. Like 90% of my wardrobe was black before weight loss... now it's like 50% colour, so the weight loss is obviously helping my confidence :)

I really want to print out some thinspo now. Make the photos really massive and stick them on my wall, cos they really are beautiful. We'll all be one of them soon. Thinking thin xx

An Almost Binge

2009-08-01T22:04:00.003+01:00

I stopped it. I won.

Earlier on I was bored, I had a little cousin to amuse, I was stressed out, I was hungry, I was moody, I was down. All the ingredients for a super binge. It started. 1 chocolate bar and one MASSIVE helping of guilt, but I didn't want to stop. I started going through all the things in my cupboard in my head. Listing everything, comparing calories, making excuses. "I can have that... it'll only take me another hour of exercise to burn off and I've been good..." "There's no point in eating the low calorie one, I'll only eat more later cos I'm hungry... I'll have the full fat one now..."

But I stopped. 1 chocolate bar. 200 calories. Burnt off already. I'm proud of myself. I slipped but I didn't fall.

THEN, as if to confirm I did well, I got a visit from some family members and the first thing that was said, by my uncle of all people was "You've lost weight!", followed by approving looks from both him and my aunt. I've "slimmed down" and am looking very well, apparently :) an achievement considering that I just ran down the stairs in my pjs...

They asked about my results day, how I'm feeling about it, what my plans are for after it. It got me psyched. I want to succeed. I want to be thin.

I want collar bones and a flat tummy. My tummy has always made me feel uncomfortable with how I look. I want it GONE. Anyone else got a specific area they want banished?

I WILL be thin. And I will be posting pictures here the night before results day to show you. : )

Finally

2009-08-01T11:55:00.008+01:00

... I have a day to myself! It feels so good not to have anything to plan or go to or be ready for. Today I'm going to relax and treat myself ^_^ not with food obviously, I'm feeling much too good for that. It's the 1st of August, the 1st official day of my 15lb weight loss goal. 15lbs, 20 days, 15 bites per day. I might write out those numbers on my hand to keep myself focused...

15-20-15

Sounds like measurements...

I'm not sure what measurements I'd like to have. I've never ever been happy with my weight, but I've never been self aware enough to do anything about it, until now. Inches don't really mean anything to me because I don't know what say... a 25 inch waist or whatever would look like. So I'm just going by clothing sizes. I bought part of my Results Day outfit yesterday. It's simple, and something that would have looked completely awful on Fat Me 23lbs ago. A navy tshirt in a really thin, light material that is meant to glide off your skin and sit loosely on your frame, flattering a skinny shape. I've got a cardigan in a similar material too. I tried them both on and they feel so comfortable and light, perfect for when I'm all stressed out waiting for the results that day. I bought them a size too small, and I'm determined to fit into them by the 20th. I'm going to hang them out on the handles of my wardrobe so I can see them all day, and remember that I NEED to lose weight to fit into them properly, and to look as good in them as I can.

So the clothes are clearly some positive motivation. Now for some slightly less admirable motivation. I've recently been fighting with a friend. He feels so superior to me, it's really obvious. He thinks he's so much better looking than me (he's seriously SO vain... he won't even smile in photos in case it makes his face look fat), if we're in the street and someone looks over he immediately starts talking about how the person was looking at HIM, it never crosses his mind that they could have been looking at me. I want to change that. I want them to look at me. I want HIM to look at me, and I want to know that I'm too good for him. I feel that, on the inside, I am too good for him (he's rude, arrogant, etc...) but that's not what matters to him. He's superficial and judgmental, so for now I'm going to play on that. I think we're about the same weight now, but it sits much worse on him. He has a beer belly, cos he drinks SO much, whereas alcohol doesn't really show on me (remember the lb I lost despite the vodka shooters... lol) and really short legs, so they look stocky cos of his weight. And fat arms, and bad skin. The only reason he and other people find him attractive is because he spends ages on his appearance. He wears foundation, for fuck sake, and will happily make the entire group of friends late because he wants to straighten his hair to perfection.

So yeah, I hope that doesn't sound nasty. He's been a complete cunt to me recently (he owes me $600... cos I've been kind to him when he was in financial trouble but now he claims to not be able to pay it back yet, YET he's going to buy an apple macbook laptop at $1200 next week...) so I feel justified in having a rant about him. Does anyone have anyone to shout about? Write me a comment about it so I don't feel like I'm the only one that needs to be a bit nasty... haha

Hmm, I have hunger pangs. They don't feel bad. It reminds me of what I'm aiming for.

One last thought. Everyone have a go at this quiz, it tells you what weight you should be, through questions about your lifestyle. Is your result close to your current weight, or maybe your goal weight? I'd love to see everyone's results :]

We shall see :) hope everyone's having successful days! I'm off for breakfast then some blog commenting. Thinking positive xx

I'M HOME!

2009-07-31T03:18:00.008+01:00

HELLO! WOOOWWW! That was without a shadow of a doubt the BEST WEEK EVER. I'm actually in shock at how much fun I had... met LOADS of new gorgeous exciting people, went to two house parties with them, invented a new and amazing cocktail with a great friend, saw the sights, took about 32901895 hilarious photos (including a sexy set dancing in the shower ;) hahaha), went to so many cool bars - cute little quirky ones and big full on party clubs, lay and rested in the park in the beautiful sun, went on a rowing boat ride with some of my best friends, ate some wonderful food and drank more alcohol than I ever thought possible...

Weight loss was SO far from my mind. As I said, I wanted to maintain my weight but as I realised how much I was eating (I had a proper meal every day - pasta and protein and dessert along with some french things like cheese and bread and wine at random points) and how many calories I was taking in through alcohol I knew there was no way I wouldn't put on weight. For example on one night a friend and I drank an entire bottle of vodka, the same of rum, gin, two cocktails, 10+ shots, 1 pint of beer and fuck knows what else...

But then I got home, weighed myself and realised i've lost 1lb!! I've no idea how it happened. I guess I was exercising a fair bit, as our apartment was up 4 flights of stairs and we explored the city every day so walked a lot, plus we developed a habit of ordering and drinking loads of cocktails then leaving without paying the bill... which involved a LOT of running... haha. So a healthy diet (full meals with occasional snacks) worked for me. The biggest meals we ate were in the morning, so our bodies had worked off all the calories by the end of the day. Also I was not tempted to binge at all because I was so busy and interested in what was going on around me that I didn't even think about food. Plus the fact that everyone I met was skinny and beautiful helped to keep me focused. So there are a few tips in case anyone was looking - keep busy, don't deny yourself foods completely (that tends to lead to binges) and keep your thinspo in mind (those sexy skinny ones at the party) : )

My goal still stands at 15lbs lost by 20th August. I wasn't meant to start until tomorrow as I thought I'd put on weight over my holiday but I'm already 1lb on my way there! xthinforever, mark it down! Tomorrow, I'm restricting and having a go at my 15 bites diet. I've not tried it before so it'll be an interesting day to see how that goes. I'm going into the city with my dad (he's great and we have a similar sense of humour so it'll be fine) so that will involve some more exercise with walking around shops and such :) he doesn't mind me buying diet coke either as he picked me up from the airport and bought me it plus my favourite sweets (low cal, don't worry haha) as a welcome home gift :]]]

Aw I have so many little stories to tell you all!! I think I look thinner in the photos, and I certainly FELT a LOT more confident. I wore my new clothes in the smaller sizes and I think they looked really flattering so I'm so pleased, especially as I was meeting some people for the first time. It felt great to know that they started off with a better impression of me than they would have done a month ago.

So the confidence just made everything so much more fun. Me and my friend decided to skip across the main bridge of the city and two guys saw us and shouted in French "Pouvons nous vous accompagner??" (Can we join in??) so they did and we all skipped around the city, tipsy and dancing and happy ^_^!

The city was beautiful, the company was even more so. I loved it so much and I'm so happy and refreshed and rejuvenated now. Apart from that I'm also really fucking wrecked from lack of sleep and too much partying so I'll be heading off to bed now! Hope you're all having a good week so far. Thank you to my new followers too! I'll be checking out your blogs as soon as poss : ) and the comments on my post were sooo nice to come back to! Well done Nic on reaching your lowest weight last week! Samantha asked really nicely if she could feature me in her blog so I thought I'd feature her here. She's got a really nice mix of useful facts and personal experiences and I think she'd really benefit from the motivation you guys provide :) let's help her out! Stay healthy girl x Also got a comment from someone calling themselves Sunny Mc.FatFace (girl, I want you to develop some confidence and a more positive screen name!). She's just starting out too, with a cool trippy blog that leaves me feeling slightly bemused but happy. These are the last two lines of a poem she's put up...

We watch one another. I fight the hunger

And I close the fucking refridgerator door.

I love it... go read the rest on her blog if you can ^_^

Annnnd I shall go now before I fall asleep! A bientot tout le monde! : ) xx

Quick Update / New Diet

2009-07-25T14:41:00.005+01:00

You would not believe the drama going on! I'll fill you all in soon... Thursday night if we ever make it home haha

So I just had a thought. I'm fed up of wishing I could be one of those skinny fuckers every time I see one of them in the street. Most of the time they aren't even pretty... but we all admire them and THINK they are because they look so good in their clothes. Clothes just LOOK better, regardless of where they're from or how much they cost, when they're hanging off a skinny frame. I want that frame. I want to shock everyone on results day. Our bodies are getting fucked up every day with the amount of chemicals in food and the amount of fat we're putting into them. It's going to stop. Extreme restricting for the rest of the summer will not harm my body any more than I'm currently doing.

I've maintained my weight loss of 21lbs so far, which I'm really pleased about. I said a while ago that I wanted to lose another 15lbs by the 20th of August. I get back on the 30th of July, giving me 22 days (I won't have to eat much on the 30th so that will count) to lose 15. That's going to be difficult. I've only managed 1lb every 2 days (any more than that per day appeared to be water weight which went back on quickly) so far so I'm not sure how it's going to happen.

The only answer is to fully go for it. Restriction, fast. I'm going to make an extreme plan and stick to it. I'm determined. And if I'm ever tempted to break a fast, I'm going to come on to this blog and write about it instead of eating. Summer's bound to have made me sloppy. No deadlines, no early starts, no assignments to complete, no exams to push myself for. Going onto this diet, and completing it, will prove to myself that I'm capable of working as hard as I did all year.

Thinking about a "15 Bite Diet". I thought of it this morning but I'm sure it exists already. 15 bites per day, so regardless of what I eat, I can keep the calories low. Say I had breakfast (yogurt), lunch (scrambled egg) and dinner (pasta) I could only have 5 bites each time. That's bound to keep the calories low. Drinks will either be water or diet drinks (diet coke, 7up free), I know they're unhealthy but yeah... It'll help me stick to the diet cos of the taste. Also, exercise. I must do more than 1 hour per day. 1 hour is the recommended amount, and I obviously want to go further than that. Running, walking, aerobics with weights. I can go for runs and walks with my little cousin. She loves spending time with me and I like it too, she's so cute and looks up to me, which I appreciate a lot. She's a really energetic kid and is content to run around all day if you let her. She also eats loads (but has such a good figure on her, healthy for her age (she's almost my height and she's only 12... I swear she could be a model) so I give her some of the treats which my mum insists on filling the cupboards with. We went for a three hour walk/run/badminton session a few weeks ago and when I get back from holidays I'll be able to do similar, as I'll have nothing else major to plan.

Any thoughts on this so far? Hope you're all doing well. Update me in a comment if you can, cos I can't access other blogs atm. Here's a bit of thinspo, must dash now tho. Back on Thursday!

Another 1lb Down

2009-07-22T16:37:00.003+01:00

Title says it all. I'm so pleased! Now I'm going on hols 21lbs lighter than at the start of summer. Damn proud of myself. Still got about 29 days left to lost the 15lbs I want before I get my school results. I also got a new coat today, borrowed from a cousin of mine who has ALWAYS been skinnier than me. I've always felt sort of self conscious around him because of it as we're near the same age so are often compared (academically, physically, etc). It's actually 3 sizes smaller than the size I was wearing at the start of my weight loss, which is so so encouraging.

I can't wait to be in those extra small sizes. At the end of the school year I ordered a school leavers hoody in a size Medium. Most of us ordered Medium or Large, and my low self confidence was screaming at me to order a large to cover myself up... but then I became so determined to succeed at my weight loss that I changed mine to a medium at the last minute and I'm so glad I did now. I was doubting then whether it would fit me or not but now I'm sure it will, and if I keep going it should be fairly baggy by then too.

Turns out that in the last few months since I've seen that cousin he's put on 3 stone... so I'm now getting his clothes (they're actually really nice and way more expensive than I could afford) which, frankly, is fucking brilliant haha. This blog clearly brings out my inner bitch, but in my defense, he's not a very nice cousin. ^_^

This post is going to be fairly short. I've been in bed most of the day with a migraine which feels like it's doing its best to tear my head in two. I've had to eat to try get rid of it as it's one of the only things that works. I'm still not binging though, so should just maintain my weight today. I always take the attitude with things like this that being skinny will NEVER be more important than being healthy and happy. I'm trying to find a balance between the two, which is why most of my posts so are positive. Putting on 1lb is not going to kill me. It does not make me a bad person. It does not make me ugly. Losing weight is however making me feel more confident in myself, which is what I'm aiming for, and it's definitely worth sacrificing a few treats and working out. I'll be much healthier at a lower weight than I am now. My organs and bones under less stress and all that. Getting fit in the process of losing weight will be so good for me too.

Btw, the photo is because it's raining REALLY hard here... but apparently the weather is lovely where I'm going on hols! I'll try take some pics and post them when I'm back. If I'm not feeling confident enough with my weight loss then you'll at least get some lovely sightseeing photos haha. Thanks for all the comments on my last blog. The one about press ups was really good as I've not thought about doing those before. It's also good to see that someone's sharing my fucked up mood patterns haha. My head's too sore to link to your pages atm (I'm typing this without proper sight as my migraine's given me tunnel vision lol) but I'll credit you when I get back :).

I'm really looking forward to August, cos by then I'll know that results day is coming up and I'm planning a really strong effort to get those lbs lost. Right now I'm off to bed, after a fresh set of painkillers, to lay in the dark til my head gets better. In case I don't get to post before I leave for my holidays (quite early tomorrow so this will probably be my last post til I get back) good luck to everyone while I'm away. Take care of yourselves and stay strong. :) xx

Exercise

2009-07-21T17:39:00.004+01:00

So far I've had such a nice day. Staying in with some very special people talking, singing, playing star wars (them, not me haha). It was so nice. Intake so far has been fairly low. 1 low fat mousse (60 cals) and tomato soup (200 cals) so I've room for a treat tonight (low fat crisps - 100 cals). Good day. Just off for some exercise now. Feeling motivated and positive and rather lacking in news haha.

I thought some of you might find this site VERY useful for calculating calories burned in exercise. It has a list of 222 activites and calculates how many calories you, personally, will burn doing them, after you fill in your weight and how long the activity is done. It also tells you how many calories your body burns naturally at rest, so when you're sleeping or sitting down. I thought this was SO useful to know, and means you don't have to feel guilty when you're sitting relaxing. Your body's still doing some of the work for you!

Exercise plan:

1 hour jogging with weights ~ 400 cals

1/2 hour vacuuming ~ 140 cals

1/2 hour aerobics ~ 200

calories burned through exercise ~ 740

calories burned naturally during the rest of the day ~ 1540

total calories burned ~ 2280

Meal plan:

Breakfast: low fat mousse ~ 60 cals

Lunch: soup ~ 200 cals

Supper: low fat crisps ~ 100 cals

total calorie intake ~ 360

calorie deficit = 1920

So if I keep this up over 2 days I should have an extra 1lb lost before I go on holiday :) I'm excited.

Jogging with weights is my favourite exercise. It's something I can do at home (jogging on the spot in my room) without raising too much suspicion. Also I can have a movie on whilst I'm doing it or listen to music so it doesn't get boring. I'm hoping the weights will help me tone my arms cos I'm quite self conscious about them (I do reps whilst running). Gonna also try to fit in some sit ups at some point today.

Is everyone having a good day so far? StickThin - I can't see your blog :( maybe you have to add me as a friend or something? I'm not sure how it works. Thanks for everyone's lovely comments and congratulations on my last post. I'm so glad I cheered some of you up and that you're sharing my positivity :D

OK I shall go off and start this exercise before I leave it too long then am too tired... that happens too often. Thinking happy xx.

Thinspired

2009-07-20T16:40:00.012+01:00

So I managed to find my thinspiration again. I'm just home from shopping and I'm TWO SIZES SMALLER!

YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY! :D

Aw I'm in such a good mood now, that was just what I needed to motivate me to work harder again. I'm so excited now. Got a new shirt and a tighter fitting top which are both so flattering. I'll be wearing them on holiday and I already feel much more confident about it :D I don't remember ever wearing the size I have now... it's opened up so much for me. I really love fashion (hi, i'm a stereotype, how are you?) but could never wear what I wanted to so now it seems like if I keep going I'll be able to fully express myself. Expression is so important to me. I hate when I don't have the words for something. Now I'll be able to do it through my clothes as well.

Well not "now", but in 15lbs or so. ^_^

Tonight I'm staying under 500 cals. It works for me without making me miserable. Any less and I tend to get really bad headaches which just aren't worth it for me. I want to see Harry Potter again, damn it. The guy in today's thinspo has the body I want when I've reached my goal weight. I will get there, I'm absolutely determined now. I'm about to have what could turn into a massive argument with a friend so I'll get that over with then do some exercise to calm me down. Lucks. xx

PS. Thanks to everyone who gave a book recommendation! I'll be Wikiing and Amazoning soon! :) and of course I've read Lord of the Rings! Amazing series. Merry and Pip are adorable. Like Fred and George. We all love a good bit of twinning. SkinnyBitch needs to stop doubting how hardcore I am with my reading haha. I'd recommend you read The Historian by Elizabeth Kostova btw. It's lovely and creepy and incredibly well written. And about vampires. Haha

Soren had a good point about me not noticing my weight loss. The longer I'm doing this, the more I'm going to be looking in the mirror, criticising how I look, so my standards are going to get higher and higher and I won't appreciate my body changing. I'm going to pay close attention to my measurements and the size of clothing I'm fitting into as a way of rewarding myself and feeling achievement for what I'm doing.

xthinforever had a lovely idea about treating myself and I hope everyone's paying attention. If you're working hard you deserve a reward! Not necessarily food (if you're afraid you're going to binge) but something small and sweet like a manicure, some new jewellery, new hair, new make up. For me my treat was the clothes today, and I do feel great after it. Make sure you're all looking after yourselves. Thinking happy. xx

EDIT: I got my first thin compliment!! "You look so slim!" - when I put on my new top that is actually the right size for me! EEE! Aw happy now...

2nd EDIT: I'm exercising and it feels fucking fantastic. I'm so motivated now. I can see that it's going to take effort to get as skinny as my thinspo today and I'm looking forward to it. It wouldn't be a worthwhile achievement if I didn't have to work for it. (40 mins of jogging with weights done so far)

Eclipse

2009-07-20T00:35:00.013+01:00

First thing's first. FEATURE! Ana's Girl has a seriously unique take on a pro ana blog. She's written it in prose form instead of the usual journal idea, and it's so interesting to read. A really powerful expression of how she sees the world. Check it out for me, comment to let us know what you think and give her some support!

I had a really shit day today. Loads of arguments with parents and stress with a friend. I was so down in the morning I couldn't get out of bed for ages. So that turned into a bit of a binge day, about 800 cals. Not really bothered honestly, my body doesn't seem to care what I eat atm and I've got bigger problems to worry about, which I won't talk about cos I don't want to depress myself haha

So how do we cope? Alcohol. Not really lol. I submerge myself in a book and let those ideas replace all the stress I have. Currently working myself through Eclipse. I'll end up reading til about 4am this morning... Everyone here seems to be Team Edward. Fair enough, he's the obvious choice BUTTT... Jacob really cares about Bella, he's got fucking sexy in New Moon and his ATTITUDE! Jesus, it's like "you want me, we both know it" and there's something seriously hot about that confidence. I want to see that movie and I want to see it now. Haha.

Who am I kidding? Edward all the way. I'm back at the stage where I'm reading and going WHY ISN'T THIS REAL? hahah

I also can't believe there's never going to be a new Harry Potter book. Hmph. Anyone know any other good series? Read His Dark Materials by Philip Pullman if you haven't yet, it's brilliant and much better than that shitty movie they made of the first one.

I'm lacking in thinspiration. 21lbs in and I'm sort of just losing motivation. I haven't seen the results I want yet and with other stresses mounting up I just want to be weak and take comfort in nice food. It's something I relied on slightly during all the stress on study leave before my A Levels. Just a little system of treats to keep me going through it. I'm not sure what to replace that with now. Books and movies I suppose. I can't rely on the comfort of friends as far as this is concerned because I know I'll only be called selfish/arrogant/self interested or they'll warn me about becoming anorexic and make me eat or feel guilty about it. More guilt is NOT what I need.

So yeah, photos of me were requested so photos of me are here... will be taken down soonish so look quickly and then go get something soothing to heal your eyes with:

... (photos removed) ...

These were all taken before the weight loss... I'll post new ones when I feel i've achieved enough.

Thoughts

2009-07-19T03:21:00.004+01:00

1. I really love the Twilight series. I'm going to start reading one of them again tonight as I'll have less time for recreational reading when I'm at uni so should make use of my spare time now. I'm not sure which one yet though. I don't really want to read the first again because I like when the books get more complicated and I love the Jacob element of the story. I think I'll read Eclipse cos of all the sexual tension with Jacob and Bella. I love that bit. Then maybe Breaking Dawn again. I wonder how they're going to make that into a film without upsetting the 12 year old fangirls. Are we Team Edward or Team Jacob amongst my followers?

2. University? It's going to be crazy. Away from my family and further from my best friends than I would like. I'm going to be relying on facebook and a hell of a lot of phone calls so I won't miss them too much. They really are great. Anyway, as far as the food aspect goes I hope I learn self control at uni. Meals at my uni seem well balanced. Any times I've eaten there before there have been lots of vegetables and no processed food, so my taste buds will have to adapt but it will be a healthy development. I'll also ALWAYS be eating in front of other people so I won't be able to pig out, which is a really good thing. As long as I don't allow myself to have snacks in my room I'll be fine. Plus, walking to lectures and being too busy to eat out of boredom, which is something that used to happen me a lot. That and the need to keep trim for formal dinners and parties and generally wanting to look good in a more pressurised social setting should help. There's so little pressure here as I'm in the country and usually just surrounded by family members...

3. Weight loss. I've lost 21lbs so far (shall weigh again in the morning and see if that has changed) but I don't feel any different. Well, I can notice a slight change in my shape but not enough. I want it to come off, now. I want to look great, now. I've been told a few times recently "you look great" but not "you look thinner" which is what I want. Desperately want someone to mention, even in passing, that I've lost weight. My mum hasn't noticed a thing as far as I know and she LIVES with me... I've no idea where the weight is coming off. I wish I could SEE it. Maybe it's going to take ANOTHER 21lbs before anyone notices... If that's the case then fuck it, 42lbs here I come. haha

4. Followers. Thank you all for the comments on my last post! They kept me going throughout the day so I'm really grateful :) wanted to mention Marc as a fellow male blogger who could do with a little more attention! Also, heebeejebus and I have discovered a shared love of Lily Cole as thinspo. She looks absolutely amazing. Importantly also, she goes to the uni I'm hoping to go to in October... so that's the kind of people I'll be surrounded by :| definite thinspo there haha.

Hope everyone's doing well then. Give me a comment to let me know :) I'm having a shopping trip in the city on Monday. I'm hoping I might be able to try a size lower than usual this time. That would be such a confidence booster. Also need to get a few things for holidays. I don't actually own a pair of shorts... that's how bad I am about covering up my body haha. All to change soon! :) Thinking happy. xx

Afternoon

2009-07-18T15:40:00.004+01:00

Afternoon because, as my bf sneaked out to work at 11am this morning, I wasn't properly awake and slept another 4 hours til 3pm... :|

So that's half a day's fast already completed haha. I'm sort of addicted to the idea of fasting now. It never actually ends up as a full fast but the resolve to keep going means that at the end of the day I've only consumed about 200 cals, 300 at most so the weight comes off, even more cos of the wee bit of food to boost my metabolism.

21lbs loss has been maintained! I was so worried that I'd put it on again in the morning... that it'd be some sort of trick of the scales but no, I am actually 21lbs lighter now. I'm thinking of trying to make up that weight with really heavy books or something on the scales so I can physically feel how much I've lost. It's actually crazy to think that at the start of this I was carrying around all that...

Anyway, just had a low fat toffee yogurt (90 cals) to start off my day. I've actually no idea what I'm doing today. I was SO low last night... wrote a really depressing post but decided not to publish. This morning I'm feeling okay but not particularly motivated for anything. Hmph. At least I'm not motivated to eat... lol. Might see if I can stream Harry Potter online. It really is such a good movie, despite all the slagging it's getting for not being close to the book.

Desert Flower wants my body. What can I say, I'm looking better these days :P. Happy Mandela Day to her too. Hanz needs some followers, everyone let's support! She's got the same aim as me (20th of August results day - where are you applying to btw Hanz? My insurance is Kings London just in case it's there lol). Aw thanks, uni talk always cheers me up. Followers are amazing. ^_^ Thanks for all the encouraging positive comments too. The weight seems to be finally coming off but I was on a plateau for like 10 days, so if you're in a similar position, don't worry - it does end! Currently watching that Size Zero programme with Louise Redknapp. So interesting so far. Thinking happy. xx

EDIT: Off for an hour of aerobics cos I had to eat there and ate more than I should have... dessert was a choc chip cookie. Ouch. xx

OMG YES

2009-07-17T19:10:00.002+01:00

2 more lbs lost in ONE day on my fast! After a night of eating ben and jerry's ice cream?! what the fuck body!?

That's 21lbs so far!!

WAAAAAAA!!! :D :D :D :D :D !!!

EDIT: PLAN -

New goals!

Ok, so my goal day for weight loss is the 20th of August. It's when my school results come out and when I'm going to see my friends, my old enemies and my general peers together all at once for the first time in weeks. I want to look good and I want to have lost 15 more lbs. That's just a little bit more than the girls who are going for 10lbs in the same time so we're sort of in this bit together :)

So I've about 30 days to do it in. 1lb every 2 days. So I need a calorie deficit of 1750 per day. Hmm.. If I eat about 300 cals per day at most then that should be possible. Shouldn't be too hard and if I need a snack or something to keep my motivation up I'll just exercise a bit more to allow it. Throw in a few fast days and I SHOULD be able to make it. That would be 36lbs lost in 2 months. Sounds pretty good ^__^.

I wonder how tomorrow will go. It would be awful to wake up and have put on some weight. Scales seem so unreliable. But I'll stay positive for now. It's been quite a productive day and I'm almost finished making plans for my holidays (leaving on the 23rd til the 28th so no blogging :o which I will miss a lot... and no scales either for that matter :S and lots of tempting food...)

Shit haha. I'll use the excuse that I don't have much money and eat as little as possible whilst walking a LOT. Sightseeing and all that.

For the next few days before I leave I'm going to try to be as good as possible and lose as much weight as I can. Thanks for your support so far everyone :) It's been fucking amazing to finally break through that BLOODY PLATEAU. Ha!

Ho Hum

2009-07-17T11:46:00.001+01:00

Today seems a bit of a slow day. I've a double 18th party I'm meant to be going to tonight but I'm not sure I will. Firstly I won't be able to fast, as it's in a really fancy Chinese restaurant (where would you start with the calories there?) and the cinema after. The cinema so far seems to be my greatest weakness...

So last night was really good. Harry Potter 6 is the best one yet. Draco's acting was divine (the crying scene in the toilets? awwww...), Harry was absolutely hilarious (Felix Felicis didn't make him drunk in my imagination...), the ending was really moving, and it packed in so much from the books. I know they can't stick religiously to the text but considering the time they had I think they did a kick ass job. Does anyone else LOVE the Ron and Hermione pairing? Aw I'm so excited about it. I might go read some fan fiction now! Aw it's so good! What other pairings do you think should happen? I can't give up on Draco/Harry yet... especially as Draco got so hot in the 6th film. ): haha

As far as food goes I did as expected. Nuts, Diet Coke and a bit of ice cream. No damage on the scales (I checked this morning). Seeing the fat friend made me feel that I deserved a bit of food and it felt good eating it knowing I'm so much lighter than she is. I swear, she must be a size 24 now. This would be nasty saying this but I know she won't read it and I need to get it out (forgive me?)... I was a size 18 equivalent at my highest (shameful, I know) but I realised eventually that I needed to take action and I did. I don't know how she does it.

Ok so, I couldn't be arsed with the chinese tonight. I'm still sick from the festival and I shouldn't be risking spreading it around, especially as the 18 year old to be is pregnant. Surely it's not a good idea to get her sick? (She's in a loving relationship and is getting married this year or next by the way, she's not some teenage tramp that sleeps around... haha)

How is everyone getting on with their fasts/restriction? sorry_i_cant_be_perfect apologised for writing me a long comment - don't! I love getting comments and the more there is to read the better! It really gives me a nice start to my day to get your input so feel free, even if you're saying something someone else has already said. Just go for it! Thanks for all the congrats about Cambridge from Soren, xthinforever, Dot, Nic and Yasmine. I love those names! Soren seems really majestical, Nic is the name of one of my best friends, Dot is just so cute and simple but memorable and comforting (seems like the name of a strong person) and Yasmine makes me think of the princess in Aladdin. That was my favourite movie as a kid. Check out each other's blogs! Have a look at TinyPerfection if you can too. She's just starting off and has 4 followers. We all know what it's like to feel that no one's listening... so let's help each other out.

I've had my 90 cals to kickstart my metabolism so I'm ready to go for the day. Really no interest in food at all. I can still feel that junk in me from yesterday and it's making me feel a bit queasy. Definitely not in the mood for food anyway. Might do a bit of exercise. I like doing about 1 hour of aerobics/jogging whilst lifting weights, concentrating on the number of reps rather than using heavy weights, as I want to give myself a workout and burn cals rather than build muscle.

I've not much other option as far as exercise is concerned. I can't afford a gym and if I go for a run EVERYONE will know. It's a wee neighbourhood and they all love to gossip. Especially as a lot of my family live in this area. A lot = all. None of them moved more than 1 mile from the house they grew up in. I don't get it. I want to travel and see new things and meet new people and learn from the world but they're happy staying here doing the same thing every day? A lot of them are very prejudiced and narrow minded. I'm not religious personally, but I'll save that debate for another time, but they take it so seriously and judge everyone the bible judges. In their eyes women are the second sex, gay people are disgusting sinners and even alcohol is the work of the devil. It disgusts me. Women should be honoured and respected for what they have to go through every fucking month just to keep this population going, not made to act as servants chained to the kitchen for men... ugh. I can't wait to leave.

I'm going to go search for some good fanfiction now (www.fanfiction.net if you've not read before, I hope you get hooked haha) and then maybe start to read my book which just arrived in the post (I ♥ Amazon) and get into some learning later. Just in the mood for it :) Thinking happy <3

What The Fuck? WEIGHT LOSS!

2009-07-16T11:42:00.001+01:00

I binged last night. Parental pressure again. Set everything out saying I hadn't eaten all day so I had to have something. Ate 4 sandwiches, 4 jaffa cakes (ashamed of that bit) and ice cream. That IS all I had all day (apart from the custard in the morning) so I suppose it's still not much but it's far from a fast. The "What the fuck" part of this comes when I stepped on the scale this morning and found...

I've lost another lb!!! That's 19lbs lost so far. I've a right to be proud of that, yeah? ^_^

I don't even WANT to eat today. I'm going to the cinema tonight with a friend who must be between size 18 and 22. Surely the sight of that will put me off food. She's a great girl but I really don't know how she could let herself get that far. I haven't seen her in a month (I was 19lbs heavier last time she saw me...) so I hope she notices! I just know I'll be sneaking looks at her arms and tummy all the time. Comparing them to my own and probably convincing myself that I'm just as big lol. Hello body dysmorphia...

Mum's here though so I'll have to plan some food in. A little bit of tomato soup will make her happy. I can always throw as much of it out as I want. She's always in and out of the house so the sight of the empty bowl will be enough for her. Then I'll have Diet Coke tonight (the only low cal drink at our cinema) and order some popcorn or nuts. I'm trusting that my fat friends will eat more than me and that the sight of it again will make me want to eat less. Also, regardless of how much I eat it'll still be under 500 cals, so it's fine. That seems to be a good amount for me. I really don't understand my body but it seems to be rewarding a little bit of food with weight loss...

Also HARRY POTTER! God I'm so excited. I love the series. It's what started me reading properly I think, which is such an important part of my life now. Lots of people commented on the uni photo in my last post, which was so so nice because you'd think that some people are just interested in how much you lose, rather than you as a person. So thank you everyone who made a comment <3

That uni means so much to me. It's Cambridge for those who didn't guess. I've wanted to go there since 4th year (age 15 for any non-UK/Eire residents) and have been working my ass off for it since. My college only accepts 3 people per year so I obviously thought I had no chance. Up against people from really expensive public schools who had been trained by experts in interview techniques and taught by brilliantly qualified teachers while I went through final year in school without a teacher in my main subject, in a really poor state school.

THE POINT OF THAT WAS - I was up against something I didn't think possible, and I succeeded. So this weight loss shouldn't be a problem, yeah? Just one more little goal to achieve. All we need to do is NOT eat. We don't have to even do ANYTHING. Just leave the food on it's own and do something else. Something fun. Something interesting. Something exciting. Something worthwhile. Not just stuffing our faces with food our body does NOT need. We CAN do this and we WILL!

EDIT: On a less positive note, my mother is driving me insane, standing over me, walking around my room inspecting it, watching my every move for something to criticise, shouting every time she sees me relaxing. I might just lose more weight now and not stop just to piss her off

SO far today: 200 cals - a little bit of soup and half a small bread roll. Considering just having diet coke tonight. Want to enjoy the film without my tummy rumbling away over Harry though...

YES! Mum just offered to go get me my FAVOURITE meal (Chinese food) and I said no, even though I've been looking one for days. This feeling right now, of winning over my cravings, is MUCH better than how the food would have tasted. By far.

Second Attempt

2009-07-15T11:20:00.001+01:00

Woke up this morning feeling more determined. Exercise last night went well and I've a free afternoon to do whatever I want. I just ate half a small tub of custard (70 cals) to kick start my metabolism, under the advice of someone I know who got to size zero, from eating 90 cals per day in the morning and nothing else.

Mum's ranting about me spending too much now. It's my own money and I'm going to university in a few months (massive student loans) so I don't care and she shouldn't either. She's trying to do every single bit of mothering she can until I'm away, living in another country making my own decisions.

Jesus. That'll be nice. It'll be weird leaving Ireland. I really do love my country and feel so at home in Dublin. Not because of family connections or anything, I just naturally felt secure the first time I went there, and it's going to be unsettling to be a whole sea away from that. But I am really so excited about uni. If I get the A Level results I need (AAA) I'll be living here for the next 4 years...

I read that someone was using a car as thinspiration and they thought that was weird. Well there you go, I'm using a building as thinspo. Do I win? :P Food at uni is catered for us, so I've no need to have snacks in my room. Plus, I'll be walking to lectures every day and walking to the shop to buy random things and cycling around in my free time. Should be fine. Plus the idea of having to go to formals (there are quite a lot in my uni) and looking trim in my formal wear will keep me motivated. There's a year photo at the very start (4th of October) so I NEED to look good for that.

It's 1pm and my fast is going well. I feel like I can make it today. Watching Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix at the minute with my little sis, who is gladly chomping down crisps and chocolate. I'll keep the papers on my bed for when mum comes home. Going out around 6 to catch the new Harry Potter at the cinema, so I won't have to eat then either. I'll tell mum I'm eating out and I'll tell friends I'm ill/I've already eaten. Should be fine.

Hope everyone's going well. Thinking thin. xx

I'm A Failure

2009-07-14T20:33:00.001+01:00

I just ate. My parents made me. I feel so sick. This close to throwing it all up.

EDIT: Fuck it. I'm exercising. 3 hours straight. Fuck. It. I'm going to be thin. I'm going to be incredibly, unbelievably, shockingly thin. Fuck them all.

2nd EDIT: Exercise started. 30 mins in (I'm off to get a drink before starting in again) and I feel empowered. Taking my life into my own hands again. It feels fucking great. Harry Potter audiobook is keeping me going too.

3rd EDIT: Just measured my waist and hips. I've lost 1" off each from the last time I measured, so even though my weight hasn't changed, the loss has shown on my body - YAY! but... fuck D: mum just woke up and caught me exercising. I swear I can't do a THING without being caught. Funny though how she still hasn't worked out that the "friend" who I'm constantly with, or constantly txting if he's not here, is my boyfriend... selective vision that woman has. Back to exercise. Thinking thin. xx

First Fast

2009-07-14T15:15:00.000+01:00

I'm so so motivated to do it today! A lot of that has come from waking up to 10 comments, you're all so supportive and I appreciate them all! Also got a few people saying for photos. I took one last night when I was just home from the festival so I look pure wrecked in it but I'll post it tomorrow anyway haha. It'll be deleted very quickly in case anyone finds this blog, but I'll hopefully keep it up long enough for my followers to see.

Okay so - fasting. Never tried it before, don't know how possible it's gonna be with my mum here, but I'm gonna give it a go. Does anyone have any tips? haha

Here's what I'm thinking so far.

1. I've got a throat infection (true) which I picked up at the festival (kissing strangers) (that was a joke) so I can't eat cos it hurts.

2. "I've eaten already" (mum's in town - I'll set out some plates with sauce or something on them when I've written this and say I'm reaalllly full when she gets back)

3. Thinspiration - I'm gonna look at my thinspo and imagine myself like that. If I don't eat I'll achieve it so much sooner.

4. Reverse thinspiration - This seems to help me so much. Those videos on youtube of really fat people eating just make me so disgusted at the thought of food.

5. Distraction - DVDs! Harry Potter is coming up in 2 days. I'm thinking of a DVD marathon... all the Harry Potters in one day. Sound good? I bloody well think so. ha

6. Drinking - I was completely dehydrated throughout the festival. The only thing close to a healthy drink was Diet Coke. No water even. 1 Diet Coke was $3 as well so that wasn't happening... lol. So getting a good amount of water today will help make up for that and maybe move along the weight loss while keeping the hunger pangs down.

Right well that's my intention so we'll see if I'm strong enough to carry it out. Anyone else joining me? Let me know how you're getting on. Thinking thin xx

I'm Home!

2009-07-13T15:49:00.000+01:00

Holy jesus mother of fucking mary. THAT WAS SO AMAZING! Holy. Christ.

Four days of absolute amazingness. The comment from Layla was so relevant. This was my big holiday with some great friends and weight loss wasn't my priority. I was going to eat as little as possible and I did so on the first day, but couldn't keep it up. The thought of fainting in the middle of 100,000 people, possibly at night when my friends couldn't find me, scared the shit out of me so I just ate as normal. Festival food is far from healthy - the only meal I could get to was chips, as my friends had ordered the same thing, but I did manage to stay away from most snacks. Sometimes snacking wasn't greed, it was just so necessary - I went 48 hours without sleep, then got 3 hours the next night, 4 hours the next and none last night, due to partying with friends and due to the other people partying around our tents until 8am...

So yeah, I was expecting to put on weight by the time I got home but I just weighed myself and I'm the same weight. All the exercise I was doing cancelled out the chips! Not a bad result, plus the festival itself was awesome.

Karah (new follower, HI!) was right to be jealous about the Killers. Awesome light show and set list. Lady Gaga totally owned the stage. Paolo Nutini was just pure hotness personified. SNOW PATROL! :D aaah! And they're Irish too. The Script - please please download them if you haven't heard them yet! They're fellow wee Dublin boys too. Dancing to Calvin Harris and Pendulum was so amazing. Saw Dead Mau5 and Boyz Noize in the Dance Arena too which was brilliant. Of Montreal and Florence and the Machine on top of a hill with hot chocolate and excellent company. The Ting Tings were fantastic as expected. Pet Shop Boys put on an amazing show too, I was totally shocked. We just wandered into their tent because it was raining and they had lights and props and dancers (including this gorgeous skinny toned black guy who just made me think thin even morrrre) which was so so good. More thinspo came in the form of Patrick Wolf who looked as good as he sounded (photo at the top of this post!).

Aw there was actually so much thinspo around. Almost everyone was skinny. I didn't see very many overweight people but it was really obvious when they were and that made me remember what I'm working for. So I've really come back more encouraged to work hard and not give up. I've seen some great bands and become inspired by music again. I'll set to downloading the new bands I've discovered and will have something else to exercise to this week!

I got so bloody sunburnt though. Wearing glasses (sun) at the time too so it's fairly obvious. I'm applying layer upon layer of Sudo Creme on my face hoping it turns to tan as I'm going out to the cinema tomorrow (to see Bruno) and on Wednesday (HARRY POTTER!) so I need to be able to look half decent for those.

Thanks for the comments and the new followers everyone. I was so excited about coming back to see if anyone had said anything and to update you all. I really appreciate it! I'll be reading your blogs when I've had a wee rest. I've no plan for the rest of the day. I'm fully wrecked so I plan to lay on my ASS and do nothing but catch up on the episodes of Torchwood I missed. Just gonna weigh myself in the morning and start fresh. Positivity :)

Anyone else excited about Harry Potter or am I just being cool on my own...? hahah hope you're all getting on well. Thinking thin. xx

See You in 4 Days!

2009-07-08T16:00:00.000+01:00

It looks like last night's food didn't affect my weight loss. Lost the 1/2 lb back again this afternoon ^_^ I'm in rather a good mood.

So far today I've had a bite of a scone. I've got a bit of hayfever at the moment so I always have a box of tissues near. As soon as mum left the room I grabbed the scones, put most of them in two rolled up tissues, left a few big crumbs to make it look like I'd eaten almost everything and held the tissues up to my nose when she was looking, stood up and then cleared my plate away. Got away with it.

I might eat something later as it's the last meal I'm going to get for 4 days I imagine. Thank you so much Layla for your advice! Fainting would be shit, so I'll be packing a few low cal snacks as you suggested. The people going with us are pretty stick thin but I'm not sure if they're some of those people who can eat everything and not lose weight... I hope not. Too much temptation lol.

I should head off and do some packing now. No one seems fully prepared (surely you would have bought a sleeping bag before now?) but we'll get there. Beginner has joined the debate about male thinspo and has been brave enough to post a photo up. Sexy shoulders, seriously! I'm jealous!

Thanks Sarah too for your comment, it was really reassuring. Everyone's been so sweet with their support, and Desert Flower I hope your stress sorts itself out soon! :)

Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck! Away for four days!! WITH NO SHOWERS ;_; lmao... Aw dear. Last time was awesome so we'll see how it goes. Keeping positive and weight recorded for the last time. I'd love to lose 3lbs when I'm away. I'll be starting exercise when I get home anyway so I don't really mind. Anything will be appreciated, thinking thin, thinking positive.

Hope my followers don't lose interest while I'm gone... Take care, be healthy and look after yourselves. A bientot!

Night Out With Guilt

2009-07-08T00:28:00.000+01:00

So this night out wasn't as successful as the last. Cinema (snacks) then friends demanded we get food. I ordered a small chip and diet coke, whilst everyone else ordered huge meals (something called a SUPER chip... it's massive, I couldn't even look at it). It was my second diet coke today and I got my first "What's going on with you?" comment. I made an excuse "I'm addicted to Diet Coke... feels like there's more caffeine in it don't you think?" which totally worked. My friend just laughed and rolled his eyes at me as I'm well known for always being busy and working so I would be needing the extra caffeine... got away with it for now.

ABC went out the window today then haha. But, as I stuck to it most of today and hardly ate anything (a few spoonfuls of tomato soup this morning) I won't have messed up too badly. To make up for it I'm cutting out more calories tomorrow. I did really well today before the night out so I think I will manage it. I'm not into the self hatred thing when something goes wrong with my diet. I get over it, move on, and determine to do better the next day. I WILL do better tomorrow. Positivity! It helps avoiding binges as well I find.

Plus - four days of hardly any food and LOTS of exercise ahead. 10 hours of dancing at least per day - I'll be wrecked but I do not care haha. I'll miss this blog though. I've got a few new followers which I am SO grateful for. Just knowing you're reading, even if you don't comment, is such an encouragement. I don't want to let you down as well as myself! We'll manage it together :)

Just weighed myself before bed. I'm 1/2 a pound heavier than I was this morning, but I always weigh more at night and, considering the fast food, it doesn't look too bad. Plus I saw a great film tonight (The Hangover - go see if you haven't already), had a laugh with mates and got asked to 2 parties - which I'm determined to look slimmer for.

I loved hearing your stories about Thinspo. Seems like we all have that outfit we want to fit into! My little brother tried on that sport's shirt I'm dying to fit into today and it fit him. He's 7 year's younger than me so it's good to know that I'm not far from being the same size as him... but about a foot taller haha

Oh there's a first stat then: I'm 5' 9". Fairly grateful for my height too, except on those occasions where I just want to hide but can't because I'm above everyone else in the crowd... argh.

Hope everyone's having a good ABC (or other plan). I'll be back on track tomorrow. One question though - all my followers seem to be female so far - if you like my thinspo, would you like me to post some photos of girls too? Thinking thin xx

Day 3 of ABC - My Thinspiration

2009-07-07T13:12:00.000+01:00

Absolutely ecstatic this morning. 2 days of ABC completed and I've lost my 2nd lb!! 1lb per day seems fairly successful to me. Does that mean I could have lost 50lbs by the end of this? Eeeeeeee...

That would be amazing. The end of the 50 days diet happens to be the day I get my senior school results. That's the day I want to look great for. The last day I'll see everyone from school together; the people I've grown up with, the odd one's who've made me feel self conscious about my weight, the few who openly, aggressively teased me. That day means so much to me. It basically decides my future - which uni I'll be going to, which country I'll be spending my next 4 years of study in (Scotland, England or Ireland). I really hope I get good results but as well as that I'd love to look fucking good haha.

Other wee targets:

I think we've all got a piece of clothing we really want to be able to get into again. Personally, I have a few lol. A pair of trousers that fit me last year but are now a bit tight, that I wore during thet interview that won me an offer from my university, and a sports shirt in which I won my last sporting title for the school. Both successful periods of my life that I really want to get back to.

Anyone wanna share their thinspiration?

Thinking thin xx

Positive Note

2009-07-07T02:48:00.000+01:00

I refuse to go to bed without making up for that miserable post haha. Aw life feels much better now. I'm really tired so I'll be off to share a nice warm bed as soon as this is written. I stuck to my 500 today (think I took in a little less) despite being encouraged to eat and being provided with desserts at every opportunity haha. We have a cupboard stacked full of snack foods that I would have chucked down me in a few days not too long ago. It seems like I've developed self restraint!

Excited about the weigh in tomorrow. I shouldn't have lost any more (1lb in 1 day without exercise doesn't make sense to me) but if I've maintained then hopefully I'll be down another by day 4 of ABC. Tomorrow I'm only allowed 300 cals. I've never done that before so it could be difficult. Firstly finding foods with so little calories that I can arrange into 2 meals (I can't get away with any less without raising suspicion from Mum) which is difficult because I'm not a health food person. Honestly I'd rather go without food than chomp on the veggies lol...

I guess I'll just see how it goes. I'm feeling optimistic anyway. Thinking thin. xx

Day 2 of ABC - Success!!

2009-07-06T15:51:00.000+01:00

I've lost 1lb! he he heeee it's put me in such a good mood. It's quite scary how the number on the scales decides how I'm going to approach the day... but as long as the numbers are going down I'm happy for now. So I'm allowed 500 cals again today. Shouldn't be a problem :) The only thing keeping me back from losing weight at the minute is my ankle. I sprained it a few weeks ago and it's still stinging... I have to resist putting any strain on it so I can go to this festival this weekend. I don't want to have to limp around a field and not be able to dance to Lady Gaga, Boyz Noize, Friendly Fires, Paolo Nutini, Kings of Leon, Yeah Yeah Yeahs, The Killers, Lily Allen, Katy Perry and The Ting Tings...

It really should be so much fun!! Exercise, restricted food intake and some AMAZING music. Ahh, I'm determined to keep to my limit today. I feel GREAT for resisting the chocolate bar I was given yesterday. I've put it in my secret stash in my room. It's working great so far, it's above my wardrobe behind some photos where no one has any need to look.

On top of all that I have some great new followers! Thanks so much for supporting me! Check each other out so we can all help each other. I feel like some celebratory male thinspo is in order. Think thin!

I love love this one... I've seen it done so often by girls. We're all after the same thing! xx

Night out without guilt

2009-07-06T04:14:00.000+01:00

Just had to get out of the house tonight, it was getting so claustrophobic. We have a family member in hospital at the moment and it seems that our family's way of coping is making huge amounts of food; remnants of which are scattered all around the house. Not good for the self control!!

So I went out for a bit of thinking time for a walk along the river. The usual drunk crowd singing away, providing enough amusement to keep my mind busy, while the cold night air provided that light, refreshing feeling that makes me feel I can do anything.

God, I love my city.

500 cals

2009-07-05T22:39:00.001+01:00

10:40 and i've my 500 calories for the day eaten. I feel disgusting for what I just ate. I'm within today's limit but it felt like such a binge. Probably because my mum forced the food on me (guilt if I don't eat what she made) and then I ate it so quickly I wanted to throw it all up again. Yuck, yuck, yuck. Nasty food.

More thinspo. I'll get there.

Day 1 of ABC

2009-07-05T14:19:00.000+01:00

Day 1 of ABC. It's 2pm and I'm just up due to a late night. Two things have made me even more determined to do this diet. Firstly - I weighed myself this morning and I'm 1lb heavier. Should have expected it I suppose. Days out with friends aren't going to go unnoticed on the scales.

Secondly I've been reading the blogs of some of the people who've commented me and their determination has really encouraged me. It feels so much better to be doing this as a group and helping each other along.

So today I'm starting at 500 calories. I'm having something as soon as I finish this to get my metabolism started and then I'll leave the other 400 cals (or less if I can) for the evening meal, with NO snacks. Snacks at night are what really get me.

1: 500 calories
2: 500 calories
3: 300 calories
4: 400 calories

So that's my next 4 days planned out. After that I'm heading off to my music festival so I can't really plan so well, but judging from previous experiences, this is one of the few holidays which doesn't involve binging. Food is VERY expensive and hard to come by because of the huge queues. There will be a lot of alcohol going on but I can get past that by taking a drink and keeping it in my hand. There are 20 of us going altogether so it'll be difficult to notice if one person is drinking less than anyone else, especially in the dark. Plus LOADS of exercise - nowhere to sit down for 16 hours of the day, including about 5 hours of hard dancing and the rest spent walking, running, jumping around in excitement. Think of the calories burned.

Last year my friend lost a STONE. A whole 14lbs in 3 days. Now wouldn't that be a fantastic start to ABC?

Day Out

2009-07-05T00:41:00.000+01:00

Days out never work out well. With friends I have to eat as they're all so conscious of people skipping meals. The two "recovering" anorexics in our friend group made sure of that.

Recovering really is no where near relevant. Both of them, I can say with complete certainty, do not regret their weight loss. They both look amazing now and are full of confidence. They go out, are part of a greater circle of friends, meet new people with no problems and are accepted, to a great extent, due to their looks. I'm sick of this "don't skip meals... you've seen what it does" attitude. Yeah i've seen; it's made people happy. Why should I not be allowed to have that too?

So today I had to eat a meal. Kept the portion small, but had a milkshake too (tradition among friends) and a chocolate bar. I ate little else the rest of the day though, apart from a low calorie snack which is how I'm justifying myself for the moment, even though I don't deserve it. I'm trying to keep a positive attitude.

Just agreed to do the ABC diet; my first step towards what my friends achieved and what I want to achieve too. I'm excited. Is anyone joining me?

Goal for the morning:

I'd love to be down 1lb, but realistically I'm hoping to have maintained my weight. Weight loss to begin from then on.

Total lost so far:

17lbs

First Post

2009-07-02T17:43:00.000+01:00

1 month in and I've finally decided to stop just reading and start contributing. I weigh a lot more than most of the people I've seen blogging on here but I've made a decision to lose weight and I'm just as determined as anyone else to achieve my goal.

I'm certainly nowhere near ana. I don't think it's even possible right now with the amount my mother's watching what I eat. She's a complete hypocrite making me eat anyway as she is tiny herself and barely eats a thing, but that's off topic. She just made a huge plate of sandwiches which I currently have sitting in front of me, so she just made the decision for what I'm having today. 1/4 of a sandwich (the rest will be thrown out when she's not looking) and 1 small apple before bed.

I'm pretty content with my progress so far. I've been exercising from 1 to 3 hours per day, and taking in less than 500 calories on most, occasionally going over due to weakness or social occasions but always exercising to compensate. Due to this I've been losing 1lb every 2 days which is respectable I think. So far I've lost 17lbs. I should be proud of the weight loss but I know it's not enough so I won't be posting my stats yet.

My goals are focused on two events this summer. I'm going to a music festival in a week's time and I really want to look better in the photos than I did last year. Those things are full of skinny girls in little dresses and skinny boys looking amazing. At the end of the month also I'm going on holiday and yeah... the thought of what I'm going to look like over there is driving me to cut the snacks and behave myself.

Oh and the blog name. Poker Face - symbolises to me just how much I need to hide this. I'm dying to tell someone "I've lost over a stone!" but I know as soon as I do that I'll have people watching what I eat. In my group of friends, two have been diagnosed as anorexic so everyone knows what to look out for. I've seen how ill they've been in the past (although both are healthy and MUCH more happy now they're thin) so I hope I'm aware of when to stop.

I'll stop this now and maybe blog again later. If anyone reads this please comment and let me know you're out there. all the best xx